What would you do if you found out a fixture in your parent’s clothing or accessories was something a bit more risque than you’d bargained for?
Because that’s exactly the situation Reddit user queeniekittysnake found herself in. Perplexed, upset and a little stressed out, she thinks she may have reacted poorly.
She went to the popular subReddit “Am I The A**hole?” or “AITA” to suss out if she was at fault for this interaction.
“AITA for kinkshaming my mom?”
Our original poster, or OP, cut right to the chase.
“I’m not gonna pull the ‘it’s not what it sounds like’ card. This is exactly what it says on the tin.”
“I personally think I was justified in doing so, but I’m willing to hear people out if I wasn’t.”
She set the scene, where she discovered a “pretty necklace” wasn’t a necklace at all.
“My mom (55 f[emale]) has this pretty necklace that she wears all the time. I (20 f) would always admire it when I was a kid.”
“Nobody else has a necklace like it. It’s metal, and wraps around her neck like a ring.”
“She never took it off, and always told me that it was a gift from my dad whenever I asked about it.”
OP learned more information about this necklace against her will.
“Last week, she sat me down to tell me something. She told me that she’s in a 24/7 BDSM relationship with my dad.”
“The necklace is not actually a necklace, but a f’king collar that he has the key to.”
Understandably this was a lot of information for OP to handle.
“I couldn’t handle it. This necklace that I always loved as a kid is actually for her kink that she was shoving in my face for my entire life.”
“Now I’m rethinking all of her behaviors, and all of the ways that she got me involved in her goddamn kink.”
Now she is confused about whether or not she did something wrong after reacting in the moment.
“I told her that she was disgusting and stormed out.”
“Now she’s blowing up my phone accusing me of being a prude and a kinkshamer. My dad’s getting in on it too and swearing that this sh*t is healthy.”
“I just don’t know what to do. Currently I can’t even think of forgiving her for telling me this.”
“So Reddit, AITA?”
Redditors adjudicated where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors, like OP, were very confused about why OP’s mom HAD to tell her this.
“NTA, but god I hope this is fake. Why anyone would tell their kid about their kink lifestyle is beyond me.”
“It might be the healthiest and most consensual relationship in the world but as their kid you have every right to just not want to be involved in any of that.”~Whatever4693
“NTA. For everyone saying that OP is the a**hole, please confirm that you would love to have an in-depth discussion about a close relative’s sex life with no warning.”
“This isn’t targeting kinky couples, either.”
“If a vanilla couple told their daughter about what great missionary they had last night and what their favourite brand of lube is, I’d think that was creepy and inappropriate too.”
“Leave relatives out of your sex life.”~stillhavehope99
“NTA part of BDSM is making 100% sure that everyone exposed to the kink is consenting.”
“Even if they didn’t do anything sexual in front of you, they knew they were practicing BDSM in front of their child and that sits…wrong.”
“Maybe you reacted strongly, but I can’t imagine any other way a sane person would react to that news.”
“Your mom had no reason to tell you about this, and in doing so she changed the lens you see your entire childhood through. It makes sense for you to be repulsed.”~cherryflavoredaliens
“NTA. People in this thread are DELUSIONAL. Kink should be private.”
“Number one rule of healthy sex is that you do not involve non-consenting parties, and she’s done exactly that by pulling this asinine 24/7 collar kink lifestyle in public and around her child.”
“If someone wants to live like that in a private setting with other consenting adults whatever, but you NEVER should have been exposed to any of this.”
“I am so sorry you had to go through this. I know unexpected sexual tainting of something like a childhood memory of family can be devastating.”
“This website is loaded with immature horny teenagers and people who don’t know how to act in functioning society. I hope you can move past this and your parents can get it through their heads how utterly f**ked this was.”~EthanEpiale
OP additionally came out with even more details, after this initial reaction.
“While she never did anything directly sexual around me, I’ve learned that kink isn’t ‘inherently sexual’ to a lot of BDSM people.”
“So things like her opening the door for my dad and giving him a back massage is actually just their kink. She calls him ‘sir’.”
“Also I am asexual and sex repulsed, she knows this.”
“I literally just complimented her necklace and told her how much it meant to me. That’s partially why I was so heartbroken to hear about its origin.”
“I apologize for being so angry in the comments but this has admittedly been traumatizing for me. A lot about my childhood is coming to light.”
And then even more details came out.
“Things are coming to light that I’ve never thought about before. Repressed memories that I didn’t want to think about.”
“They would never control their volume. I thought they were fighting. My dad called my mom dirty and awful names.”
“She would kneel down and shine his shoes every day, kissing his feet. I thought this was normal.”
“When my parents weren’t having sex, they were fighting. Or were they still having sex? I can’t even tell anymore.”
“My dad told me that he had needs, and my mom needed to meet them. The thought of being controlled by something so violent made me want to puke.”
“I think that’s what made me sex repulsed.”
Redditors suggested the OP seek therapy.
“I think you should seriously look into therapy. Your repulsion to sex is probably linked to what you have seen and the experiences you have witnessed your whole childhood.”
“Children learn about intimate (not necessarily sexual) relationships by what is modeled to them by their primary caregivers.”
“Being around a relationship that involved frequent yelling and putting down but then your mom being subservient would mess with how you view sex and intimacy.”
“I think your reaction was extreme but I don’t think you are the a**hole because it was probably the moment that you started to put the pieces of the puzzle together.”
“What your parents raised you with is messed up and you should be getting some support to start working through your experiences. NTA.”~jay313131
“There’s no problem with being sex-repulsed. It may be an innocuous day to day thing for some people, but the idea of consent exists even outside of sex.”
“If you don’t consent to hearing about sex, regardless of whether you’re sex-repulsed or not, your mom shouldn’t have talked about something that was soooo sexual.”
“And your parents definitely shouldn’t have continued to call and text you wanting to talk about the very thing you hate.”
“This is just your parents oversharing, not respecting your boundaries, and then being hurt and angry when you responded the way anyone in your position would respond.”
“I am going to repeat what a lot of people have said here and advise you to start looking into therapy.”
“You wouldn’t necessarily have to discuss sex in therapy since that may be triggering for you, I think it would just help move past some of this childhood trauma you’re dealing with now.”
“NTA and I hope things get better!”~SophieSchrodie
“NTA, and a lot of people here ought to read the edit.”
“Your parents have a very unhealthy approach to their lifestyle and included you, a non-consenting third party and their child, in their sex life and relationship.”
“They ought to have put that aside whenever you were around; in no way is it a ‘healthy BDSM relationship’ when you shine your husband’s shoes while calling him sir in front of your daughter, or when you’re screaming loud enough insults at your sub that your kid can hear.”
“No surprise OP is sex repulsed – her role models showed her that women are to be insulted and submitted her entire life.”
“OP kink shamed them because they deserve to be shamed.”~LongLiveTheBBS
A healthy BDSM relationship involves consent. That includes the consent of outside parties who are witnesses to that relationship.
If others don’t provide consent, people should probably keep their sexual kinks to themselves.