Mom-To-Be Hides Pregnancy From Husband And MIL Who Upstaged Her Grief After Miscarriage

Content Warning: Miscarriage

We've all heard of those families where the family members are a little too close for comfort.

But there's no understanding just how weird it is to see an overly close relationship between a man and his mother until you've seen it for yourself, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.

Redditor Illustrious_Meet9002 had always thought her husband and mother-in-law were close, but when they got married and she got pregnant, their relationship really started to bother her.

When she miscarried her first baby and her husband turned to comfort his mother instead of her, the Original Poster (OP) decided not to share the experience with them again for her second baby.

She asked the sub:

"AITAH for hiding my pregnancy from my husband and my mother-in-law (MIL)?"

The OP was becoming uncomfortable with her husband's relationship with his mom.

"I (25 Female) have been married to my husband (28 Male) for three years."

"My husband, Joel, and I met in college and got married very young. We have both always dreamed of having a big family, and I have always wanted to be a stay-at-home mother."

"Joel and his mom have always been close, but it wasn't until recently that I noticed how unsettling their relationship truly is."

"For starters, Joel's mom,  Amy, has always been insanely protective over him. Although he is fully an adult man, Amy only refers to Joel as 'her baby boy.' Amy insisted on having the first dance with Joel at our wedding, and because she was paying for most of it, I let her have that but put my foot down when she suggested that she should wear a cream color dress as the mother of the groom."

"Amy lives in our neighborhood and has made a habit of showing up unannounced and inviting herself into all aspects of our lives."

But everything changed for the worse when the OP got pregnant.

"A few months ago, I found out that I was pregnant with our first baby, but just a few months in, I tragically lost the pregnancy."

"Before the miscarriage, Joel and I had been over the moon. Amy was so excited to be a grandmother, but some of her actions made me uncomfortable and angry."

"For starters, she insisted that she come to all of the appointments for the baby. When we first heard our baby's heartbeat, she jumped up out of her chair, snatched Joel's hands, and began to cry with excitement. Joel threw his arms around her, pointing out her 'grandbaby's heartbeat' while I was left sitting there on my own."

"Although it was still early in the pregnancy, Amy proposed throwing her own 'grand-baby shower' in order to get supplies for the baby to be kept at her house. I tried to shut this down, but Joel once again defended his mom."

"When I felt the first kicks and movement, she RAN over and nearly shoved my hand out of the way to try and feel."

"My final straw was after I lost the baby, I was devastated. Luckily, Amy was not over when I began noticing issues, and Joel and I were able to go to the hospital alone."

"But after calling his mom to tell her what was happening, Amy showed up at the hospital and cried so loudly, that Joel had to escort her out of the hospital and comfort her in her car. Once again, I was left there alone."

The OP couldn't look at her husband the same after that.

"This broke me. Although Joel has apologized profusely and said that he regrets leaving me, I have had a hard time finding forgiveness for that moment."

"I have to emphasize, other than his unusual relationship with his mother, our relationship has been nearly perfect."

"After the miscarriage though, I started sleeping in the guest room and taking more time for myself to sort out my thoughts and decide where to go from here."

"Everything was fine until a few months ago, I had a few too many glasses of wine at a friend's wedding and ended up spending the night back in our main bedroom."

"I started to notice the same familiar changes in my body from my first pregnancy, which terrified me. I finally took a test and stared at the little plus-sign in disbelief."

"Although I want to be a mother more than anything, I couldn't help but still feel the same feelings from my last pregnancy."

"Maybe it was the wrong choice, but I chose not to tell Joel right then. I booked an appointment and went to the doctor and found out that I was about six weeks pregnant already."

The OP still wasn't ready to tell Joel the news, or his mother.

"This is where I may be the a**hole. That appointment was about three months ago, and I still have not told Joel."

"I am now 18 weeks pregnant, and just starting showing more and I have taken to just wearing big sweatshirts and baggy clothes around the house. I have loved being pregnant and not having to share the spotlight with Amy."

"This week, I felt the first little flutters of the baby moving and didn't have to share it with anybody else."

"In just a few weeks, I can learn his or her gender, and not risk having to throw a grandbaby gender reveal for my MIL."

"Maybe most importantly, god forbid anything were to happen to the pregnancy again, I would rather handle it alone than have to deal with consoling her."

The OP wasn't sure what the future held for her and her baby.

"But now, I don't know where to go from here. Obviously, I can only keep this up for so long, but how do I explain to Joel that I have been hiding the pregnancy from him for months?"

"Should I just run away and start a new life (mostly kidding)?"

"Or, am I already in too deep so I might as well just keep hiding it for as long as possible and not have to share my moment with anyone else?"

"I love my husband and I don't want to leave him, but I don't know how I can save the situation and our marriage."

"AITAH?"

Fellow Redditors weighed in:

• NTA: Not the A**hole
• YTA: You're the A**hole
• ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
• NAH: No A**holes Here

Some said the OP should have a conversation with her husband, with ultimatums attached.

