Proposing to someone is meant to be a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
Some proposals take months to plan. Others happen with a sense of spontaneity.
Every detail is going to be remembered and retold time and time again leading up to the wedding and thereafter.
So the memory has to be perfect. Right?
But is there such a thing as the “perfect” proposal?
Maybe. Maybe not.
But there are an awful lot of awful proposals.
Case in point…
Redditor pokemonkandy wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
“AITA for calling my friend’s proposal disrespectful?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Alright, so here’s the deal.”
“My friend (M[ale] 27) decided to propose to his girlfriend of 3 years, Dina (F[emale] 26).”
“The two met at a bar pre-COVID and were just chatting at first, but it quickly led to more, and eventually, the two of them moved in together and discussed marriage.”
“Personally, I think they’re a great match, and my friend, Stephen, has never been happier.”
“He told me that he was planning to propose to Dina, and I was ecstatic.”
“Well, the day of the proposal hits, and I called Stephen the next day, which was last night, to congratulate him.”
“But he wasn’t happy.”
“He told me that Dina had said no.”
“I was shocked and asked if he knew why.”
“He said that she didn’t like how he proposed.”
“Now here’s the thing.”
“I knew he was going to pop the question, but I didn’t know how he was going to do it.”
“He thought it would be romantic to propose at the place they met… yes. A bar.”
“Already I could kind of see why she might not like that, but I decided to ask her privately because she and I have gotten to be close.”
“She confided in me that it’s because she told Stephen multiple times that she didn’t want to have a public proposal.”
“And she was horrified that he would do it at a bar of all places and that she felt disrespected that he didn’t accommodate that.”
“I told Stephen that his proposal was honestly really disrespectful and seriously kind of messed up.”
“To which he told me I was being an insensitive AH and should be supportive as his friend rather than talking down on him, but I don’t know if I’m wrong here.
“AITA for calling my friend’s proposal disrespectful?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Omg NTA, if your girlfriend says she doesn’t want a public proposal, don’t propose in public.”
“Ignoring her wishes is disrespectful, and it’s not bad for a trusted third party to confirm this to Stephen so he can recognize the issue instead of just thinking his girlfriend doesn’t want him.”
“You did the right thing.”
“If he needs support and you want to help him, both of which are reasonable, maybe offer to help him plan a more personal private proposal?” ~ thaliagorgon
“Proposing at the place they met is not necessarily a bad move, but Mr. Proposer wasn’t listening to his lovely woman when she said NO public proposals.”
“Nothing would feel romantic after Mr. Proposer put her on the spot publicly.”
“He should try proposing again in a few months… and get it right.” ~ CymraegAmerican
“I’m with you. NTA.”
“Public proposals are manipulative unless you know your partner would like something like that.”
“Who wants to be the person to reject it in public!?”
“I like the idea of helping him plan something more private.”
“He needs to respect her boundaries.” ~ GamerGirlLex77
“Exactly! While I would hate to be proposed to publicly, I once saw a public proposal at a Renaissance Faire where it was worked into a courtroom performance.”
“It was cute, catered to the couple’s interest, and involved an audience who was there to watch a performance rather than having one foisted upon them.”
“Plus, it was obvious the fiancee-to-be kind of expected it.”
“I also witnessed a public proposal at a restaurant.”
“Me and some of the other diners were all ‘Do we clap? Should we give them their moment? Aargh! I didn’t ask to be a part of this!'”
“OP is NTA.”
“While I understand that her friend is in a bad place right now and acting out, as others have said, friends tell you when you’ve f**ked up while helping you process.” ~ JonathanTaylorHanson
“NTA. It’s not that he proposed at a bar. It’s that he did a public proposal when she told him multiple times that wasn’t what she wanted.” ~ NerysLark
“Stephen is the a**hole.”
“If his G[irl]F[riend] told him NOT to propose in a public setting. He should’ve respected that.”
“The bar thing doesn’t bother me because it’s their first date.”
“What’s bothersome is he did something she specifically asked him not to, and now his feelings are hurt because he didn’t listen to her. NTA.” ~ concernedreader1982
“If he really wanted to propose at the bar where they met, he should have rented the place out or worked out something with the manager or owner to see if it was possible to have the bar for the proposal for an hour.” ~ bobobokeh
“A close friend of mine warned me of such an upcoming proposal.”
“I was shocked because I’d only been dating this guy for three months, and he was planning a public beach proposal in front of all our friends.”
“Something she warned him not to do!”
“I had to take him privately down the beach and let him down.”
“I didn’t want a public proposal or see marriage in our future.”
“Then he started drama, crying, and making it seem like I was a horrible person for turning him down.”
“I hate it when men don’t listen.” ~ Not-A-SoggyBagel
“Ugh, bad proposal ladies unite!”
“I told my ex not to propose publicly, to wait until college was over (which we were starting our last set of final exams for so not a huge wait), and to let me have some input on the ring since I was picky about jewelry.”
“He proposed by telling me he needed to talk to me on the afternoon before my biggest exam at a park in front of a group of strangers.”
“He had the most God-awful ring I’ve ever seen in my life and paraded me around to family the rest of the day when I should have been studying.”
“I was an idiot that said yes because I was too embarrassed to say no in front of a group.”
“I broke it off not long after, though.”
“Yes, ignoring clearly defined wants about a proposal and ring that we will be wearing the rest of our lives is a HUGE red flag about how little they care about us.”
“Men: Just ask us what we want, and we will tell you.”
“That’s what my current partner did, and our wedding is in a year.”
“He listened to me. He cares.” ~ Thisisjustsillyok
“I don’t know, a bar?”
“The standards are lower for a first date than a proposal.”
“I wouldn’t have nostalgia for my office if I met my partner at work.”
“Or even a bar, like, who wants to kneel there?”
“OP, tell your friend to find somewhere remote and beautiful, maybe the top of a trail (nothing too strenuous as she shouldn’t be sweating too much) or at an orchard during a bloom.”
“He dropped the ball, but neither should you on calling his dumbass out!”
“But yeah, totally agree, NTA!” ~ Fun-Conversation-901
“NTA. I would have said YTA had they not discussed the proposal before.”
“But she told him MULTIPLE TIMES to not make it a public proposal, and he did the opposite of that.”
“I would be pretty pissed too.”
“She had one request, and he couldn’t even deliver that.” ~ Even_Supermarket_629
OP returned to chat…
“This whole situation played out far differently than I expected.”
“I didn’t know that Stephen had a Reddit, and he saw everything. All of this.”
“He confronted me about it, and while he was pissed that I ‘aired their dirty laundry,’ he did end up thanking me for posting it because it ‘gave him a different perspective.'”
“So thank you, commenters!”
“As for their relationship: Dina and Stephen are still living together… sort of.”
“Dina was upset over the whole event and has spent the past couple of days mostly at her parent’s house and then working it out with Stephen at night.”
“Dina said she is working on forgiving him but mostly has been bothered that her wishes weren’t met.”
“At this time, they are not engaged, and Dina has no plans for that anytime soon.”
“I did tell Stephen that if they stay together, I would help him plan a proposal in the future.”
“The three of us live in Florida, and we’re all relatively close to a beach.”
“So I suggested to Stephen that next time he proposed, he does it in the evening at a beach or somewhere private without a lot of people or noise.”
“Stephen also told Dina he is planning on returning the ring he bought and will be giving her some of the money to use for whatever she wants.”
“I think he ordered flowers to be sent to her work, too, if I’m not mistaken.”
“So I guess it all worked out in the end.”
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
Thankfully your update allows everyone a little closure.
Hopefully, Stephen and Dina can make it work.
Good luck helping plan the next go-round.