Sometimes friends and loved ones can make uncomfortable requests of each other.
As long as the request isn’t harmful or malicious, does it mean people should automatically honor said requests?
Therein lies the conundrum.
Some requests can come off as controlling.
And nobody likes to be controlled.
Redditor Independent_Maize487 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for ordering alcohol on a double date?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My fiancé (M[ale] 30) and I (F[emale] 34) have been dating for 3 years and have been engaged since October 2024.”
“We hardly ever fight; we live together and have a very solid relationship.”
“My fiancé has a best friend whom he doesn’t see that often because he lives an hour away, let’s call him Jack.”
“Jack is a very reserved person, and he is very sweet, and he hasn’t dated since my fiancé and he graduated from college, so for the longest time, he hasn’t had a serious relationship.”
“He met a girl via dating apps a while back, and they started hitting it off.”
“My fiancé and I were thrilled for him to date someone that he likes finally, but this girl, let’s call her Milly, is a recovering alcoholic.”
“Milly had been in a very bad situation from a previous relationship where they were enabling each other.”
“My fiancé and I were a little worried about Jack dating Milly, since she had only recently broken up with her ex.”
“Fiancé and I also thought it was good that Jack doesn’t drink alcohol; he never liked it.”
“So far, Jack has been very supportive to the point of helping her find a job after she left rehab.”
“The four of us went on a couple of double dates, and in both cases, I ended up ordering alcohol (wine) to go with my meal.”
“My fiancé was appalled I ordered alcohol.”
“After the second double date, Jack asked my fiancé in private to please not order alcohol when we go out next time.”
“This made me feel upset.”
“I feel like this is something I do not want to stop doing for someone else.”
“I do enjoy grabbing a glass of wine with my food if we are going out to a nice place.”
“I tried to compromise and said we could do breakfast instead, or go to places where alcohol is not served.”
“If Jack feels like Milly cannot be around alcohol, I understand that.”
“She has an addiction, and I can only imagine how difficult it is to live in a world where things are constantly available, but I also feel like he is overstepping in telling me what I can order or cannot.”
“I asked my fiancé, what is going to happen when there is a gathering at our house and alcohol is served?”
“Or when we plan our wedding?”
“What is Jack going to do then?”
“My fiancé got upset because he says I am being stubborn, and I don’t want to be empathetic towards his best friend’s girl.”
“He basically thinks I am being an a** for not caring about his friend’s feelings.”
“I said fine, I will not order alcohol next time, but made sure to let him know I am upset that someone else is controlling what I eat or drink.”
“I believe that Jack won’t be able to shelter Milly by controlling what other people do.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Reddit, please tell me, AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
“YTA. big time, buddy.”
“You were asked politely not to consume alcohol in front of a recovering alcoholic, which is what we call ‘common courtesy,’ and not to ‘stop doing something for someone else.'”
“If you cannot have dinner without a glass of wine to the degree that you are negatively impacting everyone else’s time and are knowingly and intentionally pulling out a trigger item for someone else’s addiction, you might have a problem.”
“Maybe you can have dinner alone while those three go out, because you clearly care more about drinking than you care about other people, your loved ones included.”
“ETA: I’m an alcoholic who worked in the alcohol industry for years and has alcoholism running in the family.”
“I have plenty of alcoholic friends who are fine to drink around, and others who are not and will ask others to refrain in small social settings, like a small dinner, and we’re chill with that because we’re friends.”
“Other people won’t ask, but I absolutely will not have alcohol around them.”
“A lot of you seem to be disregarding that socially drinking in particular is a trigger for Milly.”
“That doesn’t mean that she can’t be in a restaurant, it just means it’s difficult to be engaged socially with someone who is drinking.”
“Alcoholism comes in many sizes, colors, and shapes, and so does recovery.”
“There’s no one-sized-fits-all solution, and the journey sure as hell isn’t linear.”
“But in general if someone asks you to refrain from something because in a certain setting it makes them uncomfortable (obviously I don’t mean OP’s wedding here, which she is welcome not to attend, or is maybe months down the road where she’ll be in a better place in her recovery), that isn’t controlling behavior, it’s a request, and the courteous thing to do is say ‘my night won’t be ruined because I can’t have a glass of wine with dinner.'”
