Treating a significant other for a special birthday dinner should make for a joyous evening.
However, one girlfriend's plans for her boyfriend's birthday were derailed by an unexpected incident that led to drama and contemplation regarding the future of their relationship.
So she turned to the "Am I the A** Hole?" (AITAH) subReddit and sought judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor dreamingblondie asked:
"AITAH for 'ruining' my bf's birthday dinner cause I didn't accepted to pay for everyone? Advice Needed?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (20 F[female]) have been dating my bf 'Ryan' (21 M[ale]) for about a year. For his birthday this year, I wanted to do something special, so I told him I'd take him out to a nice dinner."
"Just the two of us and I'd cover the bill. He was super excited and agreed. So I made a reservation at a nice restaurant, put on a nice dress and was so excited to see his reaction."
"When I got there, I was surprised to see that Ryan had invited his best friend who also arrived with his gf. He hadn't mentioned anything about them coming. I was caught off guard but thought why not having a nice couple dinner."
The OP continued:
"The whole time his best friend and his gf ordered a ton of appetizers and multiple drinks each. I started panicking a little because I realized this bill was going to be way more than I'd planned for."
"Toward the end Ryan leaned over and said, 'Don't forget, you said you'd cover it.' I told him I agreed to pay for his dinner cause of his birthday and not for another couple, I didn't even knew was coming."
"He said it's 'rude' to invite people to dinner and not pay for them."
In response to his statement, the OP said:
"At this point I already thought wtf wrong with you and told him it's ruder to invite people to a dinner that someone else is paying for without telling them first. I already had the feeling to explode out of anger so I just went quite and waited for the waiter to finally pay."
"When the check came, I paid for my meal and his and told his buddy that he should cover the bill for himself and his gf."
"Both looked at me as if I had insulted them in some way, saying I embarrassed them in front of the server. In addition to that Ryan even called me 'cheap' and said I ruined his birthday."
"All this happened last Saturday and since then he's been giving me the cold shoulder and just answered my messages with insulting me for 'embarrassing' him in front of his friend."
"Now I'm thinking about breaking up because he is not talking to me since one week already even though I wanted to apologize. Maybe some of you got any advice for me?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"NTA. Your boyfriend, his friend, and his friends girlfriend are sh**ty and you need to reevaluate whether or not your boyfriend cares about you or if he is using you because that was very rude and presumptuous on all 3 of their parts. Now he isn't talking to you over it?"
"Well he has made it pretty clear the only part about you he cares about which is clearly the part that financially benefits him and his friends. F'k em all you're better off now. You're too young to waste time on people who treat you like that." – Ok_Copy_8869
"Exactly! Remember that he intentionally brought along extra people who made a considerable effort at running up the bill because they believed you were paying. That's tacky as hell." – Martha90815
"Since when doesn't everyone pitch in for the birthday boy/girl? That's the way my friend group always did it. You paid for yourself and we would all cover the birthday dinner/drinks as part of their gift." – pwlife
"So he's ghosting as a punishment? Then, just ghost him back. That's an easy way to end a relationship with someone who does that. Block him and move on." – hellofellowcello
"Even if I went to dinner with someone who offered to pay for dinner I would feel really weird ordering extras like drinks and apps and not paying for them myself. It's very gross that they thought they could just go hog wild on whatever they wanted and expect you to pay - even more so since you weren't expecting them. They are are nasty people." – Odd_Temperature906
"Older person who has eaten out for many many meals. With friends and without."
"What you BF did was 100% wrong and very rude. His friends were just as bad or worse."
"NTA, and you really should break up. Trust me, if a young man likes you, he wouldn't treat you like this." – busyshrew
"You have 1600 people and counting on your side, unanimously telling you to move on. He's awful. Dumping him will be liberating and empowering for you, and an important life lesson for him. Jerks like him need to learn how to treat people."
"If you treat a significant other poorly, you get dumped. Simple cause and effect." – Rougefarie
"You absolutely deserve better than this! The only reason his friends ordered a ton of food/drinks was because they expected you to pay for it. You also told your bf that you wanted to do a nice dinner with just the two of you. Your bf is a POS and so are his friend & his gf."
"You're only 20 years old & have your whole life ahead of you. Don't ever settle for someone who treats you like this. Kick this guy to the curb." – Flipflops727
"As a fellow old guy who's eaten out many times, I second the old guy who's eaten out many times. You were used and when you decided to have a problem with it he withheld affection from you."
"This guy doesn't really give a sh*t about you or he'd be apologizing, making a constructive compromise, or otherwise trying to make amends." – John_Muir_wannabe1
"But fantastic on you for standing up for yourself - many of us would've maxed out credit cards to avoid causing a scene. Dump him & find yourself somebody who deserves you - you'll be fine!" – Tasty-Mall8577
"I wish you hadn't paid and just left. Or just paid for your own food and left. He's using you. He's a nasty, freeloading user. Now he's trying to guilt you into thinking you should have paid for his bloody friends. You've got to be kidding me."
