Content Warning: Body-Shaming, Weight-Shaming
It's undeniable that going through a physical transformation, like losing a lot of weight or committing to a rigorous exercise routine, can dramatically change not just your body but also your quality of life.
But for some people, it can also change their personality, cringed the users of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor GiftExcellent5409 was aware that his wife had worked hard to lose weight and get a "smoking hot" body from losing weight, but he was much more concerned with how her personality had changed, not just with him but also with their children.
But when he attempted to bring this to her attention, the Original Poster (OP) didn't know what else to do when she accused him of being ungrateful for the effort she had put in.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for telling my wife that she was a better wife, lover, and mother when she was fat?"
The OP remembered the good times with his wife.
"My (37 Male) wife (39 Female) used to be so kind, compassionate, fun, funny, and sexy."
"She was overweight for most of her life, and lost the weight in late 2024."
"We used to have so fun together. She used to spend a lot of time with the kids."
Everything changed when the OP's wife lost the weight.
"Now, she doesn't spend much quality time with the kids. She's going out all the time. She admitted that she dresses and acts in a way to get attention from young guys."
"She's loud. She brags about how she looks. She's just annoying now."
"Recently, we got in an argument about our sex life. I told her she just lies in bed like a dead fish."
"She said I should appreciate that she's smoking hot now. She wants me to just witness her and do stuff while she lies there doing nothing."
The OP finally told her how he really felt.
"I told her that she was a better wife, lover, and mother when she was fat. That I prefer the woman I fell in love with, instead of this annoying, mean girl."
"She called me ungrateful and said that she worked so hard to become smoking hot."
"Am I the a**hole?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some couldn't understand the wife's change in personality.
"Woman/wife here, this behavior is strange. I've recently lost 80 pounds myself and feel the hottest I ever have in my life. I feel even hotter in the bedroom now with my husband and crave HIS attention nonstop."
"I have noticed people are looking at me more and friendlier to me out in public, but I don't go seeking it. It just gives me more confidence and makes me happy that my husband now has a confident healthier wife. One he deserves."
"That all being said, I do like/love my husband. I was excited to have him see me be more confident. This smells like she doesn't like/love her husband and is now seeking attention elsewhere. Has the "I'm better than you now" mentality and seeing what better option she has out there now." - Main_Grape739
"Woman here, and I don't want to jump and leap, but this is odd behavior. It's totally normal to appreciate yourself more after losing weight, but the fact that she wants everyone to treat her like a god now is insane. She's actively seeking out attention from men. That's not okay." - No_Pattern5707
"This is crazy to me. I used to be very thin (130 at 5'6). Due to health issues and military issues (as well as 17 years of aging), I went from that 130 to 260. I am one and a half years post op bariatric surgery now, and I like to think all my changes have been positive ones."
"As a short list, I don't care about attention, I never lost my husband's attention. I can actually play with my children without getting tired. I would argue I'm a better lover in the sense that I have more energy to be a more active partner, and I love that for my husband."
"I get that I'm likely in the majority when it comes to bariatric patients, but to see yours and another person's comment that divorce and dramatic personality changes are higher than I'd have thought is really sad." - IssaSpida
"Sadly, OP should keep this in mind that chances are very good his wife is going to do something stupid. I would suggest getting a counselor and possibly, quietly confiding in an attorney for advice on anticipating infidelity. The signs are not looking good." - doublebagger45
"She needs to get her head out of her arse, you loved and married her regardless of weight… if she lost it it wasn't because of anything you did or said so you shouldn't need to be grateful… but yeh she basically thinks she's all that now and nothing is more unattractive than someone who keeps telling the world how attractive they are."
"You can still be pretty and have an ugly attitude, which in turn makes you just an ick person." - trayC-lou
A few said NTA, but that an apology might still help.
"Although I do personally agree it's odd behavior in the sense that like nobody else's (like OP, the kids, etc) feelings are being considered, but I've def heard this tale many, many times."
"Two people are married, one loses a bunch of weight and starts taking care of themselves, and the relationship suffers one way or another, whether its a situation like this orrrr the person who loses weight doesn't change (personality wise) and the partner has the hard time because of low self esteem or whatever."
"But regardless, sorry OP. This is a tough situation. I think what you said was maybe like mean? But then again, it sounds like it was said out of haste and in the heat of the moment."
