The purpose of a vacation is to escape.
To escape from work, or your usual humdrum life and relax, be it in a tropical setting or skiing up in the mountains.
Of course, for many people vacations are almost synonymous with drinking, and behaving a bit more recklessly than they would at home.
But that was going to be off the table for Redditor Randomname69696969, after their wife enforced a rule.
Feeling that this rule was somewhat unjustified, the original poster (OP) then decided to make a significant change to the itinerary of their vacation, feeling he had the right to do so as he was the one footing the bill.
Wondering if he was being unfair, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for no longer wanting to pay for a trip abroad if my pregnant wife won’t allow me to consume any alcohol on said trip.”
The OP shared how after his wife forbade him to drink alcohol on their upcoming vacation, he decided to make a change to their plans.
“My wife and I both normally would smoke weed pretty often.”
“My wife would smoke more than me mainly due to the fact I work more hours and she works a grocery store where she can happily go to work high whereas I work in a job that I’d struggle to perform high.”
“We both would rarely drink maybe once or twice a month.”
“Since my wife got pregnant I knew the weed thing would be big for her so I was more than happy to give up smoking.”
“She since then also expected me to give up drinking, literally all drinking I’m not even allowed to have 1 beer if we go for a meal.”
“My job in my opinion is more stressful but also pays more so I pay the majority of our bills.”
“After taking care of 90% of our bills I’ve managed to save up and would like to take us on a holiday abroad to recharge after working my ass off without a holiday for the last few years.”
“But not being able to enjoy a few drinks whilst on holiday I feel kills the relaxation and when it takes over a year to save up for this type of trip I’d like to be able to enjoy it to the fullest.”
“My wife has decided she will not budge and if she cant drink neither can I, so I’ve decided that I won’t be paying for the trip and we can just do something cheaper / closer to home.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for pulling the plug on their vacation when their wife said they couldn’t drink.
Most agreed that it was unfair for the OP’s wife to tell him he couldn’t drink only because she couldn’t, and his solution was the perfect quid pro quo.
“I’m pregnant right now and I’d never ‘punish my husband because I can’t to x,y, z while pregnant.”
“That very selfish and entitled.”- stewiecatballlacat
“I’ll be unpopular, but NTA.”
“I’m a recovering alcoholic, and nothing gets under my skin much more than people who are alcohol-free DEMANDING that other people can’t drink either.”
“There is no reason why normal people with a healthy relationship to alcohol can’t enjoy the occasional adult beverage at the proper place and time.”
“It’s the personal responsibility of the non-drinker to manage their response.”
“I don’t know you or your wife’s relationship with alcohol, but the occasional beer or glass of wine with dinner is entirely reasonable for a normal person.”
“Your wife sounds like she is unwilling to deal, and that’s not on you.”
“Telling you that you have to stay stone-cold sober on vacation because SHE can’t drink is like telling someone they can’t have dessert because THEY are on a diet.”
“It’s balderdash.”- MbMinx
Others, however, felt that the OP only exacerbated things by canceling the trip, and felt that it would be better for he and his wife to find common ground and make compromises, rather than each put ultimatums on one another.
“Look, I understand why you’re frustrated that she’s asked you to not drink when you think you should.”
“But canceling the trip won’t solve your problem.”
“It’s a bandaid move for your real problem.”
“Go talk to her!”
“Validate her feelings and express yours.”
“See if there’s a compromise you can make.”- Leaving-Eden
“Married 43+ years here.”
“It blows my mind what people will find to fight about.”- Spiritual-Fox-2141
“Which month she will be while on vacation?”
“Could there be another reason she doesn’t want you to be intoxicated, e.g. if something is with the fetus?”
“Also, as others said.”
“You really need to turn down you ‘this is my money card’. “
“You are in a marriage now, your money is her money and the other way around.”-randomaccount2357913
“It’s your call, but honestly I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not drink when your partner can’t.”