"DO NOT see him again. He is NOT a good person. He's a dickhead. Tell him that."
"You deserve better. You'll meet better. Don't settle for d*ckheads." – Salt-Finding9193
"A telltale sign of a covert narcissist is a partner that gives the silent treatment, expects others to financially cover them for their own stellar reputation, puts their partner in emotionally unsafe situations (ideally set up to make you look bad and then good), gaslights, does not care about taking all of your money if they feel they need it (regardless of how you'd suffer), blames and shames you for social and financial situations of their purposeful creations, I could go on."
"You've accidentally listed so many examples of a narcissist, even if you didn't know it. I've been there, I'm sorry." – Andobu
"Who cares if he turns it around on you once you are broken up? Dump him, block him, and run away with a big sigh of relief. Not your problem any more."
"He has completely sh**ty friends too. What a pair of arseholes expecting a 20-year-old to have enough money to pay for their over-the-top dinner plus drinks etc."
"NTA unless you stay with this rude mooch." – pixie-ann
"The man who is supposed to care for you called you cheap...after trying to scam not one but THREE free dinners out of you. Drop him like a hot potato and find someone who actually cares about YOU and not just your wallet." – LadySiren
It seems the OP took everyone's messages to heart and has moved on with her love life. In response to one of the comments criticizing the B-day boy, she wrote:
"Thank you for your perspective it really helped. You're right, his behavior was disrespectful, and it feels like he and his friends took advantage of me. I wanted to make his birthday special, but instead, he called me 'cheap' and hasn't spoken to me since."
"I realize now I shouldn't waste my time on someone who doesn't value me. It's time to focus on myself and find someone who treats me better."
She added in response to someone who professed to being older and wiser:
"Thank you for sharing your perspective it means a lot coming from someone with more life experience. I'm starting to realize just how wrong and disrespectful his behavior was, and his friends were no better."
"You're right if he truly cared about me, he wouldn't have treated me like this. I think breaking up might be the best choice."
May our Redditor find someone who'll give her the respect she deserves
Woman Breaks Up With 'Clingy' Boyfriend For Making Joke About 'Getting With' Her Sister
As much as we might want to date someone, there's no point in trying to gain the attention and affection of someone who does not want to reciprocate.
Dating someone "similar" to fill that void isn't a good look, either, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Flashy-External1666 had been long-distance dating a guy from her friend group for about a month, even though he'd expressed his attraction to her older sister repeatedly before they started dating.
When her sister entered a new relationship, the Original Poster (OP) was hurt and disgusted that her boyfriend insinuated that he could have been trying to "get with" her sister while he was instead busy dating her.
She asked the sub:
The OP was aware that her boyfriend had his eye on someone close to her before dating her.
"I (19 Female) am with M (21 Male), and we've been together for a month. We were friends before this, for a while."
"For some background, when we were in a friend group, he'd always talk about how my sister (23 Female) was super hot and how he wanted her, but she was in a relationship at the time."
When he found out that her sister had been in-between relationships, he had an unsavory reaction.
"Earlier today, I mentioned to him how my sister started seeing this new guy, and I was super proud of her, because she went through a lot with her last relationship."
"His immediate reply was, 'Dang,' one month too late' with a sad emoji, insinuating that he was one month too late to get with her, because we've been together for a month."
You can see the text message exchange here:
The OP was immediately turned off by the idea of dating him.
"After I got upset and he apologized, he immediately sent me a reel that said, 'When she's already upset about me, but I have a second joke in mind.'"
"I feel like he genuinely doesn't care about me."
"He has also gotten weirdly clingy within the month, like red-flag clingy."
"He keeps trying to say how he loves me, wants to marry me, and wants me to go live with him. But he also always brings up my exes and gets super jealous when HE mentions them."
"I don't know what to do. Should I block him??"
"He's mentioned before that I would need to block him on everything if we ever broke up because he'd never leave me alone (we are currently long-distance)."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some were grossed out by the boyfriend's text message and understood why the OP was upset.
"The fact that he wrote all that out and even added a little emoji at the end and still decided to send it, knowing it would be hurtful for you."
"Seems like he’s texted that to see if he could get away with it. Either way, you don’t say something like that to someone you care about…" - Oven_Traditional
"NOR. Ew! That’s so disrespectful coming from someone who should be thrilled to have you."
"I’m team 'dump him.' If he has a brother, maybe ask for his brother’s number as you end it just to see how he likes it." - Entire-Tonight-1463
"NOR. He's not joking about your sister. Based on what he's said about her in the past, it would have been a wise move to NOT date him at all. PERIOD."
'There's a possibility that he's clingy/close to you for the purpose of indirectly keeping an eye on your sister. Release him and let him go, thereby setting yourself free from foolishness." - AtlJazzy2024
"He’s not for you… Break up with him and block him. You deserve a guy who treasures YOU!" - Muted-Lynx-8745
"He might be your boyfriend, but you're not his girlfriend. In his mind, your sister is." - Save-your-spoons
Others urged the OP to block her boyfriend and move on.