“OP is being selfish and, yes, an a**hole.” ~ disicking
“Very much this!”
“They were in an intimate setting.”
“The fact that OP jumps to the same thing, ‘what about when we plan our wedding,’ is absurd.”
“It’s not the same thing as sitting at a table with someone in close proximity and literally drinking in your face.”
“If it’s a large social gathering, you can get up and go hang out with other people, but how do you do that when it’s just 4 people?”
“Don’t invite an alcoholic to dinner, drink in front of them, then get upset when they ask you not to.”
“My ex-F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] is an alcoholic and we went out to dinner with him frequently, and despite wanting to have a drink, we all abstained, cuz we knew it would be hard for him to see and/or smell alcohol.”
“OP YTA, and if you can’t not have a drink with one meal, then you should really reflect on why this is more important than having empathy for someone.” ~ s0rela
“YTA. It’s one meal occasionally.”
“They’re not asking you to plan a dry wedding.”
“Get over it.” ~ doggynames
“YTA, they’re not controlling what you drink, man, they’re just asking for a few dinners to refrain from drinking alcohol, could you just have a little awareness and empathy about other people?”
“Yes, Milly will inevitably run into scenarios where alcohol is part of festivities, and I’m not sure what Jack and Milly are planning to do in those scenarios, but it shouldn’t matter.”
“Someone your fiance cares about is asking for something, your fiance wants to honor that – surely you can just be a little selfless and go along with it.” ~ tgeraghty_10
“YTA. What if Millie had a shellfish allergy and you were asked not to order shellfish?”
“Would that be such a big deal?”
“Your stance seems so unreasonable.”
“We’re talking about a couple of dinners.”
“You’re blowing it out of proportion instead of making an accommodation for a friend you don’t even see that often.”
“You’re making this too big a deal.”
“If you have a gathering at your house, make sure you let them know in advance if you are serving alcohol.”
“Same with your wedding.”
“Not a problem.” ~ LucidOutwork
“Soft YTA, I get not liking others dictating what you drink, but it sounds more like they’re asking for consideration rather than demanding it.”
“So then the situation changes to, do you want to do this favor for friends/acquaintances?”
“This is the part where you are a soft YTA, because as a friend, I would think this would be a no-brainer.” ~ rynIpz
“I’m going with YTA.”
“It’s only been a couple of dates.”
“Not sure why you have to order alcohol on that date, or why it would make a difference to go to a place that doesn’t serve alcohol.”
“The rest of the ‘what ifs’ haven’t occurred yet, and that is a decision she will need to make then.” ~ PicklesAndCoorslight
“Agreed. If you’re willing to go somewhere that doesn’t sell alcohol at all, why aren’t you willing to not order it at places that do?”
“That just further cements the idea that you’re acting a bit self-centered here.”
“Obviously, you can serve alcohol at your own wedding.”
“If she’s uncomfortable with that, she can choose not to attend.”
“They can say no alcohol should be ordered at dinner, and if that’s so impossible for you, you too can choose to skip it.”
“Your reaction here is pretty ridiculous.” ~ Daggnuts
“YTA, some people in this comment section forgot what the word a**hole means.”
“‘NTA but ur rude or but ur not considerate’ blah blah yeah you’re not going to jail or hell for it, ur just an a**hole.”
“An event at your house or your very own wedding, do what you want, and she can get over it, or it’s her turn to be the a**hole, but like literally one dinner, you refuse to be ‘controlled’ doing the most honestly.” ~ Soft_Honey_love
“Not TA for the first date because many alcoholics are okay with your drinking in front of them.”
“But then you were told this was an issue for her and made it clear you didn’t care about her feelings at all by drinking anyway.”
“Classy. YTA.” ~ BalloonShip
Reddit has taken issue with your actions, OP.
Yes, no one reserves the right to control other people.
But is it really that big of a deal to skip a glass of wine every once in a while?
Yes, Milly will eventually have to deal with this issue.
Perhaps consider it as a way to be a little more helpful.
Good Luck.