"So much to unpack here. Your reasons for hiding this pregnancy are understandable based on your recent loss. While I really don't think you are the AH, your MIL is the biggest AH, followed by your DH, I am really only concerned about you and I think you are YTA... to yourself."

"If you choose to stay with your husband, you need to address your issues. By retreating into yourself you are avoiding him and your marriage during a time when you should be working together to get stronger."

"You may be doing more damage than you realize, provided you want to stay with him. If he is your person, you will need him and if he is not you need to end your relationship sooner as opposed to later." - LeeAllen3

"This is time for a very serious conversation with your husband."

"You need to list everything you've written here, from wanting to wear (almost) white and stealing the first dance at your wedding, to barging into your appointments, to the emotionally incestuous way she acted like it was her baby, not yours."

"You need to give him an ultimatum. Create strong boundaries or risk losing you."

"Because she will take over your entire pregnancy. She will override your parenting decisions. She probably already has baby names picked out and will wail and cry until your husband caves in and you'll be left feeling like nothing more than a surrogate for his and his mother's baby." - Alien_lifeform_666

"Honestly, I would set him down tell him, and then tell him he has one choice get therapy for his strange over-dependence on his mother and step up to be who you and baby need or you will walk away."

"Explain exactly how you felt the first time. Explain you did not will not accept a repeat. If she can't be controlled and he keeps prioritizing her then he loses his wife and child." - romancereader1989

"When you need to tell Joel, you need to set down some rules. My brother was born, and no one knew my mother was pregnant because my grandmother was so overbearing when my sister was born."

"You don't have to have your mother-in-law at any of your appointments. You don't even need to accept Joel there. This may be his baby, but it's your pregnancy. When you tell Joel he can be on board with not involving his mother or he himself doesn't need to be involved. Choose."

"Congrats on your new baby. As someone who has had a stillbirth, I can not fathom having my partner abandoning me in those moments. In the future, please know you can bar anyone from any medical appointments." - Familiar_Treacle_233

"Your fears are completely valid, and it's clear that your past experience with your mother-in-law has deeply affected you. However, hiding the pregnancy from Joel could be harmful to your relationship."

"It's not easy, but it's better to have that conversation now rather than waiting until the pregnancy is impossible to hide."

"Joel needs to understand how you feel about his mother and how that has influenced your decision to keep the pregnancy a secret. If he loves you, he'll work to improve the situation and set healthy boundaries with his mother." - julialopesfit

"NTA. It's very well possible that he'll fly off the handle after discovering how long you've been hiding the pregnancy."

"If he does, I suggest you stop him in his tracks and ask him if he has any idea why you might have kept this information from everyone, including him. Then remind him of all the hurt you felt when his mother made both your wedding and your previous pregnancy all about her."

"Put your foot down and tell him this will not happen again. She will not be present at any of your hospital appointments, and you get to decide which information she is privy to."

"Also, another legitimate reason could be a miscarriage scare." - DynkoFromTheNorth

But most felt it was time for a separation and divorce, all kidding aside.

"NTA, but given your concerns, it would be wise if you could find a family member or a friend in another state to live with during this pregnancy."

"You might not wish to file for divorce, but once you give birth in the same state, you can be prevented from moving even so much as an hour away from hubby and MIL..."

"But if you relocate while you are pregnant, there is legally nothing they can do to force you to return."

"If you think there is any chance to save your marriage, you can use this time away to communicate with your husband that the only way your marriage can continue is if he moves to where you are - away from his mother. As unlikely as that may be..."

"If you do decide to file for divorce, be aware that in some states, you will not be able to actually finalize a divorce until after the child is born."

"But you will be able to file once you've established residency, and after the child is born, this will establish residency for your child as well so that they cannot force you to move back." - KrofftSurvivor

"Run away and start a new life (not kidding), divorce your husband. Even though he knows this is problem and he knows you have an issue, he hasn't been in individual counseling nor has he suggested couples counseling. He offered a halfhearted apology yet showed no sign or plan to change."

"OP, have you ever thought about why he hasn't noticed significant changes in you? OP, he's still up his mother's a** more than yours which is how he's not noticed in three whole months."

"You do not have a husband that's attentive and cares for you. You married a spineless mama's boy, who has forced you to deal with a deranged boy's mom. Escape now OP, and get a lawyer, ASAP."

"I would not tell him without an attorney present, file first that way you have the option to oppose or accept reconciliation. You have the right to set terms. Don't schedule with a therapist as others have suggested, schedule with a lawyer, quick." - astoldbybeja

"Has your husband not been working on cutting the umbilical cord to his mummy, since you moved into the guest bedroom? Does he not want to save your marriage?"

"Don't tell him about the baby yet. Sit him down and ask him why he keeps letting his mum take away your wife moments. Ask him what he will do if and when you are pregnant again. Go to couples counseling."

