Trust and communication are two key facets of every successful and healthy relationship, regardless of how long the two people remain together.
If one person cannot trust the other, communicate without lying, or they feel the need to control the relationship through withholding information or gaslighting, then the relationship is doomed, argued the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor PigletResponsible991 thought he was in a good long-term relationship with his girlfriend, but he became increasingly concerned about weekly "meetings" they had to make sure they were on the same page with each other, and his girlfriend started claiming he said and did things that he did not remember.
When he discovered a whole folder of references to his behavior and commentary, the Original Poster (OP) was creeped out and wondered what his girlfriend's end goal was.
He asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by being creeped out after discovering my girlfriend keeps a 'log book' of our conversations, and I feel like I'm losing my ability to remember things correctly?"
The OP had unusual weekly meetings with his girlfriend to ensure they were "in alignment."
"I don’t really know how to start this. I’m a pretty logical guy, I think, but as of late, I honestly feel like I’m glitching."
"My girlfriend is pretty great, and our relationship has been really good these past three years."
"But we have these 'alignment meetings' every Sunday that she INSISTS on. She says it’s for 'healthy communication.'"
"But here's the weird part: if I bring up something she said, she’ll pull out a notebook, or a spreadsheet on her laptop, and show me her notes, indicating that she did not say that."
When they had these meetings, the OP was concerned by his girlfriend's "receipts."
"They're so specific, too. For example, she'll say something like, 'Actually, at 6:15 PM on Tuesday, you agreed to come with me to the party at Caitlyn's and Ryan's (her coworkers). Here is the transcript of what you said.'"
"The thing is... I don't remember saying ANY of that. I don't even like her coworkers; they bore me into a coma and make me want to drink pints of vodka. I could have sworn I said I couldn't go because I had work stuff to catch up on, but that she should absolutely still go and have a great time."
"But she has it written down. She's even had little audio snippets she’s recorded 'for context.'"
"When I tell her that I feel like I'm being interrogated, she gets really, really nice and says something like, 'I'm just worried about your memory, babe. You've been under so much stress with your work; I’m just trying to keep us on the same page. And I love you.'"
But then the OP found something that really gave him pause.
"Also, last thing, I found a folder on her computer yesterday labeled 'Language Calibration.'"
"Which is strange... but what's really messing with me is it's full of notes and descriptions of how I respond to certain words, AND it looked like she categorized my moods based on my text syntax."
"I feel like I’m living in a lab. Am I being paranoid? I feel like I'm losing my mind, and I keep going back and forth in my head between 'I'm just being paranoid,' and 'No, this is actually really weird.'"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some thought this must be an extreme gaslighting situation.
"This sounds like she is seeing how far she can gaslight you. I don’t like it."
"Does anyone else think you have memory problems? Like at work, etc?" - Sudden_Albatross_726
"I’d be wanting to record some interactions to compare with what she says later. Maybe that’s not very practical, but it feels very much like OP should know whether he’s got some serious memory issues or a seriously scary girlfriend who’s making things up." - Upbeat-Employ-3689
"She is gaslighting the h**l out of you. Get out now!!!" - Substantial_Toe_6916
"Hey OP, I have a history of concussions and have some short-term memory issues."
"If you have a memory issue, it will reflect in all facets of your life. Do you find you're forgetting or losing track of basic duties at work? Do you feel like you need to write lists and keep visual cues and reminders in order to function properly? Does the extra effort you expend to function normally drain your energy faster?"
"I keep extensive lists and post-it notes for visual cues and memory triggers at work, even with a schedule and routine I can pretty easily lose track of what I'm doing."
"If you had noticeable memory issues, then this would be showing everywhere in life, not just in your relationship. For someone to track and record this extensively, I would expect an equal amount of concern to seek medical attention and assistance in day-to-day activities to relieve mental load. Not as a way to control and dictate a situation." - LycheeEyeballs
"OP should start taking detailed notes of their conversations for comparison at their weekly meetings." - Endless-OOP-Loop
Others offered suggestions for what the OP should say to his girlfriend next.
