Woman Livid After Mom Says She Wishes Newly-Divorced Sister Had Married Her Husband Instead

When we are young, we all have dreams of the great lives that we will lead when we grow up, but sometimes, life is a little more disappointing than we might have hoped for.

But a person not leading the life they hoped to certainly isn't a reason to potentially ruin someone else's life, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.

Redditor ta-momsister343242 had a high-paying job alongside her well-paid husband, who also happened to be her sister's childhood friend.

When her sister seemed to be getting too comfortable with her husband in their adult years, and her mother even voiced her wishes that her sister had married her friend when they were young, the Original Poster (OP) felt her whole life being threatened.

She asked the sub:

"AITAH for being upset by my mom saying she feels my sister should have married my husband instead of me?"

The OP's sister and husband had a history from when they were kids.

"I am upset at my mom and my sister because of something my mother said, but everyone around me feels I am overreacting. Please be brutally honest in telling me if I am being insecure, or if my mom and my husband are wrong in this."

"Let me give you a bit of backstory. My husband, James (34 Male), and I (29 Female) were neighbors growing up. My sister, Fran (34 Female), was in the same grade as my husband growing up."

"Everyone knew my sister in school because she is very smart and beautiful. James had a huge crush on her and all of us knew about it. He asked her out for senior prom and Fran shot him down (in front of the whole school)."

James drifted away for several years until he and the OP reunited.

"They still remained friends, but he moved to a different state for college, and we did not hear much from him, except see him when he came back for holidays."

"James and I were never friends growing up, since I was in middle school when this happened. In fact, I was much younger than both of them, and they would actively avoid me or not involve me in their hangouts and activities."

"I went to a good college and got my first job in the same city as James. My mom suggested I should contact James, since I did not know anyone there."

"We became friends and three years later, we got married. We both have high-paying jobs and love our life. We moved back to our hometown during the pandemic as James's mom had health issues, and our jobs allowed us to work remotely."

While James and the OP thrived, Fran's life didn't go quite as well.

"Fran also had a pretty good life. She married when she was 23, and her husband was pretty well-off."

"But two years ago, Fran discovered that he was cheating on her for almost the entire duration of their marriage with multiple partners and she decided to break things off. Fran moved back with my mom."

"Fran had not worked for the entire duration of their marriage and was expecting to gain significant alimony from the divorce. However, due to complications regarding prenup, she barely got anything and is struggling financially."

"She got a job but is barely able to afford her own place and continues living with my mom."

The OP felt strange when in James and Fran's company.

"James and I were very supportive of her during the whole process. Since James and Fran were friends growing up, they both have a special bond. They have their inside jokes and stories, and I sometimes feel like a third wheel when we all meet."

"However, James keeps his distance and has never given me any reason to believe that he has lingering feelings for her. Fran, on the other hand constantly visits us (like two to three times a week) and ends up staying for dinner and sleeping in our guest room."

"I don't mind her coming over, but I do not like the fact that she talks more to James than with me."

"Also, she always comes over when I am not at home, and I often find them sitting next to each other on sofa and watching TV when I get home. It sort of reminds me of my childhood when I was locked out of our basement when Fran had friends over, and I would feel left out."

"Fran is also too comfortable around James and walks around the house in just a towel after her shower when James is around, or sleeps in her underwear in the guestroom without locking the door."

"I have voiced my concerns to her, but she says that we are family, and she does not care. I have also voiced my concerns to James, and he does make efforts now to explain stories and inside jokes if Fran makes them."

Then the OP's mother said something that really made her feel uncomfortable.

"The main issue happened this weekend. I was hanging out with my mom and Fran last weekend, and Fran was recollecting stories about how James would do her homework and do chores for her growing up."

"She said, 'He was so much in love with me, and I felt guilty taking advantage of him.'"

"My mom jokingly said to her, 'I wish you had the wits to marry James instead of your loser husband and you would not have been in this situation.'"

"Fran smiled after hearing that and nodded, but I was hurt by the comment. I protested to my mom that James was my husband, and I did not want her to make such comments about him."

"My mom doubled down and said that she feels like it because both James and I are high-earners, while Fran is struggling. So, it would make sense if Fran was married to James, and I would be fine since I do not need James to support me financially."

"She kept on saying that it was hypothetical and just wanted both her daughters to be happy."

"I did not like those comments and told them to not speak like that about James and my marriage in general."

"Fran chimed in and told me that I should not take the comments so personally, and I was being too sensitive. However, I had a fight with both of them, and I left."

The OP was shocked when even her husband didn't show her support.

