We always want to be there for our nearest and dearest.
Sometimes, however, this simply isn't possible.
Even if it is genuinely out of our control, not everyone may see it that way, resulting in frustration, anger, and sadness.
Sometimes, however, people are faced with a choice and don't always choose wisely.
The sister of Redditor No_Pumpkin5085 was expecting her third child.
Unfortunately, she found herself dealing with a difficult pregnancy and taking care of her two young children primarily on her own, with her husband away for an extended period of time.
Worried for their sister's well-being, the original poster (OP) found themself confronting their brother-in-law (BIL).
A decision that didn't help the situation one bit.
Having some doubts about his behavior, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I the A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my brother in law he needs to stop helping his friend with a neurodegenerative disease?"
The OP explained why he felt the need to give his BIL a piece of his mind:
"My younger sister is 7 months pregnant with her third kid."
"It's been a very difficult pregnancy but she's handling it the best she can."
"Her and her husband also have two toddlers."
"Recently, my BIL's best friend recently entered the late stage of a neurodegenerative disease."
"He's been battling it for a few years now but it progressed significantly where he now needs intensive care."
"Best friend is a big guy (over 6 ft), and so his wife reached out to my BIL for help with the physical demands when the nurses aren't around."
"The problem is that my BIL will be gone for weeks at a time (I think the most was three weeks) to stay at his friend's place, leaving my sister completely alone."
"Mind you she's heavily pregnant and juggling two toddlers."
"They have no family nearby since their family relocated to a different country for BIL's work."
"My sister called me the other night in tears and told me how overwhelmed she's been."
"One of the toddlers is sick, she hasn't slept all night, down with aches everywhere and severe nausea and bil hasn't come home since last week."
"Admittedly my anger got the better of me because I called him and basically went off on him that his wife was drowning and he needed to leave his friend, come home and figure his shit out because he seems to have forgotten he has his own family."
"I said his friend has a wife, hired nurses, and a support system."
"My sister is literally on her own."
"He snapped back and asked me what was wrong with me and how dare I tell him to abandon his friend."
"I said nobody is asking you to disappear from friend's life, there is a middle ground between that and leaving your pregnant wife alone for weeks with two toddlers."
"He hung up on me and later that night my sister and him had a pretty bad fight."
"Now his parents (who have known BIL's best friend for ages) are furious at my sister saying she's weak and selfish for not being understanding and she's already gone through two pregnancies so why can't she deal with this, and they're even more pissed at me for instigating this in the first place."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for confronting his BIL:
Everyone agreed that the OP's BIL needed to know that he was putting too much pressure on the OP's sister, with many wondering if the OP should even stay in this marriage:
"WEEKS?"
"Look, I can understand him leaving for a few hours, maybe a day, to help take his buddy to appointments or whatever."
"But to disappear WEEKS at a time is completely unreasonable even if his wife wasn't pregnant or had kids."
"Does he not have a job to go to?"
"Does he not miss his kids?"
"Also super weird that his parents are siding with this friend over their own grandchildren and DiL's well being."
"NTA."
"Crucify him."- Own_Round_7600
"NTA."
"And thank you for standing up for your sister, because he clearly either isn't listening to what she's saying or doesn't care what she's saying."
"Maybe it could have been handled better - at minimum you could have asked your sister if you could say something first - but it needed to be said."
"'She's already gone through two pregnancies so why can't she deal with this' is one of the stupidest things I've ever read."
"Oh, I dunno guys, maybe because this time she's caring for TWO TODDLERS ALONE while pregnant?!"
"If his parents are so angry about it, they can fly out and help the friend."- peony_chalk
"I think your sister should file for divorce and move in with you."
"This isn’t going to change one the baby arrives."
"NTA."- SeaScum404
"My sister just almost died in childbirth."
"Cause?"
"Stress leading to preeclampsia."
"Your BIL needs to get his head out of his a**.
"And, yes, you had every right to go off on that AH."
"Your sister's life is on the line."
"The person who should be her advocate right now is failing her, so who else should step up if not her sibling?"
"NTA."- Appropriate-Bar-2822
"NTA imo."
"Something needed to be said and he needs the reality check."
"A pregnancy is a burden whether it’s the first or 10th time."
"And now she’s chasing kids?"
"Couldn’t be me."
"A real husband would have heard that feedback and realized his priorities are in the wrong place."
"His friend does have a network."
"He doesn’t need to be so present in it now."
"If his parents care so much, they can go deal with the friend or move in and deal with their grandkids."
"Or they can STFU."- Background-Interview
"NTA."
"Also BIL is up to something."- JackJeckyl
"Not to be callous, but if you're gone for _weeks _to help you're dying friend, you've bailed on your wife and kids."
"Normally I'd say it's a difficult situation but BIL is so deep in his grief his abandoned his responsibilities as a husband and father."
"And yes, OPs sister and child will be alive so BIL thinks he can 'make up' for his absence later, but the toll it's taking on his wife might damage the rlship irreparably."
"NTA."- NatashOverWorld
"NTA."
"Dude is staying at his friend's house for weeks at a time leaving his pregnant wife and 2 toddlers at home so he can 'help with physical demands when the nurses aren't around?'"
"And the family thinks she should just deal with it?"- Upstairs_Sail_3087
"NTA."
"He has abandoned his wife."
"And what's wrong with his parents?"- No-Being4681
"NTA."
"Your BIL is either lying about helping his friend or something else is going on. If his friend wife has nurse and some sort of help then BIL shouldn't be gone for weeks at a time."
"What's the plan when your sister goes into labor?"
"Who will take care of the kids or be there to support her?"- getstrongandlean
"NTA."
"Why would his friend even want this- for his best friend to essentially sacrifice his family to help him for weeks when he has his own family and wife?"
"The whole thing is just cruel."
"She can't raise two children by herself, especially when so heavily pregnant."
"The friend is cruel for allowing this."
"The family of the friend is cruel for allowing this."
"He doesn't need to be there for weeks, he can zoom him from at home and go help the family sometimes during the day."
"It's terrible that his friend is dying, but that doesn't mean you abandon your family for weeks."
"True family and friends will always understand if you need to be with your family."
"And he needs to be with his family a LOT more than he is."- TrustTechnical4122
"Look, you did make the situation worse."
"However, it sounds like your sister is in a bad situation."
"Is there any way you can get her and the kids to you and family?"
"It sounds like she has been deliberately isolated and is being treated as a third-class citizen."
"Worst case, she could lose the baby due to this stress."
"Get her home, OP."
"NTA."- Situation-Mediocre
It's understandable that the OP's BIL wants to be there for his dying friend and spend time with him while he still can.
However, he also needs to remember that his wife is due to give birth to his third child soon and will need his help.
If he doesn't see the need to find a way to be there for his friend and his wife, one can't help but agree with those who wonder whether his wife would be better off without him.