“If you ‘need’ a drink to relax and to enjoy yourself, there’s an issue.”
“This mindset isn’t going to help you in the long term.”
‘It can’t be a competition.”
“You’re about to be a parent.”- happybanana134
“You haven’t had a holiday for years, and you’re about to have a baby.”
“Take the holiday.”
‘Everything changes when the baby comes.”
“It won’t be the same after this.”
“I get that you’ve worked really hard.”
“You sound like a great provider.”
“But she’s growing a person, your child, and still working!”
‘There’s a lot of sacrifice in that.”
“It takes a huge toll on her body, mind, and spirit in ways neither of you could have imagined.”
“You say ‘not being able to enjoy a few drinks whilst on a holiday I feel kills the relaxation’.”
“She probably feels the same way! “
“But she’s sacrificing it out of love for the baby.”
“Maybe show a little compassion.”
“I get that you can’t grow the baby yourself.”
“But this is a way you can show her you understand a bit of what she’s sacrificing for your future family.”
“Instead of canceling the trip because of a few drinks.”
“You’ll look back and wish you had just gone.”- SingleAlfredoFemale
“Currently pregnant here!”
“I haven’t seen anyone else with this opinion but truly everyone sucks in this situation (ESH).”
“Your wife sucks for being this restrictive.”
“Weed is understandable, as the smoke will affect her and the baby too.”
“But giving a zero tolerance requirement is unnecessary and over the top.”
“I’d hope you wouldn’t be drinking every night, but an occasional drink, especially on vacation, should be fine.”
“You suck for assuming all the value of the vacation is gone if you don’t get to drink.”
“She doesn’t get to drink either, does that make the vacation worthless for her?”
“And why is withholding money your go to punishment if she’s asking for something unreasonable?”
“You should talk to her and understand why she feels so strongly that you shouldn’t drink even a sip.”
“You should explain to her why you would like to be able to have a drink but at the same time assure her you won’t be getting wasted, being sober and taking care of a drunk SO isn’t any fun.”
“Being pregnant is really difficult.”
“Your body is changing, you feel like shit all the time, and you can’t enjoy any of the things you used to.”
“Have some compassion and don’t rip away the nice thing you’re supposed to do together as a couple before becoming parents.”- bluechickenpower
While others felt that the OP was very much the a**hole for canceling the vacation, feeling that it was much worse than his wife asking him not to drink while she was pregnant.
“I have gone back and forth, and I realize it isn’t popular, but I am going to go with YTA.”
“I originally thought ES.H, but honestly?”
“She isn’t asking for anything that you aren’t expecting from her, and you are using your financial leverage to try to force her to accept you doing whatever you want.”
“I believe her request to be pretty reasonable, she doesn’t want to have to watch you drinking, or likely deal with drunkenness when she is fully pregnant and can’t partake.”
“If not drinking would undermine the good time that much, surely you can see why she might not want to have to deal with it alone?”
“Solidarity seems like a reasonable request when she is literally putting her body through hell to carry a child for both of you.”
“Even if her request were unreasonable, though, it is super f*cked up to control your spouse with money, especially on purpose.”
“You have a little section of your post saying how you bring in almost all the money, and I am wondering why that’s relevant.”
“Tbh, all it does for me is indicate that you likely use that discrepancy to get your way in other instances too.”
“At the end of the day, I really just wonder why it would be impossible to relax without alcohol, or why you having things your way is more important than supporting your wife as she grows your child inside her.”
“If you don’t have issues with alcohol, which you state multiple times in the posts and comments, then it sounds like you just want to win.”
“You know who wins relationships where people win?”
“Everybody loses and ends up sad and lonely.”- Sextsandcandy
One can understand why the OP wouldn’t feel terribly inclined to pay for a vacation that he knew he wouldn’t enjoy.
But dictating what each other can and cannot do will grow more and more problematic if the OP and his wife keep doing so with every passing year.
Here’s hoping they discover this and find common ground, particularly before their child is born.