It’s almost laughable when a person walks out of your life to take care of themselves and turn around, furious to see that you’re doing life better.
Though this dynamic could happen with anyone, it’s a broken record among toxic ex-boyfriends, side-eyed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor DigGrassanova had been with her soon-to-be ex-husband for over a decade and was excited to finally start a baby with him, at least until he filed for divorce, stating that he was still young and needed to be free, when she was just weeks away from giving birth.
But the Original Poster (OP) soon found that she had the upper-hand when she moved back home to a supportive family, making it much easier for her to raise her baby with or without their dad.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for moving back home after my husband left me, even though I’m pregnant?”
The OP had been with her husband for a long time, but not long enough for him to stick around for the birth of their baby.
“I’ve been getting cruel messages from my ex, his family, and our friends for the past few days.”
“My soon-to-be ex-husband, Levi (33 Male), and I (28 Female) have been together for a decade and married for five years. I’m currently pregnant with our first baby and due next month.”
“After I graduated, I moved back to his hometown (a major city on the west coast) with him. I’m from a bigger city in the Midwest, but I loved living out there. I thought we were happy.”
“We planned our baby and were so excited. But a few weeks ago, he told me he was going to file for divorce. He said he didn’t want to be tied down anymore; he was still young and needed to live his life, etc. He said there was nobody else but I know since then that he’s been seeing someone.”
“He wanted me to move out, but this is my house, too; I even put down the down payment. So he’s been staying with his friend, Louis.”
After doing the math, the OP decided to make a big move for herself and her baby.
“I can’t afford to live here on my own while maintaining my lifestyle. Sure, I COULD make it work, but it wouldn’t be the kind of lifestyle I’d want to live, especially with a baby.”
“I make really good money, but it’s so expensive. I have friends for sure, but it’s not the support system he has. I have no family here.”
“So I’ve decided to move back home, and luckily, my company has a location in my hometown, so I was able to keep my job and the same salary.”
The OP was pleasantly surprised by how her family stepped up to support her.
“My parents have been so supportive. They’re divorced and hate one another but have come together in their hatred of Levi, which is interesting to see.”
“They’ve secured me a nice rental home in my city and refuse to let me pay them back, saying I need to save to buy my next house. They’re paying for my divorce lawyer and my copays at my new doctor here, as well.”
“They’re paying said I’m doing the right thing for my baby and are happy to help. Plus, my mom is about to retire and even wants to watch my baby while I work after my maternity leave.”
“So it’s been an ideal situation for me!”
But Levi was less than impressed by all that the OP managed to do for herself.
“Levi is furious. He’s claiming that I moved to get back at him and am going to try to keep him out of our baby’s life.”
“I explained very clearly that I couldn’t afford to be a single mom in San Diego, but he doesn’t believe me. He’s told everyone that I moved back to get the upper hand on custody.”
“That’s not why I moved, but it’s definitely a plus.”
“His job doesn’t have any locations here, and they won’t keep him if he moves. He could get another job here, of course, but he says that’s too much to ask of him.”
“I told him I’d be going for child support once the baby is born, and he told me I needed to make up my mind: could he be a dad or no.”
“I told him he was going to be a dad regardless, and if he doesn’t want to move here, then he would be a dad by paying child support.”
The OP was sure she was doing the right thing for herself and for her baby.
“I don’t think I’m the a**hole. I think I’m doing what I have to do.”
“But I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to all these people who are texting and calling me and telling me that I’m keeping Levi’s baby from him.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was NTA, and her soon-to-be ex-husband was just jealous that she was doing well for herself in his absence.Â
“OMG, an OP who already took the steps to protect themselves… This is so refreshing!”
“To the Randos who have an opinion… WHO CARES?! Seriously, you’re pregnant; protect your peace and reply to none of them. Don’t give them a reaction.”
“Don’t reply, save all messages, call logs, and voicemails. (Also, if you have proof of his infidelity, save that for custody and divorce proceedings, and listen to your lawyer.)”
“(Also, I’m kind of super proud of your parents and I love that they came together for their child and grandchild, love that.)” – Ready-Conflict-1887
“A guy who bails on his wife while she’s carrying his baby that they planned to have together isn’t someone you should rely on. He left because he doesn’t want to be tied down. Being a good parent is a MUCH bigger commitment than being a good spouse. So, he’s almost certainly going to half-ass fatherhood.”
