A woman on Reddit found herself in a sticky situation with a group of friends after her gay brother joined them for drinks and made one friend uncomfortable by flirting with other men at the bar.
Should she have given the others a heads-up that her brother is gay? That was the debate that ensued, so she went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for perspective.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by thick_horror_blood on the site, asked:
“AITA for not telling my friend that my brother is a flirty drunk?”
She explained:
“so last weekend me (22F[emale]) and some friends (23F, 22F, 24M[ale], 23M) went out to a club (safe where we live), I also invited my younger brother (20M) who is gay (important to the story).”
“anyway we danced, chatted and, of course, we drank. And as the title suggests my brother is a flirty drunk, if he finds you even mildly attractive, he will tell you. and he was flirting with a guy at the bar, the guy was flirting back and had actually bought my bro a few drinks.”
“one of my friends (23M) noticed this and asked if my brother was always this forward. I told him that my bro has no filter when he’s drunk and would happily flirt with almost every guy here.”
“my friend gave my brother a weird glance and went back to the others.”
“while we where nursing our hangovers I got a text from my friend. he told me that he felt really uncomfortable around my brother, he didn’t like how openly and sexually he interacted with the guy at the bar and he was worried that my brother would start talking to him like that.”
“he berated me for not warning him and asked me not to invite my brother drinking with them again.”
“at first I didn’t think I did anything wrong. he’s a flirty drunk not a violent drunk and also he never talked to my friend that night.”
“the rest of our friends found out about the conversation and are split. some saying that I should have warned them and others saying that it didn’t matter since my bro didn’t even talk to 23M.”
“with the number of people saying I should have warned them I’m starting to think I’m TA. warning them would have just taken a simple text.”
“AITA?”
OP’s fellow Redditors were then asked to judge who was in the wrong in this situation using the following acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Their verdict was all but unanimous—there’s a word for this situation, and that word is “homophobia.”
“NTA.”
“i don’t understand why your friend is so concerned when your brother didn’t even flirt with him.”
“you should text him back ‘oh, don’t worry. you’re not at all attractive enough for my brother to hit on you.'” —YeetusDeletus-Feetus
“I’m sure he would have had no issue if it was one of their female friends who was a flirty drunk.”
“Also – I have noticed a lot (not all) men are intimidated by gay men who are comfortable with their sexuality because **Gasp** they might flirt with them!”
“What if they’re inappropriate?”
“What if they don’t take no for an answer?”
“What if they spike my drink?”
“Y’know – all the normal stuff us gals need to worry about on a night out.”
“So yeah, NTA – Just tell him to grow up, if he flirts turn him down and I’m sure he’ll move on. It’s not a big deal.” —khalithos
“The friend is concerned that OP’s brother MIGHT flirt with him? OP’s brother didn’t even do anything to this person… I feel like the friend should be excluded from the next outing and replaced by the brother.”
“I also think the friend isn’t comfortable with different sexual orientation based on the fear of being flirted with.” —looostandhurt
“NTA.”
“This friend is homophobic, possibly due to being homosexuality himself and being worried and confused about his own sexuality… But it could just be a toxic trait.”
“If your bro was trying to force himself onto your friend, they’d have a point… But he wasn’t even talking to him. He is offended by him flirting with a random guy.would he be as bothered if it was a woman he was flirting with?”
“You should talk to him, find out exactly why it bothers him. If his only excuse is ‘because he’s gay’, well, I’d chose my gay brother over the homophobe.” —HereandBlank
“This friend is homophobic and it sounds like so are some of OPs other friends.”
“What sort of warning would she have texted? ‘Hey, just a heads up my brother is a flirty drunk,’ would have lead to that friend still being uncomfortable that he’s gay and flirty. Non-homophobic friends don’t need a warning that your brother is gay.” —lopingwolf
“NTA.”
“Why is it any of his business how open your brother is about flirting with the guy at the bar? Did he flirt with your friend? Did you friend want to flirt with your brother? If not, it’s not his business.”
“WARN THEM??? About WHAT? The fact your brother is an adult who likes to flirt with other adults when he drinks? Is it only an issue because he’s gay? IF so, find better friends.” —Ok_Yellow8056
“NTA. Why is it that people think being gay means he will automatically flirt with any and every guy?”
“Aren’t gay guys allowed to have a type too?” –Caribe92
“NTA. Sounds like this ‘friend’is at least slightly homophobic or just jealous your brother didn’t flirt with him. Either way, you didn’t do anything wrong. Ditch the friends who agree with this guy cause that’s such a weird thing to need explained to you prior to going out.”
“No one gets to judge anyone else’s sexual preferences or how they interact with others, as long as they’re being safe and not forcing it on him.” —Dahlialuxxx
“NTA. Your friend is a homophobic a**hat.”
“As a woman I find straight men’s fear of gay men hitting on them to be both infuriating and perplexing. How do they not realize the thing they are afraid of is the thing they do to women ALL THE TIME?”
“So what if someone hits on you at a bar? If you’re not interested say so. It only becomes a problem if they persists or don’t accept the no. Are you afraid of other people thinking that you’re gay, or are you afraid of being treated like a woman, or both?” —photosbeersandteach
Long story short, it’s other people’s responsibility to manage their own homophobia, not anyone else’s.