"Girl, it's been a month. Let that loser go." - sleepymelfho
"He kept OP as a backup, while circling her sister's orbit. What has happened to transparency and honesty in relationships? All I read now is obnoxious men doing obnoxious things to their partners."
"OP, he's keeping you around to stay close to your sister. You deserve better... NOR." - ColdHandGee
"NOR. You know that he's not joking about wanting your sister. He told on himself before you even got together, talking about how hot she was. Believe him."
"Break up with him and cut him off immediately. I can't believe you ever agreed to date him in the first place. I'd never want to date someone who had the hots for someone else in my immediate circle, whether that was a sibling or a friend." - Lanky_Mud_8148
"You’ve been dating one month, and that’s one month too long."
"He’s not joking about your sister. He fancies her more than you, and you’re the consolation prize. He will pursue her given the chance."
"Time to dump him." - Special_Wind_6708
"NOR. He can't have your sister, so you're just the next best thing. Him being a clingy weirdo that 'will never leave you alone' is the cherry on top."
"You know what to do. Dump him and block him on everything. If anyone from the friend group asks, just tell them what you told us. And you REALLY should warn your sister; you have receipts." - sdoM-bmuD
"Ditch him. Honestly. What are you waiting for?" - forget_me_not_uwu
"NOR at all. Cut this loser out of all channels of your life."
"I wouldn’t block, though. Just ghost so that he can watch you become happier without him as the ultimate revenge because I’m petty like that, and he clearly deserves it."
"ALSO, if he's as creepy and clingy as he sounds, you can have him muted, so he can see your activity, but you won't have to see his... But you'd have all of his messages as receipts if he ever became threatening or stalkerish for police purposes."
"For more context: My mum started dating my dad (when she was 19, too), who initially tried to go for her older sister (two years older) and got rejected."
"After three years of dating, seven years of engagement, and 20 years of marriage where she put up with an incompetent man-child that wouldn’t do anything for himself and expected her to completely cater to him while he berated her and treated her like s**t..."
"...it ended in him cheating on her with a waitress for over a year and denying it until my mum had literal photographic evidence, to which he had the audacity to respond with the reasoning that she was the reason he was 'driven to cheat' (as if that was even remotely close to the truth and the only option to solve his ‘problems’)."
"Save yourself, girl. This man-child can learn to pine over you and your sister from afar as you both skip into the sunset together, moving on with your lives and into better relationships that fulfill you the way you deserve!" - peachycritter
Some cautioned the OP to also cover her tracks after the breakup, as he sounded worse than "clingy" to them.
"The actual scary part isn't even the sister joke; it's, 'he said he'd never leave me alone if we broke up,' only one month in."
"That line gave me chills, and that alone would have me Googling how to block someone on every platform that exists." - babydoodle91
"Ew. These super clingy guys right out the gate are scary. Please watch your step, and erase your tracks." - Immabirb
"He sounds like a stalker... Drop him now, fast. And block him everywhere." - Admirable_Program720
"NOR, yes, you block him, and you keep him out of your life, and you tell mutual friends that if they try to facilitate contact between you two, you will block them as well. He isn't joking." - JustAsICanBeSoCruel
"I watch way too much crime for this!"
"Girl, block him. Also tell your sister to block him, too; he’s obsessed with her." - MrsRoronoaZoro
"NOR. You're underreacting, honestly."
"He wants your sister, but you're close enough. He's obsessed with her and won't give it up even though he has someone he 'wants to marry.'"
"Also, he's not lying. He probably will stalk you online afterwards; please be careful." - Phoenix-Phire-38
"NOR at all. Your post kept adding on more red flags with each additional sentence. I know you’re young, but he’s toxic, and yes, you will need to block him."
"Breaking up with someone you have strong feelings for is really difficult, so when you leave, you should make sure to lean on friends and family and keep yourself distracted with things you like and find engaging." - query_tech_sec
"The s**t with your sister is nothing compared to the love-bombing and jealousy. This guy is trouble, and scary, and you will have done the right thing when you leave him and maintain the distance between the two of you. NOR." - potatomeeple
After receiving feedback, the OP posted an update, but it seemed to be only the beginning.
"Thank you for making me feel less crazy."
"I blocked him on everything and deactivated my Instagram."
"He DM'ed a girl that I had posted ONCE on my Instagram Stories, asking about me."
"I'm not sure if he's going to keep trying to talk to me, but I hope not."
The subReddit's internal alarm bells were ringing while reading the OP's post, and they hoped that she'd leave her boyfriend in every sense of the word. They already lived long-distance, but she needed to cut him off in every other sense.
Not only was it obvious that he wanted someone else and was with the OP to "make up for it," but his "promises" of not leaving her alone if she ever broke up with him were love-bombing and stalker-like, at best.