Ultimatums in a relationship rarely work out for the person giving them.
Asking people to choose between very important things can sometimes be an impossible ask.
Love doesn't always win out.
So then what?
Redditor Fluid_Use_2978 found himself in a personal dilemma regarding his job and his love life, so he turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
He asked:
"AITAH for choosing my job over my girlfriend?'"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So basically me 26 M[ale] broke up with my G[irl]F[riend] 21 F[emale] because she gave me an ultimatum to leave my current job if I wanted to stay with her."
"I work on an oil rig on the North Sea in rotation (2weeks of work, 4weeks at home), I make great money."
"I have risen to a Foreman there, and the company I work for wants to invest money in me to expand my qualifications."
"Besides that, I really like the job, and I have a lot of perks and benefits."
"My GF told me that she can’t handle being by herself these 2weeks while I’m at sea."
"She told me she feels lonely and that it is too hard for her."
"I get that because I have been missing her too during that time, but it isn’t really my problem to deal with."
"In my opinion, that is something that she has to work through herself."
"So she wanted me to leave my current job and find something in the town we live in."
"I told her that there is no way that I will leave that job because it is too good to pass up, and there is no chance I would find a job that would pay at least half of what I earn now."
"So I chose to break up with her because she wouldn’t back down with that demand."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITAH?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"She's got a lot of growing to do still, let her go."
"Keep the job and the bag."
"You're setting up for a financially secure retirement, investments, or whatever you want."
"In this economy, that's a blessing!"
"One of my friends has a job at sea; he's gone for months at a time."
"Know what his now-wife did?"
"Supports his career because the benefits are insane!!!"
"They also paid for their dream destination wedding (we talk about it years later!), remodeled their home, and still have a ton of money saved."
"She's a nurse with young kids, so she's holding it down while he's gone."
"Yes, she misses him when he's not home, but when he retires in a few years, their kids' college funds are set 💯 and for her, that's worth the time apart." ~ FlexAfterDark69
"NTA."
"My gf told me that she can’t handle being by herself these 2weeks while I’m at sea."
"That's ridiculous."
"If you were away for six months, she might have a point, but it's only two weeks."
"Would she have dumped you if you had stayed in the hospital for surgery?"
"Also, two weeks on, four weeks off is a great deal, especially with the high rate of pay."
"Asking you to give up a job that helps set you up for the future is crazy, especially in the current job market." ~ FatBloke4
"My spouse does the versions where gone at sea for 110-120 days."
"I will tell you they told me this nearly first thing, to be sure I was ok with it."
"Yes, I am."
"I love alone time, and we aren’t having any kids!"
"Ahoy, go make us some money, matey, so we can take trips."
"I work full time as well." ~ rrresistance
"NTA. You had a whole month at a time to be home with her, and no job to report to while you were there!"
"That’s a lot of companionship for any couple."
"I understand that the other two weeks might not have been ideal (some people really, really hate being alone, especially at night), but it still sounds a lot better than, say, a military deployment."
"Personally, I despise 'me or else' ultimatums and will choose the 'or else' option every time." ~ Snail-O
"What a silly billy to put your income and financial stability up against 2 weeks."
"I just came home from 2 1/2 weeks of diving, where my fiance couldn't join because he had a bunch of work, and I had the chance to go with a really good friend of mine, who I hadn't seen in 2 years."
"How boring can a person be, that they can't occupy themselves for 2 weeks? NTA." ~ Mesapholis
"NAH. I wouldn't call either of you AH's."
"My dad used to work on an oil rig and would be away for a month at a time, and while it was tough, we adjusted and learned to deal with it."
"Also, you’re both still young, so I can understand why she would say something silly like an ultimatum, which would never work."
"At the end of the day, your lifestyles just didn’t align, and that’s completely fair." ~ UnableSale260
"Listen - loving someone means wanting them to be happy and successful, and sometimes that means she won’t get exactly what she wants every minute of every day."
'She is prioritizing her entertainment over your career and long-term happiness - RUN."
"Also agree with the above poster, how boring must someone be to not be able to keep themselves busy for a couple of weeks?!?" ~ vhbarnaby
"What did you expect when dating a 21-year-old?"
"I remember myself at 21, a child man."
"So it doesn’t surprise me that she would expect this, give her a few years to mature, and it won’t be an issue.. cause two weeks not seeing each other is really not that big of a deal for grown-ups, at least."
"I’m not saying 5 years difference is big, but it’s more about where you guys are."
"At 26, you are mature (or should be), a bit more understanding, LOGICAL, etc."
"At 21, not so much." ~ LibrarianExisting915
"You're NTA, you're just not right for each other right now."
"At least she's being honest with you and isn't cheating on you to fill the lonely gaps."
"If you're going to date anyone, you need someone who's willing to be alone more than with you."
"Maybe a flight attendant or someone who travels often."
"Since most oil rig workers don't do that job very long, maybe you'll be back on land in a few years and can try again when things are more stable if you're both single." ~ MonstersAtOurDoor
"NTA. Your girlfriend clearly wants someone who isn't away for longer periods, which is valid. But letting you choose between her and your job is an a**hole-move." ~ Jediknight3112
"NTA. That’s not a reasonable request of someone at this stage of their life."
"Ultimatums and threats to end relationships are manipulative, and I think you made the right call to choose your career and get out."
"She doesn’t have the right to control you or your life just because she is your girlfriend." ~ PalpitationMuted9816
"You answered your own question, I think."
"These offshore jobs pay crazy money, but I am not sure how long the lifespan of the job will be."
"It's super dangerous, too."
"But you love it, and it pays extremely well."
"If she can not live with that, then she will have to live without you, I guess." ~ RevealActive4557
"NTA, I had a friend who worked on the sea."
"His GF gave him the same ultimatum."
"He agreed to finish after the next shift."
"When he came home, he managed to find a decent job, but it was a definite pay drop, and he had to do a lot of overtime to climb the ladder."
"After 6 months, he came home to find another man in his house."
"This guy told my friend to just walk away; his GF had made her choice."
"My friend then went out and hung himself." ~ doc_dogg
"In reality, most likely, you spent more time with her during the 4 weeks home than if you were to work a full-time job every week."
"This is on her; basically, your goals did not align." ~ Huntertanks
OP came back for a chat...
"I wanted to clarify that I called her daily after my shift ended, always spent as much time as possible together while I was home, and I have always been supportive."
"First of all, thank you for the support."
"I appreciate it."
"Second, a few things I wanted to say..."
"We live in a small town, but there is plenty to do."
"Besides, I always encouraged her to find hobbies or go out with friends."
"I even went to therapy to fix my trust issues and jealousy, so I wouldn’t overthink and worry."
"The funny thing is that when we started dating, I was gone for 4/6 weeks at a time, and I worked my a** off to get to 2 weeks of work rotation, so I feel a little bit unappreciated, and disappointed."
"Besides that, there was a shadow of doubt if I did the right thing, which is why I posted here, so like I said, I really appreciate the support from all of you."
"So, a lot of people are saying I’m being cold for saying that she has to deal with it on her own."
"I didn’t leave her because of that, but because of the ultimatum."
"I was always open to help with her struggles, and I tried to do everything I could to make her feel less lonely, but in the end, she was certain that she was feeling that way because of my absence, no place for talk or understanding."
It sounds like you worked it out, OP.
You did what you had to do.
She is going to have to fix her own issues.
Reddit is with you.
Good luck with the job.
