Helping out a loved one in need is a wonderful thing to do.
A lot of people fall on hard times and need a hand to help get back on track.
But sometimes the fallen are too messy to help.
Some people will just cause chaos and toxicity with their needs.
Redditor Racoon_In_a_Hat wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not allowing my sister to move in with me?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I am a 25 (F[emale]), I have a sister, 39 (F), she and her husband separated back in July. "
"When they separated, she went to live with our parents."
"She has hated living with them for the entirety of it, as they have what are, in my opinion, perfectly reasonable rules."
"Simple things like clean up after yourself, no guests overnight, quiet when they go to bed, etc."
"She wants to move in with me, and I’ve been firmly against it as we have very different lifestyles, and I don’t want to rearrange my living space to accommodate her."
"I have a two-bedroom house that was a gift from my grandparents after graduating with my bachelor's degree."
"My sister didn’t receive a house as she dropped out of high school her senior year, but they did pay for her (small) wedding though."
"I use the spare room for work/sewing/various craft projects, and I don’t want to give up the room as it would make my dining room very cluttered, and I’m quite fond of the setup I have.'
"My sister called me last week, crying, begging me to let her move in."
"I told her it wouldn’t be any better than our parents because I, too, would have rules and would expect her to contribute to the light bill and groceries, where our parents charge her nothing."
"She said she didn’t care, so I wrote up my expectations."
"My expectations were..."
"1- She gets a job and remains employed for the duration of her stay."
"2- No guest (which sounds harsh, but she has a very poor judgment of character, and I don’t want the kind of people she brings into my house)."
"3- 10 pm curfew, as I’m not willing to deal with getting my dogs settled if she wakes them coming in."
"4- Cleaning up after herself."
"5- And finally, not bothering with my belongings."
"I sent her the list, including that I would expect her to pay 25% of the light bill and either buy her own food or contribute the same amount to groceries."
"She called me and screamed at me, calling me controlling, greedy, telling me I’m a horrible person for wanting her to be homeless (she wouldn’t be homeless?), and made numerous Facebook posts about me."
"My parents don’t believe I’ve done anything wrong, but with how she’s reacted, I’m wondering if I’m actually being an a**hole here."
"My goal is to protect my peace and sanity, but it’s not worth it if it means I’m being horrible to my sister."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Good God."
"Do NOT let her move in, even if she agrees to this up front. She showed you who she is, and she’ll pretend for a month, and then you’ll be in hell."
"It’s your house."
"She needs to get herself together!!!"
"Also, write up a lease so she has no legal claim to stay if you give her notice if you ever decide to proceed with this."
"Get everything documented. Notarized."
"Notaries are free at a bank."
"Two copies of each agreement."
"Written notice when she needs to go. "
"NTA. Don’t even go there!" ~ Comeback_321
"I don't get why 25% is only for bills."
"Two people living together is 50-50."
"But I'd not let her in even if she'd sign the contract in God's presence."
"She is not going to respect the agreement anyway."
"And the hassle it will take to make her out - not worth trying." ~ Polish_girl44
"You're obviously not the AH here, and I think it's absurd that you are even asking, to be honest." ~ annorafoyle
"Not to mention, we have several of these almost exact same posts get near the top of the sub each day."
"Person A doesn't want completely unreasonable Person B living with them for various reasons, AITA?"
"The answer is always NTA because even if the person was a saint personified, if you want to live alone, you want to live alone, and that is enough to say no."
"However, 99/100x the list of reasons, whether made up for karma or real, always shows the person who is trying to grind the OP into agreeing has more red flags than a Chinese flag store." ~ ChrisTOEfert
"Pay attention. She’s just shown you how she handles situations BEFORE she even moved in."
"Her reaction is a blessing cos now you’re justified in your NO." ~ SafeWord9999
"NTA. You’re actually nicer than I."
"I would’ve thrown it into her face that she needs to get her sh*t together and do some reflection."
"She’s jobless and living rent-free with her parents at 39 years old."
"She sounds extremely ungrateful."
"She just separated."
