It’s important that when people show us who they are, we believe them, so that we can prevent them from ever being able to treat us that way again.
Unfortunately, sometimes we don’t find out until the most dire of moments, cringed the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor yourdirtygurl had been with their boyfriend for two and a half years, was living with him, and thought they could depend on him, so when they had a medical emergency, they called him.
But when he didn’t want to leave the bar and end his good time to be with them while they were in the hospital, the Original Poster (OP) found themselves seriously reconsidering the relationship.
They asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting for seriously reconsidering my relationship after what my boyfriend did during my medical emergency?”
The OP had a medical emergency and ended up in the hospital.
“A couple of weeks ago, I had a sudden medical scare.”
“I won’t go into details, but I ended up in the ER, and it was serious enough that they kept me overnight. It was terrifying.”
The OP tried to reach out to their boyfriend for support.
“I called my boyfriend (we’ve been together two and a half years and live together), and he didn’t answer, so I texted and told him what hospital I was at. No response.”
“He finally showed up nine hours later, around 2:00 AM.”
“His excuse? He was at a bar with his friends and ‘didn’t want to ruin the vibe.’ That’s literally what he said: ‘I didn’t want to ruin the vibe.'”
“It’s like a gaming and smoke bar all combined. There are lots of video game features, table games, drinking, and ‘420.’ So it’s a popular spot to chill. He goes after work a lot with friends from work. Usually it is a bit shorter, but there was apparently also an ‘event,’ which is why he didn’t wanna part ways to come see me.”
“He told me I seemed ‘fine’ over text, so he figured it could wait.”
“I was hooked up to monitors, scared out of my mind, and alone. I honestly don’t even remember what I said to him when he walked in because I was half-asleep and emotionally drained.”
The OP felt the relationship changing right before their eyes.
“But since then, I haven’t been able to look at him the same. He’s been acting like it was just bad timing, and that I’m ‘blowing it out of proportion’ by being distant.”
“He said I’m being cold and making him feel like a bad person over ‘one mistake.'”
“But the thing is… I can’t stop thinking: if that’s how he acted during an emergency, how can I trust him long-term? What happens when something worse happens?”
“Now I’m being told by mutual friends to give him a break because he’s ‘young’ (we’re both 21), and ‘guys panic in situations like that.’ But to me, it’s not about panic; it’s about being worried and choosing not to show up anyway.”
“Am I overreacting by thinking this is something I can’t just forgive and forget?”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some said the OP was not overreacting to finding out what their boyfriend’s priorities were.
“NOR, he literally chose a night at a bar over you. Even though he thought you sounded ‘fine,’ you’re still in panic and alone.”
“And also, medical emergencies can be ‘fine’ at first and turn almost deadly in seconds. I don’t know if he didn’t think about that or just didn’t care.”
“Since he isn’t even apologizing or hearing your point, I assume that the future holds a lot of alone nights in the hospital (especially if you’re thinking about having kids with this man).” – Both-Kangaroo-5067
“Girl… I’m going to hold your hand when I say this. Read what this guy was doing for nine hours instead of even responding to you in your time of need.”
“This moment was a gift. You got to see the real him. He wasn’t panicked; he was selfish.”
“And honestly, I’d bet my last dollar he wasn’t just with his buddies. Not responding at all is, in my experience, is cheating behavior.”
“Please leave. Don’t waste the best years of your life with someone like this. I’m 35 now and I’d do anything to get the years I wasted on trash men those years back.” – Youre_Wrong_Ok
“OP, my teens and middle-schoolers wouldn’t treat you this way. ‘He’s young’ is a bulls**t excuse.”
“If this is his starting point at 21, there is little to no chance his peak maturity will be anything near a functioning adult and partner.”
“You’re young. It may hurt for a while, but dump the loser and enjoy your youth!!” – Brainfog1980
“Please do not put up with this treatment. Good men are out there.”
“During the pandemic, I was in the emergency room for 14 hours for something else before I could be admitted. Gallbladder. They allowed no visitors in the hospital or the waiting room.”
“Despite living 10 minutes from the hospital, my husband sat in his car in the parking lot in January for all those hours until he knew I was in a room. Not that he could do a d**n thing but just in case I ‘needed him.'” – rolldownthewindows
“I had to have emergency surgery during the peak of the pandemic. I mean, so bad that they had run out of tests, so they couldn’t test me, and the staff was freaking out about it.”
“My husband stayed in the parking lot the whole time, never got to meet the surgeon, and only spoke to him on the phone. This man stayed in the car the whole time.”
“I had to make him go home and get to sleep at night. There was nothing he could do, but he was there anyway.”
“Your boyfriend sucks and will never be there when you need him. He’s proved that his buddies or drinking are more important than you. He’s showing you who he is; believe him. He’s not a keeper.” – Chicka-17
Others were alarmed by how long it took the boyfriend to even arrive.
“Nine hours in a bar just by itself is a huge f**king red flag. Not coming to you in an emergency is a flashing bat signal of dump the f**ker already.” – steerbell
“I literally said out loud to myself, ‘Nine f**king hours??’ I’m sorry, what? There is no f**king excuse for that. There is no way he was ‘panicking’ for nine hours; that is ridiculous, and hurtful, and a bunch of other negative adjectives. What the f**k?!”
“OP, did he respond at any point, either with a phone call or even a text, before he eventually, nearly half a day later showed up? I don’t know, man, I just cannot imagine my boyfriend behaving like that, leaving me scared and alone for that long.”
“I don’t care what he was doing; I would expect and trust that he would get to me as soon as possible (and I would do the exact same; I would be sick with worry and super anxious until I was able to get to him and provide him with support and my company).”
“What I hear when he says, ‘I didn’t want to ruin the vibe,’ is ‘mine and my friends’ comfort is more important to me than your comfort and safety.'”
“Especially if you guys weren’t texting frequently the whole time until he showed up, how would he know that something even more serious didn’t happen to you? If you just stopped texting back, would he have even noticed?” – phoenixink
“I would have shown up before nine hours for you, and I don’t even know you.”
“If I heard you were at the hospital by me, with no one with you, especially because your boyfriend didn’t want to ruin the vibe, I’d have ruined his vibe even more once he did show up.”
“You deserve so much better.”
“Imagine your friend had this happen, what would you tell her? Now give yourself that same advice…” – Restless__Dreamer
“I wish I had left when my ex never showed after he was supposed to pick me up from inpatient surgery. I was young, and I did get angry, but he somehow convinced me I was overreacting.”
“I had to get a taxi to make it home. Looking back now, if I’d seen that for what it was (a ‘when someone shows you who you are, believe them’ moment), it would have saved me eight more years of disappointment and grief.”
“He’s showing his true colors, OP. Believe him.” – _sissy_hankshaw_
“Was he just at a bar? Why didn’t he reply? Who was he really with?”
“When a person’s gut says something is off, then believe the bulls**t meter. ‘One mistake’ wouldn’t be bothering her two weeks later.”
“And the gaslighting always p**ses me off. ‘You’re blowing it out of proportion’ is not something you say when you made a dumb a** mistake and chose drinking over a medical emergency.”
“If my spouse did that, they would have been living in the doghouse for the last two weeks, begging to sleep in the bed, and if anyone tried to excuse that behavior, they could sleep out there with them.” – Crafty-Fox8325
The subReddit was shocked and furious on the OP’s behalf that during a horrible and scary moment in their life, their boyfriend couldn’t even spare the time to check if they were okay. “Ruining the vibe” and wanting to spend time with his friends was such a poor excuse to not be there when they needed him, and if that’s how he was going to treat them now, it would only get worse.