"In the meantime, plan your escape."

"Then, with plans in place, tell him about the baby. If he reverts to his mummy once again playing the lead role, then leave and have him served with divorce papers." - WolverineNo8799

"Where is Joel's father in all this? Amy's husband?"

"Unfortunately, you're an incubator. Joel and Amy are having an emotional incestuous 'affair.' He's a Mama's Boy. Very doubtful you can change Joel, and even if you tried, Amy will be super emotional and trigger Joel to come running. They've probably been this way for years."

"This will be your life. Amy will continue to grab the spotlight: insists on having a baby shower where she does everything to her taste, and at her house, that she's there for the birth, insisting she's the first one to hold her grandbaby, etc."

"Unless this sounds like something you can tolerate for the rest of your life, run. RUN."

"It will be easier to co-parent than live with them." - CatPerson88

"I am surprised you are still married to that mommy's boy. You are his second wife. His mommy is his first wife. I would leave and get physical distance from him and his invasive, overbearing, domineering mother."

"If you do stay with him, you both need to be doing individual and couples therapy. His mother must no longer be allowed to come to your home or medical appointments."

"You both need firm boundaries with her. He needs to put a stop to his mother's crossing of boundaries and needs to stop prioritizing her."

"Move out and only come back if he changes the toxic dynamic with mommy dearest. Your marriage is holding on by a thread. And you don't trust your husband because his behavior hasn't changed." - Neonpinx

"Maybe it would be better for you to separate from him. It sounds like he's always going to put you second and once your child arrives, you're never going to have any say about what happens with your own baby."

"MIL is going to insist on being in the delivery room and is going to snatch the baby away from you to 'bond with her grandbaby' as quickly and as often as she possibly can. Good luck trying to nurse. You're going to be TOLD you have to pump or give formula because she has every right to feed her grandchild."

"At this point, it goes one of two ways. 1. You leave and get a custody arrangement in place so he and his mom can share the baby on his weekends, or 2. you tell him and tell him firmly and point blank that he makes a choice right that moment: either he lays down firm boundaries with his mom, or you're moving out and doing option one."

"That's pretty much the only thing for you now. I don't blame you for having hidden it this time around."

"I have fertility issues and hid my last two miscarriages because I couldn't deal with soothing everyone else when I was broken. I decided long ago that it's between me and God until I see a doctor and everything is confirmed to be going well."

"I 100% understand and agree with your choice, but you're getting to the sticky part of the situation now. Tell him you kept quiet because you were scared of losing another baby and could not bear to break his heart again. Maybe that will soften the blow if you do stay. Good luck." - AccomplishedFace4534

"NTA. But honestly, you should get a divorce. You already know you're not going to get to enjoy your pregnancy once your MIL finds out, and you can't hide it forever."

"The thing is, this is going to be SO MUCH WORSE once you have the baby. MIL will be at your house all the time, telling you how to parent your child and taking over. You're going to watch Joel and his mommy enjoy all the 'firsts' and special parenting moments with your kid."

"Joel has proven he will always choose Mommy over you. Please document everything she's done and call a divorce attorney now. I hope you're not in a red state where you can't divorce while pregnant." - Bloodrayna

"If you leave the state while still pregnant and give birth somewhere else and establish residency there, then he can not go for full custody or even 50/50."

"If you have family in another state, I suggest you talk to them."

"This relationship won't survive, mainly because you are the side chick. you have been sleeping in another room for months and he is just okay with it." - Bakecrazy

"NTA, but... Is this how you want to live? Backseat to his mother every single time, and then what?"

"When she dies, would he change, or would the loss of his mother's distracting antics reveal that he wasn't any good either? And god, if she's this clingy now, she'll be constantly at you to HOLD and kiss on the baby, likely badgering at you about how you do diapering/ feeding/ comments on x y z)..."

"The stress isn't good for you or baby. I don't know your life situation, but unless Joel's about to change right now, I think it's clear he's a momma's boy. Weigh out the pros and cons to continuing this life with him (and her). You're at your happiest without them knowing you're pregnant... Think on that."

"I think what hurt to read the most here, was that loneliness. Every single time he ran off to comfort/cajole/ whatever the hell this situation is with his mother. There you were, alone to deal with it all. It doesn't have to be that way." - Midiala

"NTA, but do you really need your husband? I hate to say it, but it sounds like you are the third wheel with him and his mom."

"You sound like a strong and amazing woman. Don't settle. You don't deserve to take second place to his mom, especially with a new life to care for and love!" - JimmyCartersMama

The subReddit felt terrible for the OP and what she was going through, and they understood her turmoil and reasons for hiding her pregnancy, even from her husband.

For most, it didn't sound like a salvageable situation, and they believed it would be easier for the OP to start over now before the baby arrived. The OP deserved happiness, love, and support, and it didn't seem like she was going to get that with the current arrangement.