Seamstress Won't Let Recovering Alcoholic Sister Work For Her After Parents Make Outrageous Demands

Content Warning: Alcoholism, Sobriety

When a person struggles with addiction and gets sober, the next tough step is reacquainting themselves with society and creating a space for success for themselves, including getting and keeping a job.

It can be really hard in the beginning to find an employer who will take a chance on them, let alone exhibit the work ethic and habits they need to keep the job, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.

Redditor tossawayaccount1800 had a successful small sewing business, and when her sister became sober but struggled to find a job, she had no problem offering her sister an employee position so she could get back on her feet.

But when her parents heard about offering the position to her sister, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked that they demanded much more for her sister, rather than being grateful for the opportunity.

She asked the sub:

"AITA for telling my family that my sister couldn't work with me because of them?"

The OP had a successful sewing business.

"I (28 Female) run my own business as a seamstress, selling clothes I've made as well as doing alterations."

"I've been open for two years, and I do a steady business, and my primary income from my business is in the alterations I do."

The OP's sister, Lana, was sober and working to get back on her feet.

"I have a sister, Lana (29 Female). Lana is currently a recovering alcoholic, and I'm trying my best to support her."

"Due to DUIs, she has been struggling to find a job, and her mental health isn't helping her keep any job she finds."

"I feel really bad for her, and while we were visiting my parents on Monday, I made the offer that she could work for me. When I made the offer, I said that she could help with inventory and at the register like a normal employee."

"She seemed pretty on board but said she would have to think about it, since she didn't want to leech off me, which I appreciated."

"Our parents were also really on board and encouraging and thought this would be a great opportunity for both of us."

The OP was surprised when her parents called with a list of demands for the job.

"Wednesday, my mom called me and asked if the building would now be in both Lana and my name."

"I asked her what she meant, and she said since Lana would be co-owner, her name should be on the lease."

"I told her it wouldn't, because she wouldn't be a co-owner. I made it clear to my mother that Lana would be like any other employee. The reason I wanted her to work with me is so if she relapses, she wouldn't risk losing her job again since I know what she's going through."

"Mom beat around the bush, trying to convince me to make Lana co-owner, and I repeatedly told her no, not only for Lana's sake but also the sake of my business."

"I don't think Lana would be a bad co-owner, but at this time, she's still fairly unstable, and I don't want her to get stressed and fully break her sobriety."

"I made this clear to my mother in our phone call before she eventually gave up."

In the meantime, Lana was grateful to be hired.

"I thought that was the end of it, and a few hours later, Lana called to ask if I were to hire her, what she would be doing. I told her the same thing I said at dinner, that she would mostly be doing inventory, register, etc."

"She asked if she would help with any of the clothes, and I told her that when she learned to sew, I would consider it."

"She accepted and seemed excited with the arrangement since both of us have always loved fashion, and we agreed I would host an interview with her at the end of next week on my day off."

Despite Lana's gratitude, the OP's parents continued to push the issue.

"My dad called me yesterday, scolding me about the position I was putting Lana in, and was telling me a meaner version of what my mother was saying, and continuously trying to hound me to give Lana a higher position."

"I was getting really frustrated, and I told him that if he and my mom wouldn't stop pushing, I just wouldn't hire Lana at all."

"My dad called me a terrible sister before hanging up."

The OP was no longer sure about hiring her sister.

"I called Lana and told her what happened, and my words about not hiring her."

"She got upset with me, and I apologized and told her I still wanted her to work with me; I just didn't want the drama with mom and dad."

"She understood but is still upset with me that I would even say that in the heat of the moment."

"AITA?"

Fellow Redditors weighed in:

• NTA: Not the A**hole
• YTA: You're the A**hole
• ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
• NAH: No A**holes Here

Some were shocked that this was how the OP's parents were handling themselves. 

"NTA. Ask your dad if he would give away half his business to a drunk sibling who has no experience. Because that is what your mother is demanding." - Lucky-Effective-1564

"Ask your parents why they haven't added her to the deed. She lives there, so she must be a co-owner of the house by default." - pugmcmuffins

"They want to dump her on you. That is absolutely the plan. Next step, she is moving into OP's home. NTA." - slendermanismydad

"If this is how your parents are supporting Lana in her recovery, I can see why she may be a bit unstable on top of her recovery efforts. Unlike them, continue to be realistic with love, supportive of her, and ignore them."

