As a romantic relationship grows more serious, couples begin to trust one another with more and more things.
This possibly leads to introducing them to close or extended family, or offering a key to each other’s homes, before possibly moving in.
But there are some things people tend to like to keep private until they’ve tied the knot, or possibly forever.
Redditor Dices1433 was somewhat alarmed by a request her boyfriend of under a year made of her, and was even more surprised by his reaction when she declined.
Worried that she was in the wrong for her decision, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to let my boyfriend have my bank account info to make a purchase?”
The OP first explained that things seemed to be going fairly well with her boyfriend, even though there was one element which left her somewhat confused.
I, 31 F[emale], have been with my boyfriend, 37 M[ale] for 8 months.”
‘He has 3 kids and is a single dad.”
“We’re on pretty good terms regarding almost everything.”
“When it comes to money and spending, we’d take turns to invite each other out weekly.”
“We don’t live together obviously.”
“Several times he had me pay for his kids purchases.”
“I didn’t make a big issue out of it for the sole reason that those purchases were relatively small, all I had to pay was $30-60.”
However, a subsequent request by the OP’s boyfriend seemed to raise a red flag, as did his reaction.
“The other day, he called me while I was at work and sounded like he was in a hurry.’
“He said he just found the gaming device he’s been looking for for so long and wanted to buy it for his oldest son.”
“I asked what’s this have to do with me, and he told me he was short on money and needed $300.”
‘He asked me to lend him the $300 and I hesitated but agreed.”
“He asked for my bank account info so he could pull the money but I refused and told him to wait for me til I get there.”
“He insisted and said he’d handle it, all I had to do was just send him my bank account info after I end the call with him.’
“His insistence made me uncomfortable so I still said no and told him to either wait or I won’t pay.”
“He got mad at me saying he didn’t get why I was acting like this.”
“He got so loud I had to hung up.”
“I found him sitting outside after I went home.”
“He was waiting for me and was extremely upset.”
“He asked why I didn’t just send him the account info so he could pull the money we agreed on.’
“I told him I don’t feel comfortable letting anyone have my personal info especially when it comes to finances.”
“He got offended and said ‘I’M NOT JUST ANYONE, I’M YOUR F’ING PARTNER!!’, then went on a rant about how he ended up not paying the gaming device after looking for it for so long and now his kid is mad at him and it’s my fault.’
“We had a fight then he left and told me I’d better have an apology for him AND his son next time I call his phone.”
“I haven’t call yet but I feel like I acted stupidly and irrationally.”
“I think I should’ve just given him the info he asked for?”
“I don’t know if I made the right decision.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was in no way the a**hole for declining to give her boyfriend her bank account information.
Everyone agreed that the behavior of the OP’s boyfriend was suspicious, to say the least, with several urging the OP to end this relationship.
“NTA.”
‘Take the opening he’s given you here and NEVER talk to him again.”
“You’re not his money tree.”
‘He doesn’t get to demand access to YOUR bank account.”- MamaFen
“NTA.”
“You haven’t combined finances.”
“You don’t live together.”
“And frankly, if he does not have the money saved then he should not buy the item.”- PurpuraLiber
“NTA.”
“Tell him to pound sand.”
“And hide your checkbook because all of the necessary information is on your checks.”-C_Majuscula
“NTA.”
“He was definitely gonna take more than 300 bucks.”- DogsReadingBooks
“NTA.”
“Run.”
“Now.”
“Do not stay with him.”- PersehommatKiinostaa
“NTA and he’s using you for $$$.”
“The fact that he thinks you’re at fault for him not being able to buy a gaming system for his son is ludicrous.”
“You don’t owe him or his son *anything*”
“Not money and not an apology.”
“Please protect yourself and seriously reconsider this relationship.”- GoblinGeorge
“NTA.”
“You’ve only been with him for 8 months, better to run off early before he takes off with all your money.”- WhiteJadedButterfly
“NTA.”
“Now he’s bringing his child into this to guilt you?”
“And he has three of them?”
“My kids need food!”
“My kids need new shoes!”
“Look you made my kid cry.”
“EMPHASIS HIS KIDS, not yours.”
“Anything you choose to do for him or them is gratuitous and because YOU WANT TO it is not an entitlement.”
“RUN.”
“Use the $300 yourself.”- stilljenni
“NTA.”
“That has red flag written all over it.”
“The request to pay for his kids.”
“The demand for money.”
“The demand for your account info.”
“The anger when told no.”
“The demand for an apology.”
“The waiting outside your house.”
“The gaslighting.”
“Only 8 months into the relationship to ask for money.”
“With Zelle, Venmo, etc. there is no need to give anyone your account info.”
“PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS!”
“It’s how people get all their money stolen.”
“You don’t owe him anything.”
“If you gave him the money, you may never see it again OR the requests will get bigger.”
“$300 for a game is not an emergency.”
“Rethink this relationship.”
“It will only get worse.”- LouisV25
“NTA.”
“You’ve been dating this man for less than a year.”
“Some partners wouldn’t even have met the kids at this point, but he’s regularly dinging you for expenses related to them, which I bet won’t seem quite so small if you add them all up, even though he’s the dad and that should just be part of his budget automatically.”
“Now he wants you to cover a major purchase that in no universe can be considered essential.”
“He wants unrestricted access to your bank account to do this, and he’s somehow made you feel like the unreasonable one for trying to pump the brakes and propose alternatives.”
“Throw the whole man out and really spend some time sorting through why you think you’re the irrational one in this scenario.”
“Otherwise, I worry you’re just going to keep finding boundary-stompers, and won’t figure it out until you’re left with an empty bank account, shredded self-esteem, and nothing to show for it.”- mm172
“What in the actual f?!?”
“If he really needed a loan that fast there’s Venmo, Zelle, PayPal?”
“But I dunno.”
“He couldn’t buy his kid a gaming system without your bank account info and now the kid is pissed at him and it’s your fault.”
“Red flags.”
“Don’t give out your bank account info to someone you’ve been dating for only 8 months, don’t live with, and are not married to.”
“This does not sound like someone you should marry or move in with.”- Imaginary-Koala1382
“Oh hell no.”
“You’ve been with him for only 8 months and he’s already demanding that you lend him money and give him your bank account info.”
“Sounds to me like those small purchases he got you to do for his kids stuff were his way of softening you up so he could later on request a big purchase and you’d be used to it, so wouldn’t hesitate.”
“You didn’t act irrationally, he did.”
“If he can’t afford it, he needs to wait until he can.”
“I wouldn’t give my own mother my bank account details, and she wouldn’t ever ask either!, let alone a partner I’ve only been with for less than a year.”
“A year is where the honeymoon period starts to wear off, where the person starts revealing their true colors and all their flaws.”
“If he’s acting like this at 8 months, during the period where he’s still showing you his BEST side, what’s he going to be like in a year from now.”
“What’s he going to be demanding then?”
“what’s he going to be telling you that you NEED to buy RIGHT NOW?”
“He acted abusively by shouting and yelling when you said that you’re not comfortable, he trampled all over a boundary that any reasonable person would completely understand.”
“So again; oh hell NO.”
“He should be apologizing to you – he acted appallingly.”
“NTA.”
“Total NTA.”- singing_stream
It’s hard to say which is worse, that the OP’s boyfriend simply expected her to give over her bank account information, no questions asked, or that he’d succeeded in convincing her to pay for his children for eight months already.
Either way, it’s hard not to think that this man had ulterior motives, and it is likely in the OP’s best interests to get out of this relationship.