"When I came home and told James, he also sided with my mom and Fran and told me that her mom just made a harmless joke."

"I also raised the issue of Fran's behavior around our house, and he told me that this is between me and my sister, and he is not going to tell Fran about what she can or cannot wear in our house."

"However, I am just feeling really bad since the situation and despite everyone apologizing to me, things just don't feel right."

"Am I wrong here in reacting the way I did, or does everyone else have a point, and I should be more secure about my relationship with James?"

"AITAH?"

Fellow Redditors weighed in:

• NTA: Not the A**hole
• YTA: You're the A**hole
• ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
• NAH: No A**holes Here

Some were left side-eyeing the OP's sister for all of her inappropriate behavior. 

"NTA. Your sister is really hanging on to the fact that he liked her in high school. This a probably because she is at such a low in her life. She needs to wake up and learn boundaries."

"Your mother encouraging her is ridiculous. She should be saying that sister should be more like you. Financially independent and in a stable marriage." - NoImagination7892

"Yeah, the sister probably one of those who peaked in high school."

"She had no idea when in high school that in 10 years nobody would care that she was popular in high school. Now nobody cares and her glory years are over but she can sort of reenact them by hanging out with James and reigniting the crush he had on her."

"He is being used for her ego. He needs to see that." - BlazingSunflowerland

"The sister sounds like a narcissistic golden child. Notice how she joked about her 'feeling bad for always taking advantage of him' by getting him to do her homework and such." - NONE0FURBIZZ

"If OP wanted to be petty, or 'help her sister out,' she could go online and look up single men from her sister's class and message them that her sister is now single and 'always used to talk about you... How funny you came up as a suggested friend for me! Don't know if you know, but Fran is single now... If that's something you'd be interested in...'"

"Or to see where James's head is at, tell James she's going to set Fran up with a friend. If he gets defensive or objects, they've probably crossed the line already. If he's all for it and Fran moves on from James, it's a win-win." - Legal_Drag_9836

But others felt the real problem here was the husband with his "past feelings" toward Fran.

"The fact he is okay with being the 'back up' just reeks of insecurity and him loving that the 'hot girl' finally sees him as a viable option even though it will only be for his money."

"OP has a husband issue. Her family is also straight-up trash."

"I hope OP gets into therapy so they can see how they deserve more and their family doesn't deserve space in her life. Period." - CuriousPenguinSocks

"The dear husband is getting a huge ego boost from this whole thing. It's unclear whether he still harbors any feelings for Fran, but he's definitely enjoying all of this way too much. Especially given the extreme stress it is putting OP, HIS WIFE, under."

"He needs to pull his head out of you-know-where and tell Fran to shape up or ship out. She is not now and will never be anything more than an old friend to him."

"OP, if you can, I would suggest moving back to the city and putting some distance between you and your sister and mom." - Lazy-Instruction-600

"NTA. Your mother's comment was inappropriate and disrespectful towards your marriage, and it's concerning that your husband is dismissing your feelings about Fran's behavior. It's not about insecurity, it's about wanting respect in your relationship and home." - YogaLoverGal

"Honestly, I look at it like this: James just gave you an out, whether he knows it or not. You told him your feelings, and then he sided with your mother and sister. He then said that things were between you and your sister."

"Now, that may have only been regarding her walking around in her underwear, but I would take it and run with it. If you are the one in charge of the relationship between you and Fran, she's done coming over."

"I would explain to him that you are done being made to feel like the third wheel in your own home, and while he may think the joke wasn't a big deal, you don't find it funny. It's almost like you're in high school again, and when Fran comes over, the two of them treat you like they did when you were in middle school."

"And I'm sorry, but it's well known that your husband had a crush on Fran, and now that she's divorced, she's prancing around your apartment in her underwear, your mother is encouraging it, and your husband is okay with it. Would he be okay if some guy was doing the same thing? I think not."

"And the fact that your mother made the comment that you are successful and don't really need a man seems to suggest that her comment was not hypothetical. I wouldn't doubt that your mom may be encouraging your sister to go after your husband. I would ask James just why exactly he thinks this is just a joke, especially when your sister is constantly over at your home while the two of them share inside jokes and hang out."

"Plus, there doesn't really seem to be a need for her to spend the night, and who is actually inviting her to do so? Or is she inviting herself?"

"In the end, your sister is shady and trying to take what's yours. Your mother is encouraging her poor behavior. And your husband is either too stupid to realize what's going on or is hopeful that he may finally get a chance with his high school crush." - Icy_Cardiologist8444

After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.