"DON'T ENGAGE! Congrats on your business! NTA." - Proper-District8608

"Ask your parents why they don't want Lana to work for you, next time they bring it up. Point out to them that you love Lana, you want to support her, you were happy to give her a job and train her how to sew, and you commit to not firing her if she has a relapse, all of that, so why on earth are your parents trying to lose Lana the job in advance? What is it about the job that makes them prefer Lana to stay home with them, unemployed?"

"Keep pushing that! Your parents are causing drama. Your parents are trying to lose Lana the job you're prepared to offer, in advance! Why don't they want Lana to work with you? Don't they trust you? Why are they pushing so hard for Lana not to get any job with you?"

"But stick to telling that to your parents, not to Lana!" - Enough-Process9773

Others were similarly shocked that the parents wanted the OP to potentially compromise her business.

"It's a sewing business, and she doesn't sew!! It takes a long time to get good enough at sewing to do what you do. Do NOT give her half your business. Ever. You are kind to be willing to employ her. That is enough." - EconomyVoice7358

"It's not outside the realm of possibility to have someone run the 'business side' of a company, while another runs the 'creative side' of a business. However, that would mean the sister would need a business or finance degree, typically."

"Successful artists often have spouses who deal with the minutiae of sales and marketing, or at least agents, as do authors. It's not impossible, but often people in more creative or artistic fields will admit to lacking hard business skills; their talents lie elsewhere, which is okay as many business folks are incapable of creating art or literature."

"The fact that OP has grown her own business and embraced both sides, artistic and practical, says much about her." - 2dogslife

"Ten to one, your parents are after the money a 'co-owner' would be making, via charging your sister rent, while in practice they're expecting you to handle all the owner duties and put your sister in the low-stress role you told her. All the benefits, none of the work." - Toriyoki

"I, like a lot of other commenters, agree that too much stress would not be helpful for Lana right now. What you propose sounds appropriate and safe."

"I think the reason she is so upset with your statement, though, is that she had been looking at this job as, essentially, perfect. Not too much stress, and under someone who cares for her and her sobriety; a safe place."

"I can only imagine the relief she felt, assured of employment and the stability that would bring. To find out that not only was this not the rock she thought it was, but that something she didn't even do could cause her to lose it, she must feel so powerless."

"A situation she saw as stable has turned out to be very precarious. It would take a lot to make me think I could trust in it, and in the parties involved. But that's just me. Maybe your sister is more robust and self-assured than I am." - supergamernerd

"NTA. You sound like a wonderful sister. I think your decision to offer her a low-stress position was well thought out and very kind and generous."

"I don't understand why your parents are pushing for you to dump so much responsibility onto her when even she seems to understand that it wouldn't benefit her and might actually harm her recovery."

"Do they often have extremely high expectations of you both? I hope they come around because it sounds like this would be a great opportunity for you both." - Not_Cardiologist9084

After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.

"So, before I get into the update, I would like to clear some questions that were raised in the comments. I tried my best to answer them all but I got a lot."

"First, Lana is not a felon. In our state, her DUIs are considered misdemeanors due to the BAC level she had, plus the fact that her only crime while driving under the influence was going below the speed limit."

"Second, my parents' behavior was very out of the blue; they're usually very supportive and rational, but I think that the stress of Lana is making them act irrationally. As one commenter put it, they see her working for me as a 'magic bullet to fix everything,' and when I tried to set the boundary of her being an employee rather than a co-owner, they thought I was not going to give her a good job at all."

"Third, my business is very small, I run it all by myself, and like I said in my first post, most of my money comes from alterations rather than my own designs."

"Fourth, what I said about Lana not getting the job was heat-of-the-moment frustration when talking to my dad. He was yelling at me over the phone and was being incredibly pushy, and it felt like I was talking to a brick wall. I still have full intentions to hire Lana, and the interview for this coming Friday is still on. I just said it to try and get dad off my back, and I apologized to Lana about even saying it to begin with, since it wasn't fair to her."

