Anyone who has dated someone with an emotionally imbalanced family dynamic can attest to how hard it can be to maintain that relationship, to feel fulfilled by it, and to even stay in it long-term, possibly while raising children.
Because when the family is already emotionally imbalanced, it’s only going to get worse with more members added to it, cringed the users of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor EvelisseBloom had been dating a man for several years who clearly had a strong and intense relationship with his mother, and his mother had made it clear that no one would ever love him as much as she did.
But when she attended their anniversary dinner in a white dress and continued to assert that he would always be her favorite, the Original Poster (OP) decided to speak the truth with the entire family present.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for calling my fiancé’s mom ‘obsessed’ with him at dinner in front of everyone?”
The OP’s anniversary dinner was not off to a good start.
“I’ll be honest, I was already irritated before dinner even started because his mom always has to be involved in everything. She invited herself to our anniversary dinner, among others.”
“We were celebrating four years together, and she showed up in a white dress. like deada** a literal bridal white floor-length dress and heels, and said she ‘wanted to feel pretty too.'”
“I saw her and was already biting my tongue at that point.”
When her future mother-in-law pined over her future husband, the OP spoke up.
“Anyway, we’re all talking and laughing, and she cut me off mid-sentence to tell this long story about how when he was a baby, he’d cry if she left the room, and she used to sleep on the floor next to his crib.”
“Okay, whatever, but then later, she touched his face and said, ‘You’ll always be my favorite boy. No one will ever love you like I do.'”
“Everyone kinda laughed it off, but I was stunned, because she was not even being subtle anymore?! She’s clearly obsessed with him.”
“I didn’t even think, it just came out of my mouth. I said. ‘Do you even hear yourself? You sound obsessed. He’s your son, not your boyfriend.'”
The OP was surprised by how the evening turned out.
“It was silent, like a fork hitting a plate silent. His brother literally choked on his wine.”
“His mom looked like I slapped her. She said I was being ‘disrespectful and dramatic’ and started crying, saying, ‘I’ve loved him longer than anyone,’ and ‘You don’t understand mother-son bonds.'”
“He took her side, too, and said I was rude and ‘ruined the mood’ (of our anniversary dinner, keep in mind, which is apparently the time for a date night with his mother).”
“He didn’t even check on me when I got up and left. I took an Uber home. He hasn’t texted me.”
“My best friend says I went too far and should have kept this to myself, but I don’t know. It’s been two days, and all I feel is more angry. Like, am I supposed to compete with this woman forever?? Am I supposed to be second to someone who acts like she’s his ex trying to win him back??”
“I don’t know, I’m spiraling. Did I cross the line or finally say what no one else would?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some cautioned the OP against dating, let alone marrying, the momma’s boy of the family.
“OP, don’t marry him; he’s the golden child of a ‘boy mom.'”
“Your fiancé isn’t correcting her; he’s correcting YOU! So, what did we learn?”
“1. She openly favors one son in front of the other. What’s that gonna be like with your kids?”
“2. Your fiancé IS OKAY WITH IT. Doesn’t he care about his brother’s feelings? No? Then he lacks empathy and is a potential narcissist (because golden kids run that risk).”
“No one in the family is willing to stand up to her. They’re all either crazy too, or else she terrifies them. And your fiancé is now giving you the silent treatment.”
“How many more red flags do you need? I’m sorry that you’ve wasted four years, but better than having to get divorced later.”
“Let him marry his mommy. NTA.” – Naive-Stable-3581
“I feel horrible for the brother, but I’m sure he’s also far better adjusted than the OP’s future husband, who is enmeshed with his mother. Freud called men like the OP’s partner ‘Oedipal complexes,’ and only therapy can change them. But if he wants you to apologize and is giving you the silent treatment… he won’t be going to therapy any time soon.” – 2dogs1life
“I would never marry a momma’s boy. It ruins them. Mom is doing him such a disservice in life. OP will resent both of them in due time, and she will lose any attraction to him. Just end it now. She’ll convince him you were a walking red flag, but you’ll be better off.” – jessiezell
“NTA. I was once with a mama’s boy, and things got abusive where they teamed up on me. He never took my side, no matter how outrageous her behavior became. Think of the things she’ll do to ruin your wedding, when you have kids, more future celebrations; they do not respect you.” – Boobear0810
“He took her side… Run. You will never be the most important person to him; he will always choose his mother over you. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?” – Visual-Lobster6625
“NTA. But this is a massive compatibility checkpoint.”