"I'm sorry for the long post, but a lot of you messaged me for updates and wanted me to tell you all what happened. The comments really made me paranoid, and I did see everyone's point that James may have just married me because of his crush on Fran."

"This really shot up my anxiety, and I started snooping around. My husband literally makes me check his phone for new messages when he is not around. So, I knew there was nothing to hide there."

"However, I was spooked by how my sister always knew when I was not at home, and why James and Fran are always sitting on the same couch when I come home. I tried talking to my husband, and he told me that my feelings were valid. However, he also said that Fran was going through a tough time and refused to say anything bad about my mom and Fran."

The OP finally confronted her sister about her behavior.

"Last Friday, I went to the gym as usual in the evening and when I came home, Fran was sitting in the living room, while James was cooking dinner. I got a bit angry and asked her what she was doing there."

"She said she had no plans for the night, and she came to hang out with us. It really annoyed me, and I told her that I wanted to spend a quiet weekend with my husband and if she could come some other time."

"She could see I was upset. She started saying how our mom was just being silly, and I needed to let it go since it was just a joke."

"I told her I did not find it funny, and we got into a fight. She said that I am always an insecure annoying kid and no wonder no one liked me. It really hurt me, but James stepped in and told Fran that she needed to leave."

"I have never seen James be so forceful with Fran. Fran muttered some unpleasant things to James and then left. I was in tears by the end of the whole thing and James was consoling me. I was really upset and spent the night in our room alone."

The OP decided to have a tough conversation with James, as well.

"In the morning, I prepared notes on all thing things I wanted to ask James. Your comments really helped me get my thoughts straight. I know I was being very insecure, but after reading the comments, I really started questioning if James really married me for me, or just because I was Fran's sister and looked like her (People called me 'Dollar Store Fran' in high school)."

"James and I had a long conversation, and I told him my anxieties and insecurities. I told him how it makes me feel that he spends so much time with Fran when she visits us, and they have their own inside jokes. I asked him if he still had feelings for her."

"He was calm and smiling the whole time. He told me that he would tell me the truth but did not want me to hate him for it later. He said that he knows Fran used him all through their school days because she knew he liked her."

"When he went to college, Fran still tried to keep in touch with him, but putting distance between them made him realize how badly she treated him, and he decided to just cut contact with her so that he could work on himself. That was the reason, he rarely visited us when he used to come for holidays and stopped being friends with Fran."

"I told him that it bothered me that he chose Fran before me and ignored me during our childhood. That was the reason I always had that doubt if I was his second choice. He said that I was 13 when he went to college and if he had liked me instead of Fran at that age, we would be having a different problem."

"He told me that when I contacted him, he thought that I must be like Fran and was not very enthusiastic to meet me. However, after we hung out for few times, he realized I am nothing like Fran. We soon became close, started dating, and got married after a few years."

It also became clear that James wanted more space from Fran than he was getting.

"He told me that Fran was married by then, and he saw that I always put Fran on the pedestal and would get jealous when Fran posted vacation pictures or the new shiny things her husband bought for her. That was the reason he never told me that he does not like hanging around Fran as he feels that for me, Fran was always the north star."

"He told me that he has always kept his distance from Fran, and she was a non-issue since we would meet her only a few times every year. However, after her divorce, he did not know how to act."

"He said that he was grateful to me for uprooting our lives and moving back to our hometown for his mom's health. He wanted to do the same and take care of my family. When Fran got divorced, he supported her in every way he could for me, even though he realized it meant spending a lot of time with her and listening to her bring up all the memories from high school, that he wanted to forget."

"I told him it bothered me that Fran came to our house as often as she does, and generally in the evenings when I go to gym. He told me that he also finds it odd that she knows my gym routine and always comes on evenings when I am not at home."

"However, he told me that he has always kept his distance from her, and if she did anything that would raise an alarm, he would have told me immediately. She just makes him all the old movies or TV shows they watched growing up, and gossips endlessly about their high-school friends."

"He told me I needed to trust him and if I wanted him to be the bad guy and ask Fran to not visit us often, he could do that for me. However, he knows that I will eventually make up with my mom and Fran and does not want to blame him for being mean to Fran."

"However, he told me he would not tell Fran what to wear around the house, as it would be creepy if it came from him. I felt I got all the assurance I needed from James, and I will never doubt how amazing of a husband he has been."

The OP's mom and sister also apologized, but it may or may not have been genuine.

"My mom and Fran visited us on Sunday, and my mom profusely apologized to me."

"She told me she did not want me to feel bad for her comment and that she would never wish anything bad on my marriage. She meant to say that James was a great guy, and she hoped Fran could find someone like him one day."