"Fifth, some people were implying Lana's drinking had to do with our parents; it does not. Up until this point, we've never had any major rifts with our family, and we've always been incredibly tight-knit. The reason for her drinking was because of something outside of us."

The OP had an incredibly helpful conversation with her family.

"Now, here's the update."

"Lana called me after dinner last night, and we talked. She spoke with our parents and told me that my suspicions of a lot of this being a stress-filled misunderstanding were correct, and she invited me over this morning for breakfast with them all. I got back literally minutes ago as I'm writing this."

"It was pretty awkward at first. Our parents were still on this high horse about Lana getting a good position; however, we were able to talk it out. Lana explained how she doesn't feel ready for such a position while she's still recovering and how it would make her feel like she's leeching off me."

"She also pointed out that their pushiness was impacting her and my relationship and stressing her out more, since she felt like she had to pick a side. She appreciated their concern; however, as she pointed out, that concern was coming at a detriment to all of us."

"I told them how I felt like they didn't respect my business and how hurtful their words and actions were, especially my dad yelling at me as raised voices have always been something I'm sensitive about."

"I explained my perspective of how I didn't want to stress out Lana with a position she really isn't ready for, nor does she have the experience for, and it felt like I was getting punished for trying to help her out"

"I brought up what another commenter said about how it was like expecting me to put her on the lease of my apartment that she doesn't even live in."

"My parents really took some time to think over what Lana and I were saying while they made breakfast, and when we sat down to eat they apologized to us and explained that they were terrified of Lana having another relapse."

"Apparently, before we were born, my mom's cousin suffered from addiction and mental health issues, which eventually led to her losing her life, and they were terrified that the same might happen to Lana, which was why they were pushing for a more 'permanent' position."

"It was a hard talk, but those were the important bits. It ended with some tears from my mom and so, so, SO many apologies."

The OP and the family made a plan for what to do next.

"We've all agreed it would be good to look into family therapy. Lana is already seeing an addiction psychologist and plans to consult them about good family support groups and therapists at her next session."

"My parents keep occasionally texting me, asking if I need help with anything and if I'm okay, which is their way of apologizing even more."

"The interview between Lana and me is still on, and I've already set some boundaries with her about what it means working under me to ensure she has structure without enabling her, and when we get the therapist, I'll also be speaking with them for more tips."

"I'm a bit surprised things resolved this fast, but not really. My family and lingering tension are like oil and water; none of us can ever go to bed upset. I think things are going to be weird for a while, but in the end, I think it'll be alright."

"I'm excited to work with Lana, and I am nervous but eager to start family therapy, since I think it will be good for all of us. Thank you all for your kind comments and support."

Fellow Redditors were hopeful for the OP and Lana's future.

"This is a great update! Thanks for posting it. Best wishes to Lana, if you can pass this on from a stranger on the internet, and great respect to you." - Enough-Process9773

"Still can't believe that your parents wanted Lana, who can't even SEW, to be co-owner of your tailoring and design business."

"I watch Bernadette Banner videos. Sewing is a skill." - Dana07620

"As someone who comes from a family with generations of addiction… not many people understand that addiction not only destroys the person, but those around them, and how much they suffer for it. I feel for both you and your parents, and Lana."

"I genuinely hope for recovery for her and healing for your family. Best of luck." - croatianlatina

"If your sister were seeking a partnership with you, she would have to buy into it. The business would be audited by an outside company, and sister would pay you 50 percent of its value. Then you'd be in a partnership."

"Please don't give over half of your company just because she is your sister. Not now or later. If you do a deep dive into family-owned businesses, you would see that they are not as good as they seem. Best of luck in the future." - MentalCycle3111

"It sounds like you'll all be okay in the long run as long as you continue to communicate. This shows very clearly how addiction affects more than just the user, and I think it's great that you're all looking into getting some help to deal with this."

"I hope you're all able to find some healing and that your relationships are made stronger through this. Good luck to all of you." - Not_Cardiologist9084

After the OP's update, it seemed that the family would be able to recover and take the next step.

The OP was already going above and beyond by offering a position to her sister, who didn't have the qualifications, whether or not she eventually relapsed. She didn't need to further compromise and hand over half of her business, too.