We’ve all heard that if there’s a lifestyle you want, you have to start to emulate the characteristics of that lifestyle, so it becomes less of a leap for you to have that life.
So when someone wants a life that is very different from their own, and they aren’t doing anything to bring those two worlds together, it can be a jarring thing to observe, agreed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Adventurous-Still388 had a friend in college who really enjoyed having a good time and connecting with new people, particularly men, but she also wanted to be a “tradwife” someday.
When she asked for advice, wondering why she wasn’t having any luck meeting a traditional man, the Original Poster (OP) was honest with her and pointed out that her life and the “tradwife” life she wanted could hardly be more different.
They asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my friend that she’s not ‘tradwife’ material?”
The OP had a friend who liked to have a good time.
“I have a friend, Sophie, who I met at orientation in college. Initially, she tried flirting with me, but I wasn’t into her, so we ended up being friends.”
“The big thing about Sophie is she always talks about how much she wants to be in a ‘trad’ relationship where she takes care of the home and kids, he works, and they raise their kids religious and all-American.”
“I find this a bit silly because she’s the opposite of ‘trad’ herself: she sleeps around a lot, dresses revealingly, drinks and parties, and gets high a lot, etc.”
“She identifies as a Christian herself while sleeping around and partaking in drugs, so who knows what’s going on in her mind, besides really bad self-esteem and impulse control issues.”
“Understandably, the trad guys she tries to entice into a relationship want a woman who’s more trad herself, and turn her down.”
When their friend asked for feedback, the OP did not hold back.
“She asked me why I thought the guys she wants don’t want her, and I replied that she’s not really trad enough to be tradwife.”
“She got upset and said I was shaming her, but I don’t think I was. I’m not casting moral judgement, it’s just a fact that her lifestyle isn’t very trad.”
“She can do whatever she likes regarding her lifestyle, but obviously, it’s going to have some sort of impact. ‘Actions have consequences’ is something we learn when we’re little.”
“She’s my friend, but I think she’s delusional. There’s just absolutely no way a traditional guy is going to look at a girl that dresses immodestly, sleeps around, and gets high and thinks she’s wife material.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP that their friend was not setting herself for this “trad” dream life.
“NTA. I don’t think she actually wants to be a traditional wife, but there are a few things that she probably wants, under the guise of being a ‘trad wife.'”
“Maybe she doesn’t want to work. Maybe she craves the validation of someone simping over her so hard, that they just give her everything for nothing. There are also plenty of women (well, people!) who want to have their wild twenties and then pretend it never happened and settle down in their thirties.”
“It’s pretty pathetic of her all around and gives me second-hand embarrassment. She’s definitely not behaving in a way that will draw in the kind of person she needs to make this lifestyle happen.” – Proper_Fun_977
“She doesn’t want to be trad; she wants to be a trophy wife. And she’s not even fit for that.”
“Part of being a trophy wife is being very good at exhibiting very classy behavior, and she doesn’t sound like she is. She may be hot, but there’s more even to trophyhood than looks.” – Less-Fondant-3054
“It doesn’t sound like she’s settling down, to be honest. She’s still wilding it, and as long as she’s doing that, she’s not going to be attracting those types of men. OP’s friend is only going to attract guys that reflect the stage of life that she’s in, guys who like who she is now.”
“No one likes to hear this, but if you want a certain type of person, you have to be a certain type of person. You might get lucky and get someone that meets your criteria, but you probably aren’t going to keep getting people like that unless you do work to change yourself.” – certifiedtoothbench
“My husband’s ex-wife is gorgeous and does a really good job of making you believe she loves you and that you’re the center of her universe, for a little while anyway (I say this as a woman who fell for being her friend).”
“I’m now a stay-at-home wife, and my husband was so hesitant for a long time because his ex-wife didn’t want to do anything to clean the house. He took on the work and the household chores to keep the home from being a mess. He even offered to do her laundry, because she left dirty piles all over their bedroom floor and end of their bed.”
“I just don’t get that. I’m stoked to be staying home now, sure, I would like to spend all my time reading or watching YouTube?”
“But on the other hand, it’s sooooo nice to actually feel like I have the time to keep the house truly clean, where before my husband and I just split chores and did the best we could. Our house was perpetually in a state of just tidy enough, and it was exhausting.”
“Meanwhile, now I’m stoked because last week I could actually deep clean the kitchen AND the bathroom… AND, we don’t have to take up our weekends doing that stuff anymore! Honestly, it’s great.”
“Like I said, my poor husband was super hesitant at first because of his first wife… I don’t understand it, like, girl, you had it made, how did you fumble the ball?”
“But going back to the OP, his friend either will never have a ball to fumble, OR she’ll be like my husband’s first wife and trick a man for a while until he’s had enough or just disassociates.” – ReginaSeptemvittata
“The problem for OP’s friend is that she is actively pursuing what she considers traditional men. She is free to do what she wants in her twenties and thirties and beyond.”
“But she specifically asked OP why the type of man she wants isn’t interested in her. OP is correct, she isn’t trad material.”
“She might be someday, but she should wait until she’s in that phase of her life to actively pursue that type of man.” – CommunicationGlad299
“I think she needs to reflect as to why, if her values don’t align with that lifestyle, why she looks up to it?”
“Is it the social media influencers who have a mega-rich husband and portray an unrealistic life that she aspires to? Then she wants a life with money.”
“It is going to be hard to pop her bubble of illusion, but you pushed her in that direction.” – rachihc
Others cringed, thinking that the OP’s friend would never be able to shake her past.
“Given her history, there is a high chance that even the kindest of the ‘trad men’ will balk and not even look her way. These guys want a wife and mother with a clean background and a body count of exactly zero.”
“As soon as she opens up about her past, or as soon as they cast even a cursory glance at her social media, they’ll be out of there.” – Oogy_Boogy_I_Am
“She will never be trad wife material. She’s barred herself from that title indefinitely by sleeping around.”
“Trad men aren’t looking for born-again trad wives because that’s an oxymoron; they’re looking for someone with a history of being traditional. They’re looking for women who have no past to come back from.”
“Turning 30 and disavowing your past does not erase that past.” – passwordunlock
“The whole ‘the past doesn’t matter’ sentiment that’s been spreading around is gonna bite them in the a** when they realize the men they are chasing do indeed care about their past.” – JKking15
“NTA. ‘Dress and act for the job you want.’ I think that could go for relationships as well. Good luck to both of you.” – WeSayNot2Day
“Based on what you wrote, she doesn’t want to be a ‘tradwife,’ because apparently that means she has to dress modestly and can’t smoke. If she wanted to do those things, she would just do them; she doesn’t need a husband for that.”
“She wants to be a SAHM, which is fine, and the majority of guys won’t care about the things you mentioned. Maybe she thinks you meant she’s not wife material, so just explain she’s not ultra-conservative is all.” – Repulsive
“NTA. She asked, and you answered. Unfortunately, sometimes people don’t really want to hear the truth. It doesn’t seem like she wanted a real answer, or perhaps she was just surprised by the answer and lashed out. Sounds like you didn’t put it in a mean way, either.” – ClearLocation7289
The subReddit understood the OP’s confusion when their friend not only confided that she wanted to be a “tradwife” and wanted to marry a traditional man, but that she was confused about why her current lifestyle was not attracting that sort of man.
The OP’s delivery may have been harsh, but it is true that you have to exhibit the traits of the life you want. If you want to live a life that looks very different than your own, you have to start making changes to make yourself fit as a part of that alternate life’s puzzle.