Being a stay at home mom is a full-time- job, and then some.
Yet stay-at-home mom’s remain terribly undervalued.
Such was the situation a young redditor and stay-at-home mom (stahm) found herself in, when her husband declared she was slacking in her duties.
This led the Original Poster (OP) to the subReddit “Am I the A**hole (AITA), where she asked fellow redditors:
“AITA for refusing to get up at 5 to make my husband breakfast as part of my stahm routine?”
The OP shared how after getting a new job and becoming the sole breadwinner of their household, her husband’s expectations of her duties began to change.
“My (Female (F), 31) husband (Male (M), 34)recently found a job.
“And officially became the ‘breadwinner’ and me the ‘stahm’.”
“In the past few days he has been complaining about getting up in the morning and not getting breakfast.”
“He said that I should be getting up before him at 5 am to make him breakfast as part of my stahm routine.”
“I asked why he can’t do it himself since he used to everything and he had two points.”
“1. He is no longer unemployed he is the breadwinner now his job is to provide for the family.”
“And 2. He says he barely gets ready and finds no time to make himself breakfast.”
Surprised to hear this from her husband, the OP expressed how she already found herself worn pretty thin, hoping for some sympathy from her husband.
“I pointed out that I can not be expected to wake up at 5 after staying up at night with the baby and reminded him of what I do during the day since that is a job and a difficult one at that.”
“He argued that he still thought it was unfair that he has to make breakfast before going to work and I should do it as part of my ‘job’.”
“I at this point said he was taking advantage of me since he is still an abled body and can do it if he saves time he uses to read the news on his phone or the time spent in the shower.”
“He made a face and called me unbelievable for claiming he was taking advantage of me when he is the one bringing in the money then shrugged and said he’ll just cancel breakfast then but his job is very stressful and that might affect his health.”
“He keeps suggesting it but I keep refusing.”
“He claimed I was being unfair and unsupportive of him taking on a new job and I was not respecting my part of the deal.”
The OP subsequently added an update, informing fellow redditors when she and her husband were both unemployed, she often did make breakfast for the both of them and her husband has a very specific opinion of what he considers breakfast.
“Edit: first I’m usually the one who handled making breakfast in the past when we both used to wake up at 9.”
“He does not like any pre made foods and likes breakfast to be fresh which consists of ham, pancakes etc as well as freshly made fruit juice.”
“Basically a full breakfast I used to make when we were both unemployed.”
Fellow redditors weighed in on where the OP fell in this particular situation.
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Fellow redditors unanimously agreed the OP was not the a**hole in this situation.
Fellow redditors had little to nothing nice to say about the OP’s husband, with a few claiming not only was he taking advantage of her, but was also manipulating her.
“NTA, at all. also recognize his ‘Well if you don’t make me breakfast, I’ll skip it and that might make me sick’ is a manipulation tactic which is super unhealthy.”
“He wants you to serve him despite staying home to take care of and raise the kid(s) while, I’m assuming, also taking care of the cleaning and cooking, general house maintenance.”
“Your husband is TAH and I would be weary of any other red flags he displays” – cerevian
“Are there other warning signs he wants to be King of the Castle and you’re now his serf?”- EntirelyOutOfOptions
“NTA, he is completely capable of making his own breakfast.”
“Outside of his work hours jobs at home should be 50/50.”
“You should not be 100% go all the time, and his whining and blaming you for if his health declines is emotionally manipulative.” – CupofCursedTea
“Not in the slightest. His entitlement and lack of respect for you is off the charts. I hope you have an exist plan. This behavior doesn’t get better.
He is absolutely taking advantage of you. Be careful because it’s just a matter of time before he cuts you off from ‘his” money. – emccm
Every comment was filled with concern related to the power the OP’s husband seems to yield over her, with a few redditors concerned the OP wasn’t a stay-at-home mother by choice and was pressured into doing so by her husband.
“Was being a SAHM his idea, or was it mutual? “
“I wonder since he threw in your face that ‘he makes the money’. “
“Getting up at 5 after being up much of the night with the little baby so that the big baby can have his breakfast? Nope.”
“If he has time to scroll in the morning, he has time to throw something in the microwave.”
“The whole threat of it affecting his health is just emotional blackmail.”
“I’d be rethinking the SAHM if I was in this situation.” – duchessofcheezit
Many redditors were quick to point out to the OP while she might be a stay-at-home mom, she is not her husband’s mother, in spite of how her husband was behaving.
“That’s so gross.”
“Being a SAHM is already a job in and of itself.”
“That job is taking care of the baby. Not your husband.”
“You are his wife, not his maid or his mother.” – ShmamBo88
There was also a consensus the OP’s husband did not appreciate the amount of work she put into running their household and raising their child, and he didn’t seem to help her in any way.
“NTA you are a stay at home parent, meaning you manage the household and care for the children.”
“Your husband is an adult and therefore doesn’t require the care of a child. If he wants a personal chef, he should hire one.”
“That is not your job. Waiting on him, this not your damn job.”
“Is he planning to get up all hours of the night to bring you water while you’re nursing?”
“It’s not like you can just get up and get it yourself without the baby fussing.”
“Oh wait, that’s not his job hmmm?”
“The work you do is just as valid as the work he does. It is just as demanding.”
“And you are contributing to the household (housekeeping, nannying, lawn services, these are multiple full time positions you’d otherwise be paying).”
“Serving your spouse, is not one of those jobs.”
“Perhaps he should question why he feels so entitled to your time and efforts.”kewfj
“Does he think it’s more important he gets served breakfast than it is for you to have energy to care for your child?”
“Should the quality of those formative educational experiences be worse because he can’t fix a bowl of cereal? “
“I think the f*ck not.” – JustheBean
As much as the OP’s husband seems to like to play the “breadwinner” card, being a stay-at-home mom is an even more demanding, full time job.
A job the OP doesn’t get to leave at the end of the day.
Here’s hoping her husband will one day appreciate that, and might even consider making her breakfast before he heads off to work.