Most families will have their little quirks, beliefs, and traditions that make them unique, if different from other families.
But every once in a while, we’ll realize we were raised to believe something was totally normal, only to discover it either wasn’t common or wasn’t normal at all among other families, pointed out the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Suspicious_Wash_5477 grew up knowing about her parents’ attempts to save their marriage before her father ultimately moved out and her stepdad moved in, leading her to harbor harsh feelings toward her stepdad and mom for ruining the family.
But when she found out that their approach to saving the family was not the norm, the Original Poster (OP) found herself on the verge of a spiral, wondering if her family’s past was something she should be concerned about.
She asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting by feeling conflicted now that I’ve realized my parents basically did a real-life ‘wife swap’ (and I thought it was totally normal)?”
It was only when she received a reality check from a friend that she realized her family might not have the most typical past.
“I (27 Female) recently told a childhood story to a friend, fully expecting them to laugh and move on.”
“Instead, they looked at me and said, ‘That’s actually really taboo.'”
“Now I’m spiraling a bit and wondering if I’m overreacting to this reality check, or if I just normalized something most people would find pretty shocking.”
The OP grew up with her family being very close to a neighboring family.
“When I was of early elementary school age, my life felt very normal. I lived with my mom, my dad, and my siblings.”
“We went to an event where there were a bunch of older kids and families to recognize our city. At that event, our family met another family.”
“From that point on, our families became extremely close… fast.”
“We did everything together: pool parties, road trips, vacations, and even traveling out of the country. At one point, we actually took family photos together. Looking back, it’s kind of wild, but at the time, it just felt like having bonus family members.”
“For the next year or two (the timeline is fuzzy; I was young), there genuinely wasn’t a time when we weren’t all together. If someone had seen us, they probably would’ve assumed we were already one big blended family.”
But then, maybe the families became too close.
“Then one day (and I don’t remember exactly how this was explained to us kids), things changed.”
“My dad moved in with the other family’s mom. The other family’s dad moved in with my mom in our house.”
“My siblings and I went back and forth between houses so we could see both parents.”
“Here’s the thing: at the time, the show ‘Wife Swap’ was hugely popular. So little-kid me honestly thought this was just… something adults did sometimes. I didn’t question it. I didn’t think it was weird. I just accepted it as normal.”
“Once the month’s ‘trial period’ was over, our families went back to normal like nothing ever happened. The adults refused to talk about it or acknowledge it to the kids.”
“Then, a short period later, my dad packed his bags and left, and my now-stepdad (the neighbor’s dad) moved in, and then he took charge as a ‘father figure.'”
Now as an adult, the OP has begun to unpack the ramifications of her childhood.
“My mom has been married for over 10 years to the dad from the other family. Growing up in that situation came with confusion, emotions, and a lot of adjusting, but nothing ever felt uncommon; to me, at least.”
“I always had access to both parents, and no one ever spoke badly about the other in front of us, but it was just a very confusing time, where one second, everything was all normal, and the next, my dad was living with another woman, and another man was living in my house. Then again, our family was back to normal, and then the next second, it wasn’t.”
“Still, as an adult, I’ve started reflecting on how unusual this whole situation actually was. I didn’t realize until very recently that most people don’t grow up thinking spouse-swapping households are just part of life.”
“I’ve also noticed how much my upbringing shaped me. I’m now married to someone who is extremely identical in personality, looks, and humor as my stepdad. Someone that I resented growing up, for coming into ‘my’ house, taking over my dad’s role.”
The OP felt conflicted.
“So now I’m wondering, am I overreacting for only now being able to unpack this? And realizing that this is something that could have easily been preventable, that didn’t cause me to resent my step-father growing up?”
“Is it normal to suddenly realize, as an adult, that your childhood wasn’t as typical as you thought, even if it didn’t feel traumatic at the time?”
“Or is this just one of those ‘life is weird, and hindsight is 20/20’ moments?”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Most Redditors decided not to hold the OP’s hand while telling her that she was overreacting.
“There are no normal families. It seems to have worked for both families, so I wouldn’t worry about it. You can’t change the past.”
“I certainly wouldn’t give a flip what other people think. As you get older, concepts like normal and worry about other people’s perceptions mean less and less. Talk to your mom if you need anything clarified.” – Bulky_Durian_3423
“Yes, you are overreacting. Who gives a s**t what other people think?”
“As long as you grew up happy and felt loved, that’s all that matters. It’s certainly better than being in the middle of an acrimonious divorce. Sounds like you got bonus siblings, too. Be happy.” – BeardedBirdWatcher
“I do think you are overreacting. Polyamory has been around for a very long time. I have many friends who have merged and Blended families. It sounds like you were well-loved and supported by multiple parents and siblings.”
“I don’t know why you are digging for trauma, but if there are some things you’re curious about, polyamorous families tend to be more open, so I would just talk with them about it instead of coming to Reddit. I’m sure they’re going to be pretty forthcoming and open to unpacking anything that you might feel about it.” – Otherwise-Mango-4006
“You were happy and had a good childhood. Don’t let other people outside the situation tell you how you are supposed to feel. What you are unpacking right now is being pushed towards social conformity.”
“By the way, people can actually cause trauma in others by forcing social norms on others.”
