Infidelity is a deal breaker for a lot of people, especially after marriage vows have been exchanged. It’s also an individual boundary that people must determine for themselves.
But friends and family don’t always respect that and try to influence the decision, either telling the person to stay or demanding they leave.
A wife dealing with an unfaithful husband and his mother’s opinions turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Ok-Spot-3558 asked:
“AITAH for asking my mother-in-law for advice on how she dealt with her husband’s affair after she said I needed to work on my marriage when her son cheated on me?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I am currently married to Matthew. He had an affair. I filed for divorce.”
“His mother came to me and said I needed to work on my marriage and not give up so easily. So I asked her how she dealt with her husband’s infidelity in their marriage.”
“She started stammering and asking what I was talking about. So I said that five years ago her husband had an affair. If she expects me to work through this, I need advice.”
“How did she deal with her husband having an affair. I told her that Matthew had asked me not to talk about it so I had kept my mouth shut. She got up and left.”
“From what I have heard, they had a massive fight. Her husband is denying everything. Matthew denied that he knew anything about the affair, much less telling me to act as if nothing happened.”
“My MIL is pissed at her husband for cheating and at Matthew for keeping her in the dark. For the record, I just wanted her to leave me alone and think about my point of view when I made up the affair.”
The OP later added:
“Here’s some information, I guess, that was relevant that I didn’t consider.”
“I only found out about my husband’s affair because Matthew gave me Chlamydia. I found out about his other affairs while fighting with him.”
“My father-in-law said he was golfing with Matthew on Saturdays. And that they were taking overnight fishing trips.”
“He did this to help Matthew have excuses for his absence from home. He helped Matthew cheat.”
“Lastly, my mother-in-law came to my home—which she owns and gave us cheap rent on—while I was packing up my stuff to move out. That’s why I let her in.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO – more information needed
Redditors were split in their judgment, with some thinking the OP’s lie was justified (NTA).
“OK, at first I thought NTA, then read that you made it up and thought YTA, then I read that the FIL helped cover up your husband’s affair.”
“NTA. That family is toxic.” ~ TheSystem08
“Toxic family. OP, you put her in her place for trying to tell you how to handle your business. Her focus should be on her son, giving him guidance and hoping you don’t leave him.”
“Honestly, if I cheated on my wife and my mother told my wife something like this, I’d be pissed. It would not be my wife’s responsibility to work on our marriage if I were the one to break her trust.” ~ Just_Fish2623
“NTA. If father-in-law was willing to cover up the cheating, I don’t trust that he isn’t a cheater himself. And to be honest, it would take more than someone telling me my spouse was cheating to believe it, so I’m guessing your mother-in-law already had some doubts on her end. Good luck in your divorce.” ~ UrHumbleNarr8or
“Let’s be real.. If homie is covering for his son like that, he def was the OG cheater who showed his son the way. Ain’t no way in hell MIL doesn’t need an STI screening.” ~ TrixIx
“If he helped his son cover up the affair, FIL either has such a low opinion of you he ‘pities’ his son for being married to you OR he’s one of those men that think men should get their physical needs met 100% of the time, no matter the circumstances, in which case it’s incredibly likely he has indeed had an affair.”
“I’m not usually one for throwing a grenade in someone else’s marriage, but between FIL’s actions and Matthew’s mom not leaving you alone when she obviously (from her reaction) has an issue with cheating, I’m not 100% that you’re an AH here despite your lie.” ~ ShermanOneNine87
But others felt everyone—or almost everyone—sucked (ESH) or that just the OP did (YTA).
“So your FIL wasn’t cheating then? You made up an affair & opened up a can of whoop a** between your in-laws? ESH except maybe your MIL—you for making up that lie, your hubby for cheating, & your FIL for helping him.”
“I don’t know your relationship with your MIL. Is it possible she doesn’t want you to leave the family? Otherwise she wouldn’t care if you divorced him.” ~ NoExamination1045
“ESH. They’re a toxic mess, but you lied to her. You deliberately hurt someone who hadn’t done a damn thing to you to get back at your ex.”
“You are a nasty person that, frankly, is no better than your FIL in my opinion. Possibly worse.” ~ abritinthebay
“These comments are always wild. YTA. You straight up lied and might have ended a marriage that had nothing to do with anything that happened to you.”
“All because a father covered for a mistake his son did.
“And HOLY SH*T THE COMMENTS SAYING THEY UNDERSTAND‽‽”
“Nah, ya’ll are cooked, and none of you are good people if you support what OP did. Making up false accusations is just as bad as you doing them yourself.”
“Get f*cked OP. Maybe there was a reason your marriage ended up in this position after all, if this is the person you are.” ~ Vox_SFX
“Sure, OP’s husband is a cheating sack of crap. MIL was meddlesome, no doubt.”
“Lying, though, and possibly blowing up her in-laws’ relationship? Come on… that makes OP just as bad as the rest of them, if not worse.” ~ LilMissRoRo
“ESH. You effectively got her to understand the horseshit she was trying to make you swallow. Her reaction is peak ‘rules for thee, not for me’ hypocrisy.”
“I’m a petty Betty around infidelity. I like your style and applaud the quick thinking.”
“However… A lie is still a lie. You would be no better than the cheater by allowing the lie to stand.”
“Come clean with her. Make sure you point out that her feelings are no less valid than yours, and you will not tolerate virtue signal-bullying about her infidelity enabling husband and you dumping her cheating a** son.” ~ MonchichiSalt
“I would say ESH is more suitable here.”
“The husband cheated, he’s the default a**hole. The father-in-law helped his son cover up the cheating, so he’s an enabling a**hole.”
“The mother-in-law tried to push her daughter-in-law to forgive the cheating despite going ballistic when she thought her own husband was cheating, so she’s a hypocritical a**hole. And finally we have the OP, the lying, mudslinging a**hole.”
“All that being said… I’m on OP’s side. What she did was wrong, but oh so cathartic.” ~ DigiAirship
“ESH. Yeah, even if it wasn’t the cleanest move, it made the point very clearly. If she’s going to pressure someone to stay after infidelity, it’s fair to ask how she handled the same situation. Sometimes people don’t get it until it hits close to home.” ~ marlowtiredagain
“ESH is the answer. Here are the reasons in order of least to worst bad.”
“1. OP for lying to her MIL about her FIL having an affair. 2. MIL for telling her DIL to stay in the marriage and not talking to her own son about what he did to kill the marriage. 3. FIL for helping son cover up the affair. 4. Husband for cheating and everything that followed.” ~ Longjumping-Lab-1916
“ESH… BUT… Honestly, I have done something similar once.”
“A dear friend of mine wanted to cheat on his wife with me, and made the proposition. I said it’s crazy that both tried the same move on the same friend on the same day. I asked him if it was planned. He stared at me for a moment and was like, ‘Wait, my wife hit on you? When?’.”
“I said she only just asked me if I’d meet up with her later and have sex, but I told her no because she had a man. And now here’s that same man, asking me the same question.”
“He started crying about how his wife’s cheating, and I responded with, ‘She’s not, but now you know how it feels. Don’t do that’.”
“Sometimes, you just GOTTA hand those lessons out.” ~ mollymolotov666
While OP’s mother-in-law wasn’t being empathetic, was lying to nuke her marriage the right call?
In the end, OP is the one who will have to live with her choices.
Revenge feels great in the moment, but sometimes guilt feels worse.