"She has the ability to turn it all around, but instead sounds like a freeloader (no wonder she and her husband separated)."
"I know this sounds harsh, but she needs to hear the truth." ~ LuckySection446
"I agree."
"I’m not misogynistic in the least, but I bet, between how she’s acted as far as not wanting to do the bare minimum of at least tidying up her own mess and following common sense requests in a shared space, her estranged husband got tired of picking up the full weight of the household bills and chores, because it wouldn’t surprise me if she was one of the sorts who either stayed at home watching TV or doomscrolling on her phone, or going out with friends for hours on end, and not doing a damn thing at home to help out."
"Neither OP nor her parents’ rules are harsh, and at least staying with the parents, sister isn’t being asked to contribute a dime, but she’s chafing underneath what would be considered common courtesy boundaries."
"She just wants handouts without having to work for them."
"Maybe she should experience homelessness for a time to truly appreciate how good she’s currently got it."
"And why wouldn’t she want to get a job, if not for at least a bit of her own spending money?"
"I would give anything to have my health where I could go back to work instead of butting heads against a proverbial brick wall to get both my health needs taken care of and not have to run around in circles trying to get disability." ~ DragonWyrd316
"It's not that you didn't allow it; she had a choice."
"The rules you set are very reasonable; there have to be rules in a shared living situation."
"I would only see something wrong with it if she were truly going to become homeless; otherwise, I'm completely in favor." ~ JessND2
"It seems like accepting the house rules of the person taking you in would be expected of someone who was homeless just as well."
"The financial expectations would need to be adjusted according to the situation (actively looking for work, a list of goals that will improve sister’s outlook, along with a projected timeline, etc.), but there needs to be an understanding of expectations on both sides."
"Also, NTA." ~ Efficient-School7127
"NTA. Don't let her gaslight you into doubting yourself."
"Your expectations are perfectly reasonable, generous even."
"If she wants to do whatever she wants whenever she wants, she needs to get her own place."
"You were straightforward and upfront about what you expect. It's your home. At this point, with her reaction? If I were in your shoes, I'd withdraw the offer and switch to a flat 'NO.'"
'No' is a complete sentence."
"You don't even have to reason, rationalize, or explain to her."
"Her reaction shows that even if she did agree to your conditions."
"She will not follow through." ~ No_Nefariousness4801
"The fact that she screamed at you and called you names when you provided perfectly reasonable requests says it all."
"DON'T DO IT!"
"It will ruin your life."
"But if, by some horrific turn of events, she does end up living with you, write up a very clear and very specific document of expectations and have her sign and date it BEFORE she moves in."
"I've watched too many Judge Judy episodes to know how it ends when you don't have something in writing."
"But just don't do it, please." ~ Agreeable-Aioli-4514
"Don’t let her move in! It sounds like you don’t want her to, so just say no."
"Let her live with your parents and live by their rules."
"If she doesn’t want to respect your parents’ rules, then she won’t respect yours."
"Once she’s living with you, she’ll have tenants' rights, and you may have to go through the eviction process to get rid of her. NTA." ~ Ziggie520
"NTA. If she doesn't like your house rules, then she doesn't have to live in your house."
"Lucky she isn't there."
"She's only this mad because she thought that she'd be able to move in with you and then ignore any rules you had as unfair or things she didn't agree to."
"Because you've said it all up front, she can't get away with her nonsense." ~ Natural_Garbage7674
"NTA. Her reaction shows you that you are not the ahole and that you are correct about her ruining your peace."
"She wanted to live with you and not contribute to electricity?"
"She didn’t want to buy her own groceries, nor contribute 1/4 to eat half of yours?"
"No guests and no entry after 10 pm would be AH behavior if you were looking for a roommate situation and she’d be paying, but not in a situation where you’re already inconveniencing yourself."
"It’s been 9 months."
"She can get a job and move into her own place when she’s ready." ~ Helpful_Kangaroo_o
Reddit is 1000% with you, OP.
Your sister has A LOT of growing up to do.
You cannot save her.
Protect yourself and your peace.
Good Luck.