“Anyway, I had a normal childhood and it sucked. Normal isn’t always better.” – Dull-Geologist-8204
“I respect that this happened with children on both sides, and it sounds like more than amicably! Progressive, and pragmatic, and good on your peeps for making this transition as ‘normal’ as possible.”
“Being married for years, finding friends, friends that might be a better match at the end of the day. Very organic and natural, even if social norms in the USA are awkward around it all.”
“I hope that you and the other daughter are on good standings, as they might be a good one to unpack a bit of this with, but Huzzah all around!” – TerrackShadowson
Some had stories of something similar happening and agreed the OP was overreacting.
“Growing up, I just thought everyone had eight or more grandparents, LOL. It definitely did happen and still happens sometimes. (They were swingers and married each other’s partners.)” – MatterhornStrawberry
“OP, yes, it’s not conventional, but it actually sounds like it was a really gentle process for you kids, and that’s the most important part, in my honest opinion.”
“Being able to see both sets of parents and being welcome in both houses… You might want to talk to your folks now if you’ve any questions that you feel you need answered.”
“To your friend who said it’s ‘taboo,’ it’s really none of their business. I wouldn’t let that comment alone affect you negatively if you were happy.” – ReflectiveRitz
“My mom and dad did the same back in the 60s, although our families weren’t close. It was just a couple of divorces, which were becoming more common.”
“I wasn’t traumatized, although moving, moving, and moving again and again in the midst of the next couple of divorces wasn’t helpful to my education. 25 moves by the time I graduated high school.” – angryshark
“I actually knew a family that did that! They ran a little store in our community and basically ended up swapping and were still very good friends even after the relationships swapped. It was shared at first, but didn’t work out. From what I know, at least.” – Future-Arugula-588
“Same. I’m here if you wanna talk. When I told friends about our family dynamics, they reacted weirdly. That’s how I noticed it’s not normal.”
“When I was around eight, a new family moved in two roads over. The girl went to school with my younger brother and the boy with my youngest brother. I don’t know when I met them, but I was best friends with the girl for a long time. Littlest brother was best friends with her brother.”
“We all got along so well that our families went to outings together like one big family. My parents didn’t like how they were somehow unorganized, so it came unexpectedly. One day, my dad moved out. My stepdad moved in. Dad moved in with friend’s mom. Strange. I was 12.”
“It went good for a while. Dad is now married to my stepmother, but mom and stepdad split up and never got married to other people.” – uhushuhu
But a few gave the OP the benefit of the doubt and pointed out that looking back on our childhoods with a fresh pair of eyes and becoming more introspective isn’t a bad thing.
“I’d say you’re not overreacting. That kind of introspection is perfectly normal and healthy. If anything, it’s weird that you didn’t think about the events of your childhood sooner.” – bentsea
“It sounds like, for a time, your parents practiced consensual non-monogamy of some form. It’s interesting they never talked to you about it as you got older, because teaching some kind of awareness of things your kids see and will later take out into the world is part of preparing for adulthood, but kudos for you for rolling with it.”
“It is something to process, but where you land on it should be totally up to you. It is taboo to many, and carries negative bias usually, but many people, ranging from swingers and wife swappers to solo poly relationship anarchists, find what works well for their lives and loves outside of cultural permission. You do you.” – agreenshade
“I have a relative whose parents did this. I think that it’s completely appropriate to have our brains unpack trauma when we’re ready to face it. This situation has probably given a tremendous capacity for empathy for others.”
“I hope that you have, or will get, a great therapist who will help you to walk through this. Good luck!” – ProfessionalYam3119
“I think you’re valid to be confused by this realization. I would recommend therapy to help process/unpack. At least they found a way for everyone to be happy, though! I grew up with parents who lived together but hated each other, and it was awful.” – Objective-Option-188
After receiving feedback, the OP shared more information that might make some of the subReddit’s comments sound harsh.
“This switch was something that my dad wanted. The wife of the other family was constantly having affairs, and so was my dad. They did this as a ‘last resort to save the marriage’ kind of thing.”
“So they did a month-long ‘trial period’ of switching spouses. Once it was over, everything went back to ‘normal,’ and they pretended like nothing ever happened. Then out of the blue, my dad packed his bags and left, my stepdad (the neighbor) moved in, and I then started resenting my stepdad.”
“My whole childhood was me hating him, and blaming him and my mom, who had custody of me, for my dad leaving.”
“My dad, to this day, is still not married and has a rotation of women coming and going.”
“So to me, something that I thought was completely normal, is actually something that is not common at all and could have totally prevented me from growing up resenting my stepdad if everything was done better.”
“Today, I don’t resent him and thank him a lot for what he’s taught me and all he does for me, but it would have saved me a lot of stress, hatred, and pain growing up.”
This is one of those situations where, looking back at what happened, with more worldly experience and a wider vocabulary, it might feel traumatic to realize what was actually happening during our childhood.
But just because we suddenly have a name for it does not make it inherently traumatic, just surprising or jarring.
That all said, now that the OP knows what happened with her family and why she grew up feeling the way that she did toward her stepdad, she might now have the tools to speak to her parents, adult to adult, to discuss unresolved feelings and possible repercussions.