“This isn’t just about dinner. This is about the rest of your life. Do you want to marry someone who lets his mom compete with you, belittle your place in his life, and walk all over your boundaries?”
“You’re not spiraling. You’re waking up. Don’t ignore that instinct.” – Lost_Preparation_835
“Consider yourself lucky that he has not reached out to you and walk away. This is exactly your future until she dies. He did not put a stop to it, and that is totally on him. He deserves his mother and not you.”
“You only have one thing you can give him that she doesn’t… That one thing, being an incubator, will be your only purpose, and you will always come after she does. Her happiness will always be more important than yours.”
“You have been dealing with this three years too long already. Don’t waste any more of this one and only life you have with a partner that takes up for his mother acting like his girlfriend.” – different-take4u
“You broke up with him. And you should. He’s a momma’s boy, and she has an unhealthy attachment.”
“You never stood a chance. No woman will. Stop chasing him or waiting for him to step up, accept that you broke up with him, and move on.” – AdAccomplished6870
Others thought the brother “choking on his wine” spoke volumes about the family dynamic.
“‘His brother literally choked on the wine.’ Bro had always wanted to say what you said… I bet he was secretly cheering you on.” – Enough-Owl-4301
“I’m just cringing about her saying, ‘You’ll always be my favorite boy,’ with her other son right there. Tell me there’s a golden child without telling me there’s a golden child.” – CovertQuests
“I had to stop and reread that sentence because it was at that point I realized that woman had just said to one of her sons, ‘You’ll always be my favorite boy. No one will ever love you like I do,’ with her other son sitting RIGHT THERE.”
“Jes*s f**king chr**t, that poor brother. I imagine he’s spent his whole life hearing language like that from his own mother. That’s just f**king cruel.” – Maxamillion-X72
“Saying that he was her favorite when the mother became the full-on AH 100 percent.”
“And OP, just leave this situation. The favored child is also the entitled child, trust me, I am the not-favored child, and my brother is obnoxious, and cannot even see it, and also single. Repeatedly.”
“This dude does not even see it, and will always need the ‘most loved’ title. Eww. Run!” – Street-Length9871
“He took her side. Red flags.”
“I spent 20 years married to a mama’s boy. We had children together. Not once did he ever stand up for me to mommy. Once I left, he started a smear campaign using the false things mommy used to say about me.”
“It dawned on me that he agreed with mommy about me, and he probably did the entirety of our relationship. My wonderful kids are the only reason I don’t consider these 20 years a waste.”
“If I were in your shoes, given what I know, I would have run the first time he chose mommy over me. I deserved better, and so do you.” – theangryprof
“‘You’ll always be my favorite boy. No one will ever love you like I do…'”
“With the brother sitting right next to you guys? Wow, the level is so creepy as f**k. He took his mother’s side and made his bed. I’d nope out of that relationship real fast.”
“Sorry, OP. There’s plenty of fish out there. Just keep on watching out for those red flags… NTA.” – RedditMiniMinion
“He’s not marriage material. Most other men would make her stop before it came to this. But there are those men who are so enmeshed with a clingy, emotionally incestuous mommy that they just can’t function in a real partnership with a woman.”
“It sounds like he may be one of those guys. I think you should not call him. Let him make the first move. Take this opportunity to think about what you really want in life. NTA. At all.” – EbbIndependent5368
Fellow Redditors were left cringing over what the OP witnessed at dinner and what she likely had witnessed in the years that she had dated her almost-husband.
Since he’d sided with his mother and had not bothered to call the OP, it was clear where his loyalties were, and it seemed like the perfect opportunity for the OP to start fresh and find someone who valued her and would take it side when it mattered.