“Maybe he’ll grow the f**k up at some point, but OP shouldn’t bet on it. He chose to leave. It’s on him to make the effort to be a dad, if that’s what he truly wants.” – GarbageCleric
“It does not make sense to pull everything back in your life so you can care for y’all’s child while he treats you like some kind of free nanny and he lives his best life while you are suffering. You keep doing you, and if he wants a part in thi,s he can bring his a** to you.” – brineme753
“The fact that OP has a chance to be close to her family, who have stepped up in preparation to welcome the new addition speaks to the fact that OP, who will be responsible for the majority of childcare if her divorce and custody agreement fall out like most, is a good thing.”
“Also, by moving while pregnant, she avoids the court issues of moving a child out of state and a court potentially ruling on her life decisions (this happens). In that, it was a super smart move!”
“Having her mother step up and offer daycare is PRICELESS, and an unexpected bonus of her decision to move.” – 2dogs1life
“Why do I get the feeling that he’s trying to punish you for his choices?”
“He wants to have a free lifestyle, so he boots you out of his life, but then gets all butt hurt that he can’t keep controlling you and your life by keeping you in close proximity.”
“How dare you just move home to your family where you have support instead of begging and pining over him and struggling to make rent and to raise the baby that he very likely wouldn’t be very involved with after the novelty wore off.”
“Make no mistake, he won’t be there for night feeds and long hours of teething and colic. He’ll come over every other weekend (so long as it suits him), and that’ll taper off soon, too.”
“At the same time, he’ll criticise your parenting, what you spend your money on, and won’t be happy once you move on with a new relationship because while it’s okay for him, for you, ‘it’s different.'”
“You absolutely did the right thing moving back home, where you have support and a safe environment to raise your child.”
“Remind him that it was he who pulled the pin on the relationship. Also, why is moving away from his family and support too much to ask of him when he’s apparently very comfortable with demanding exactly that of you?” – MapHazard5738
Others agreed and were sure that Levi assumed that he’d created an easy path for himself, not realizing how resourceful the OP would turn out to be.
“You did the right thing. He wanted his freedom, and now he has it! He’s probably p**sed that you’re not begging him to stay.”
“Good for you, sweetheart! I’m proud of you! And your parents ROCK!!” – crying4what
“First off, congratulations on your baby! Second, don’t respond to those stupid texts; you can block those numbers. If he sends any hateful texts, especially now with the baby, you can save those and use them in court if he ever tries to go after you.”
“What you need is a peaceful time before delivery and a stress-free postpartum lifestyle. And go for child support. He’s the one who wanted to leave for a free lifestyle, now he’s got it.” – FMobile-5851
“If I were having a child in this situation, I would 100% choose my mother over this piece of s**t.”
“It’d be one thing if it was by accident, but if you PLAN to have a kid with your wife and then immediately bail on her before the kid’ born, there could be a few reasons, but none that would make me think he’s ready to be a good father.” – tham1700
“He likely wants 50/50 so he (thinks he) doesn’t have to pay child support, but then really wants to leave the baby with you most of the time, anyway.”
“In reality, child support is separate from custody when there is a disparity in income between you two.”
“And if you prove that you’re still shouldering the majority of the costs of things like childcare, medical costs, clothes, school, etc. It’s not the get out of hell free loophole men think it is.” – Apathetic_Villainess
“Levi knew what he was doing; he wanted out of the relationship and wanted to do what he wanted to do, while you waited for the baby, and he could come in and out as he pleased.”
“What Levi didn’t anticipate is that you have more self-esteem than he banked on!!”
“Now he’s manufactured a smear campaign to make you look like the bad guy because he doesn’t want to be made accountable for driving you away.”
“You have the option of ignoring everybody and forwarding the harassment to your attorney, and you have the option of exposing your ex by sharing your truth. Either way, you made the best decision for your mental, physical, and emotional well-being as a pregnant woman.”
“Congratulations, mama! Keep doing the best for you and your baby.” – GabrielleArcha
The subReddit loudly applauded not just the OP for being brave and making moves for herself, but for her parents recognizing what was important and coming together to support their daughter and future grandchild.
It was clear that the OP’s soon-to-be ex-husband was not mature enough to take the next step in his life, and since he wasn’t, it only made sense for the OP to surround herself with people who were.