"Fran was a bit sour but apologized to us for all the name-calling on Friday and told us that it was just her hormones. She said that she likes hanging out with her sister and her best friend, and hence comes to our house."

"I told her she was welcome to come anytime she wanted but to call ahead of time in case James and I have plans for the evening and she agreed. I really want to move past this issue, but I do want to put some firm boundaries on when Fran can come to our house and hang out with James alone, as I know it bothers him too."

"Overall, I feel things are good now. I am glad my worst fears did not come true, but I do feel I need some therapy in order to deal with my insecurities."

"Also, I am reading all your comments. Thanks for all your love. James and I have already discussed to put more boundaries regarding Fran and strategies on how to avoid her when she comes over uninvited."

Some were relieved but urged the OP to tighten her boundaries even more.

"I don't know if Fran ever had thoughts about seducing your husband, but I think she was basking in his attention and was definitely living in a what-if world. She's divorced and financially insecure, and your husband was a potential future that she turned down."

"When she is over at your house, alone with your husband, she can pretend that that is her life - married and financially secure to a man who at one time worshipped the ground she walked on.

However, your husband doesn't feel that way anymore. I think you can trust his words on that. It sounds like he really just doesn't feel comfortable being the one to set boundaries because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings, and she is your sister."

"Create your boundaries (no more sleepovers, always be appropriately dressed, and don't come over suddenly, call first), and be firm. These are not unreasonable boundaries. You're literally living in the same town, there's no reason for her to sleep over." - -SiRReN-

"Fran is trying to relive her good old high school days when she thought she had it all. She's reliving old memories, and trying to get James to live them too. She's watching movies from their childhood."

"Honestly, Fran needs therapy. It's pretty d**n sad, and OP has every right to set those boundaries, as Fran can't seem to act like a good human being and sister." - lemmful

"I think the biggest burr here is that OP is not willing to protect her husband's space."

"She knows he doesn't really like seeing her and the stuff she laughs about, he cringes about. He doesn't like who she is as a person and by his own words, and he is only supporting her because OP wouldn't have put her out and he didn't cut her off because OP never would. Otherwise, he would have kept on not talking to her."

"I think she is mentally slotting herself into OP's life, and living that fantasy eases the hurt of her marriage ending, but it does so with a false sense of security at the cost of other people's happiness and sanity. Hence the post. There's zero way he's enjoying any of this, and he's probably VERY over it."

"Even if he won't ever say it to OP straight, he did say it. He doesn't like having her around."

"OP needs to be able to draw a line in the sand when she isn't mad and maintain that line. It's clear she never learned that skill because of how her sister and mother act now, though I can say they play a part in that."

"He will put up with it for OP, but he shouldn't have to, to be honest. Their relationship should probably not include him at all." - Grimwohl

"You made a mistake telling her to come over anytime. Revise that to, 'I will invite you over.'"

"Cut these visits way down. She isn't coming over to see you. No more spending the night and being half-dressed. No more of her coming by when you are not home."

"And then just never invite her over, LOL (laughing out loud)."

"She is definitely not welcome any time and Fran is 100 percent going to cling onto that line and still come over whenever she wants!"

"OP, please know that 'having plans' can include just having an evening to yourselves. It doesn't have to mean you are actively doing an activity or going out. I think you are still in danger of Fran coming over whenever she wants."

"Be prepared to protect your house and you and your husband's safe space." - Sweet_Attention_1064

"Stop having your sister over to your house. You know what she is trying to pull. We all know what she's trying to pull."

"She is looking for validation because she feels rejected. And she is trying to get it from your husband."

"I'd be wary of your mother as well. I'm definitely getting the sense of a Golden Child here, and it sure as h**l ain't you, OP."

"And, not for nothing, your husband is indulging your sister. His words to you say one thing, but his actions say otherwise. He is free to not sit all cozy on the couch with her. He is free to not answer the door when she conveniently shows up the second you leave. He can tell you that he doesn't feel comfortable with her little sleepovers when she literally lives in the same town as you."

"He did none of that. He just blew you off. Because he also seems to like the validation he's receiving from a woman who once rejected him. Personally, I'd take what he said with a giant grain of salt."

"I'm sorry that it appears that those you thought closest to you are a**holes. Please protect yourself." - Internal-Student-997

The subReddit was troubled by how the OP was being treated but also by how the people around her seemed to be supportive of the situation.

Not only was her sister clearly living in the past and regretting where she was in life now, but with her husband's relaxed demeanor about the situation and her mother's thoughts, it seemed to some that the apologies the OP received were only good enough to quiet the OP rather than being genuine.