"NTA butttt I do think a deeper, calmer convo needs to be had because you really do feel this way and that is valid, but could be done in a better way." - _chartreausecapybara
"No, you're not, but your understandable upset came out very undiplomatically. It's easy to do that in the heat of emotion, so I'm not criticizing you. She is drunk on the attention she suddenly she feels she has, and seems to seek, that she feels she missed out on before."
"Apologize, tell her it came out wrong. Tell her how much you love her, how you're proud of her, happy that she accomplished what she did, did something for herself... but you're concerned. Ask her if she's happy with her life, her family."
"Tell her you miss who she was, that it feels like something is wrong, that you and the kids want her happy and miss spending time with her. It's all about getting her to open up, but don't be confrontational." - johnrobie55
Others were concerned that the OP's marriage was not long for this world.
"She thinks she's better than you and that you should worship her. Perhaps she settled for you when she was heavier, thinking she couldn't do any better, and now that she's thinner, she thinks she could do better, and you should be lucky to be with her and no longer makes any effort with sex, etc. Do explore all this." - UnusualPotato1515
"Smoking hot is a great icebreaker, but it's too shallow for anything beyond that. Not really trying to break the ice with your wife. So it's not doing very much for you. The longer-term relationship means much more now." - Talking_-_Head
"You are now part of her boring old life, and you are no longer good enough (in her mind), and good-looking young men now fancy her (and she loves it)."
"Be prepared for her affair(s)." - TastyComfortable2355
"I'm guessing it's because they now need something new to fill the hole they have inside that they thought weight loss would fix."
"Or she can finally date the attractiveness bracket she was always eyeing but never had a go at before because they were out of her league."
"A lot of people settle for what's realistic for them at the time. Marriages are often practical timing and lifestyle matches, not something out of a romance novel. If better options come along later, a lot of people would be tempted, and a certain portion will also act on it."
"People don't like being confronted by this; it's a threat to their contented mediocrity, so they invent this bogus moral high horse about hotness being shallow. It's called sour grapes, and doubles as a social strategy to keep everyone in line, suppressing what they actually want out of fear or shame." - cat_alonic
"I hate to go here, but I'm sure that your wife either is going to or has already started having affairs, unfortunately, and she's mentally and physically separating herself from you AND from your children. This had happened way too many times to not be a serious consideration for OP. Brace yourself. NTA." - GhostWCoffee
"I would tell her that you thought she was smoking hot before, not just now. And that you don't like the way she's treating you and the kids."
"My late husband's first wife had weight loss surgery. Recovery was rough. He nursed her back to health and took care of her. Even before then, he took care of her. She had gotten heavy enough that it caused her health problems. He was always there for her (by both of their admissions)."
"After recovery, she started going out all the time and clubbing. Eventually, she started cheating. To cover her tracks, she started telling people that they were separated before she even told him that she wanted to be separated. I myself was a mutual acquaintance at the time, and she told me a week before she told him."
"She was a big-time liar and flaming narcissist, though, so I'm not saying your wife would do this, but she does need to start taking accountability for her behavior sooner rather than later." - Robinnoodle
"NTA."
"But you love your wife because of the good person you fell in love with. This person, right now, this is who she really, truly is! It was just buried deep inside her under all of her self-hatred and insecurities! Beauty is only skin deep. Ugly goes all the way to the soul."
"I'm sorry to break your heart all over again, but the woman you married, she doesn't actually exist. She was a carefully constructed lie that she told so well that she may have even believed it herself for a little while. When I say I'm sorry, I mean that, from the bottom of my heart. Because she sold you a lie. And she is destroying your family because she is a selfish, arrogant, narcissistic, insecure liar."
"I suggest you get yourself to the bank and get your money in order. Speak to an attorney. File for full custody of your kids. Your marriage is over. It's been over a while now. It's time to protect the kids and yourself. Just don't let this keep you from falling in love again. You'll find the right one. Because your soon-to-be ex-wife just let you go." - Medusa-1701
The subReddit was disgusted on the OP's behalf for how his wife was treating him and their children now that she was feeling better about herself.
Healthy relationships are meant to get through everything together and to lift each other up, rather than letting go as soon as they think they can have something "better."
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.