Speaking up about harassment can be difficult. Aside from getting the courage to actually file complaints, there's dealing with the repercussions from calling out that harassment.
Redditor Anonymous33- tried to call out her own harasser. However, there were consequences the original poster (OP) didn't anticipate.
OP isn't sure if she was wrong to turn her classmate in, and decided to ask the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit about the situation.
She's worried about what this means for her classmate.
"AITA for potentially ruining my classmate's career."
But does she really need to be worried?
"I (20f) am a college student. In my country a lot of students hunt for internship cuz it helps in getting a better pay package during placements."
"I've been casually talking with this guy 'R' who's also my classmate. He was all friendly at the beginning but started flirting recently. I never once flirted with him and always just ignored his moves but last week he asked me out and I said no."
"In fact, I apologized to him to have him think that somewhere in our conversation I might have led him on. He ghosted me and I didn't think much of it."
"But 2 days later, he texted me again, asking me out. I told him that I already said no to which he replied he gave me time to think over and that I should be grateful for it. Ngl, I got pissed and told him to F off."
"And he got pissed and called me all the names under the moon and just slut shamed me for it."
"I blocked him but he made his friends to cuss me out too. I got super frustrated and called him out on my story along with attaching the ss of our chats."
"Around 300 ppl saw and one among them is placement mentor (4th year student). I didn't think much of it cuz after the story as I blocked them all and went ahead with my day."
"The placement head saw this kind of behavior unacceptable and appalling. So he reported this to our department head. apparently in my college, this kind of behavior is labeled as harassment and punishment can lead to suspension."
"The department head (DH) and placement mentor called me to DH's office to get my statement and I did. I showed them everything. Well he got suspended for 3 months for his behavior."
"He was about to get a very good internship in a Govt company but since he got suspended that internship is also gone."
"Our professor P loves him and he called me to his office to go and make another statement to DH that I forgive him and there's also wrong in my part. Our DH, called me, R , his parents and our two professors (P and Q)."
"DH asked me if I'm willing to forgive him(this will get him off the suspension). Somewhere inside of me wanted to see him suffer so I told him no."
"I was harassed and I want him punished."
"His mother berated me in front of everyone saying that I'm the one who led her son and I'm doing this purposefully cuz he's my competitor. And her son is the victim here."
"DH didn't listen to her and gave R his rightful punishment well at least according to me."
"Well now, Our internship started and few of my friends said I took it too far. He just called me names while texting and I got him suspended for that."
"Some of my other classmates called me a bully and AH for ruining his bright future and Professor P called me outside the class today and told me that he's extremely disappointed in me and it's becuz of girls like me, potential careers of men are ruined."
"This actually made me cry and I'm rethinking whether what did was actually extreme. So, Reddit, AITA"
OP didn't even go out of her way to hurt her classmate, but he's lost out on possibly a great opportunity. Was she wrong?
To figure out if she was a jerk, the AITA commenters include one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
OP is not the reason her classmate lost out on his internship. His own actions and how he treated OP are the reason he lost out.
OP shouldn't feel guilty, no matter what her friends think.
"You didn't ruin his bright future, he did that all by himself."
"Harassment is a serious offense. He should have known better."
"If you'd have let him off the hook, he would have suffered no consequences and learned nothing."
"If he's lucky, he will learn from this and get his head on straight."
"NTA" - cat-lover76
"NTA. Abusers rely on the silence of their victims. If he didn't want to get kicked out for harassing other students, he shouldn't have harassed other students." - Ribbon-
"NTA. He destroyed his life. You didn't. You were just victim."
"You owe him nothing. You did nothing wrong. There is nothing a woman can do to 'lead someone on' that justifies being harassed."
"Even if you had flirted with him (but you didn't), and then you said no and he did this to you, he would still be 1000% in the wrong."
"You also probably weren't the first woman he harassed and likely won't be the last. You were just the first to stand up."
"Forgiving him and allowing him to get away with it would just accept his behavior and likely make him more aggressive toward women since he would feel like he could get away with it. It doesn't sound like he even tried to apologize, so them asking for you to forgive him is ridiculous."
"He likely has no remorse." - Affectionate-Show331
"NTA I am so sick of this 'What about his future?' bs. Maybe he shouldn't shame and harass women for not going out with him."
"Sounds like you have prevented yet another male chauvinist who would have only used his power over women working in a government job. What he did was in fact harassment and wrong."
"Who knows how far it would have gone had you not put him on blast. Good for you for sticking up yourself and not letting others pressure you into doing what they think you should do. He got what he deserved." - theshadowppl9
Other commenters were wondering what could be done about the professor, though OP didn't have much in the way of good news there.
But she's at least thinking about the possibility.
"NTA. Well done to your mentor and DH for stamping out this behaviour. You should raise a complaint about Professor P, whose behaviour is appalling."
"It wasn't you that affected R's career, it was R with his harassing behaviour. But I can see you might not want to make this last any longer than it already has." - Ok_Smell_8260
"I do want to complain about this professor but I'm honestly very scared now. I'm doing my internship and I'm scared he might try to do something."
"He's one among the major professors in our department and his subject is mandatory. Unfortunately I don't have much friends to support me too." - Anonymous33- (OP)
"Talk to your DH who has already shown they can be trusted to do the right thing." - Ok_Smell_8260
"Even if I did, it would be my word against professor P's . He's extremely respected among other professors and a lot of students love him."
"And he has an upper hand in ruining my career." - Anonymous33- (OP)
OP can rest assured that random strangers online agree with her, but it may not be comfort enough when her friends think she was wrong. But what can be done?
She might be able to explain what some of these comments go over and get her friends on her side.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.