Few would argue that the most challenging part of marriage is one’s relationship with one’s in-laws.
Even if you generally have a strong relationship with them, you might find yourself overcompensating in an effort to please them, ensuring you are always in their good graces.
While some people are predisposed to hating their in-laws, and make no effort to get along with them, or simply go out of their way to make their lives miserable.
Resulting in an exhausting dynamic either way.
Redditor letmeknowplzzz didn’t have the best relationship with her mother-in-law (MIL).
But things recently came to a head at a family gathering organized by the original poster (OP), and her husband intended to honor her MIL.
Resulting in the OP and her husband promising never to host a party in her honor ever again.
But when the OP’s husband began to backpedal on this promise, she felt the need to hold him to his word.
Wondering if she was being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my husband we will not be hosting for Mother’s Day because of his mom?”
The OP explained how a party. in honor of her MIL ended up causing a larger strain in their relationship:
“My husband (28 M[ale]) and I (27 F[emale]) have been together for about 8 years and since the beginning my and MILs relationship has been rocky.”
“That being said, I get along with his family very well and share my husband’s love of hosting parties and gatherings.”
“Recently there’s been a bit of drama in the family due to one of his sisters isolating herself and playing victim stating no one makes an effort to reach out to her.”
“A couple months ago for MILs birthday, my husband had sent out a text to the family chat to invite everyone over.”
“All celebrations and holidays are a potluck in one of the 5 sibling houses with the host family doing majority of the work.”
“despite SIL being in the chat, she complained to MIL that my husband didn’t have the decency to invite her.”
“She said she would feel ‘like an intruder’ if she showed up.”
“MIL called my husband to say he should call his sister to apologize for excluding her and invite her formally.”
“My husband simply said she’s in the chat and no one else received anything ‘formal’ and she was welcome like everyone else.”
“The day came and I of course did the bulk of the work.”
“Well, MIL never showed up.”
“She told another SIL she would not be sharing a meal with someone who blatantly excluded one of her children.”
“We all chose to have a great time and cut her cake ourselves, and treated it like a family gathering instead of a birthday celebration.”
“When everyone left, my husband apologized for MILs absence and thanked me for everything I did.”
“I honestly felt so heartbroken, because why would MIL not think about the effort that was made?”
“I calmly told my husband we would no longer be celebrating his mom at our house.”
“He said he understood.”
“Today, he asked if we should invite everyone over for Mother’s Day.”
“I immediately said no.”
“SIL is still behaving the same, MIL never apologized for what she did, and I refuse to have a redo.”
“It was a few months ago, but the way he asked so nonchalantly triggered something in me.”
“I reminded him we would no longer celebrate his mom in our house.”
“He said this wasn’t his mom’s birthday.”
“I clarified that anything to do with celebrating his mom is now off the table.”
“Going out to dinner, or taking something store bought to one of his sister’s houses for a future birthday of hers is fine, but I will no longer spend hours of my day for her.”
“He asked me for how long and I said it would be a permanent thing.”
“He asked if I had forgiven her and I said yes, but those were my new boundaries.”
“He said that’s not how it works and accused me of harboring resentment from years ago to make this a bigger problem.”
“We ended the conversation with him agreeing we would not be hosting for Mother’s Day, but he said he felt I was being petty.”
“I might be, but the more I think about it, the more I feel like I’m not wrong for this boundary.”
“So, AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to host a Mother’s Day party.
Everyone agreed that the OP’s MIL was unworthy of a celebration owing to her disrespectful behavior and agreed her husband needed to follow through with his promise:
“NTA.”
“Both MIL and SIL sound rude and childish – the apple didn’t fall far from the tree there.”
“You made it clear to your husband about your boundary for your hosting future events for MIL, and he is now back-pedaling.”
“If he wants to host, he can do it elsewhere, or one of the other four siblings can step up.”
“If SIL wants to be included, why can’t she host?”
“The whole family just sounds exhausting.”- Pure-Philosopher-175
“Regardless of all the family drama.”
“WTF would your husband expect you to do the work of hosting Mother’s Day for HIS mother?”
“If you’re also a mother, shouldn’t he be prioritizing his efforts to ensure YOU have a nice day?”
“NTA but your husband might be, and your MIL/ SIL certainly are.”- Disastrous_Photo_388
“He can make an effort for her.”
“It’s his mother.”
“If he wants to host her, he can do all the work.”
“‘But I will no longer spend hours of my day for her’.”
“Fair.”
“‘He said that’s not how it works.'”
“How what works?”
“You don’t owe him time for his mother.”
“‘he said he felt I was being petty’.”
“Again, he can plan and host things for his mom.”
“NTA.”- slendermanismydad
“NTA, why are his feelings more valid than yours?”
“Although you may be better off with a boundary that only affects your efforts.”
“If your husband wants to host his family and his mother for Mother’s Day, I would let him.”
“The catch is that you aren’t helping host it.”
“No cooking, no cleaning before or after.”
“It is on him to carry the burden of hosting the family.”
“I’d also set an expectation of how quickly you expect the after cleaning to be done (i.e., same day, etc.).”
“I am betting that if he has to do all the work, he won’t be so quick to offer to host.”
“He doesn’t realize how much time and effort you put into her birthday because he didn’t host the day.”
“He basked in the finished product and has quickly forgotten how you felt because he wasn’t really impacted by it when his mom threw the day out the window.”
“It is a lot easier to volunteer someone else’s time and effort than to do it yourself.”- Jelcei
“NTA.”
“MIL made it clear she has no respect for the time, effort, money OP put into the birthday gathering she noped out on bc one of her kids is being a petulant brat.”- ButterscotchFit8175
“Omg NTA.”
“How is your husband not getting this?”- Anxious_Reporter_601
“NTA.”
“‘Forgive and forget’, and ‘turn the other cheek’ doesn’t mean you have to let them hit you again.”- Otherwise-Topic-1791
“NTA.”
“And your husband should have a very clear conversation with his mother about her behavior.”
“And to forgive and move on without an apology and behavioral improvement is a no.”
“His mother and sister behave like brats, but you should invest time and work to please them?”
“Tell him that he can host, but you will not be there to prepare anything or help out in any way.”
“Spend the day and night at a friend’s or a hotel.”
“Stick to your boundaries!”- Allasch
“NTA.”
“Your husband is part of the problem here.”
“Why are you doing the majority of the work to host his family?”
“Where is the part where he held his mother accountable for not showing her party?”
“He has a lot of audacity to ask you to host again.”- soph_lurk_2018
“NTA.”
“But you can compromise.”
“You book yourself a weekend getaway, so your husband can host the Birthday party and do all the work.”- Bastet79
“NTA, but I’m confused.”
“Why would hosting Mother’s Day even be up to you?”
“He has five siblings with houses.”
“You say you take turns hosting family events.”
“MIL’s birthday was just a few months ago.”
“Surely it is another sibling’s turn to host?”
“And this is a very reasonable boundary.”
“You can host holiday gatherings.”
“You can host birthday gatherings. It sounds like there are only TWO days off limits for you: Mother’s Day and your MIL’s birthday.”
“Your husband is the one being petty over two days per year when he has a large family that can step up.”- RazzBeryllium
It’s confusing enough why the OP’s MIL would defend and enable her daughter’s immature behavior.
Even more confusing, however, is why the OP’s husband doesn’t think his mother would pull the same immature stunt again.
Particularly when she offered no apology.
Perhaps the OP’s husband isn’t giving this any thought because he expects her to do all the work again…