"Tell her, 'Hey, honey. We need to talk. I notice you're using notes to record the substance of our conversations, and I also saw the 'language calibration' folder on the computer. This stuff makes me feel like I'm at work, permanently being called into meetings by HR. I don't want to live like that. Do you think you can give up your notes and computer folders? If you really need that to feel safe, then I feel we may not be suited for each other.'"
"Aaaaaaaaand... see how the conversation develops." - Dangerous_Mud4749
"Start taking notes on her. Record all of your conversations as if it's a psychiatric meeting because that's exactly what this sounds like." - alchemyandarsenic
"In your sweetest voice, tell her, 'No darling, as I have noted here, we spoke about this a week ago, and you agreed that my notes are of utmost importance for keeping a healthy relationship.'" - DerTrickIstZuAtmen
"Don't forget to record that conversation and send minutes back to her so you can confirm notes!" - jiyax33634
"My ex would insist to me that things happened before when they didn’t. I feel like if I didn’t have a great memory, I probably would’ve bought into his manipulation. People like that will do anything to protect their perception and control the narrative. They’re not concerned with actually having an equal ot respectful partnership." - mymanonwillpower
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
"Hey everyone... just wanted to post a quick update and say thanks for all the input. Honestly, it seriously opened my eyes to how messed up things actually were... And thanks for not completely roasting me and calling me a dumba** even if you were all definitely thinking it."
"Reading through the comments really was a shock at first. I brought it up to her yesterday and asked about the log book and the notes..."
"She didn't get mad. Actually, she didn't really show any emotion whatsoever on her face at first. It was weird, it was almost like she wasn't sure how to feel about it, and just looked at me. Then she basically said that what she did was for my benefit and because she wanted to be the 'perfect girlfriend.'"
"Which, okay, maybe that's what it was, but it was just taken waaay too far. But I'm also very laid back and really couldn't care less about perfect, and I've mentioned that and she KNOWS that, and I brought that up."
"Then, she said she just has anxiety and wanted to make sure she 'said the right things' so we wouldn't fight."
"And I thought about that too, but it didn't add up. I've literally never gotten angry or fought with anyone, let alone her, since we've been together. It's just not who I am. I don't really get angry; I'm generally unfazed by most things."
"I told her I needed some space and I thought it would be best if I moved out for the time being and that I was going to grab some stuff after we were done talking and then I'd arrange to get the rest in the very near future when I could."
"NO EMOTION from her whatsoever. It was the strangest thing I have ever experienced. That’s when I realized I wasn’t in a normal relationship anymore."
"She was like, 'If that's what you want to do when someone is here just trying to be supportive and help you become the best version of yourself.'"
"I can't really describe it, you had to be there. All I know is the whole thing was REALLY off."
"I feel kinda stupid for letting it drag on this long, but mostly, I'm just relieved to be out of there and able to just think. I really appreciate the reality check you all gave me, and I'm so grateful for the time you took to comment and share your thoughts."
One Redditor was creeped out and asked a clarifying question.
"This is so creepy. Has she always been this deadpan? Or is this robotic nature a new thing?" - Medium_Feeling_4878
The OP responded:
"No, definitely a new thing. I never saw anything even remotely close to this with her before."
Fellow Redditors were creeped out by the follow-up post and believed the girlfriend was being so apathetic now because she'd been caught in the act.
"What changed could have very well been just OP questioning the logbook and the relationship. I've seen similar things in people when they turn off the charming mask after I've called them out for being toxic. Now of course I don't know her or her situation, but within the context of the story given, it doesn't feel out of place really." - Jazzlike_Use_5890
"I dated a guy who did underhanded emotional manipulation, and when I broke up with him, he seriously was like a robot. It was so freaking weird, like he knew I wasn’t going to buy into it anymore, so why bother engaging 'emotion.' Nah, dog, I get it." - Tall-Gold466
"I made a comment on your last post, worried about the behavior and that she was using it to gaslight/steer things how she wanted. Someone else pushed back really hard, since she was so nice and kind about the majority of it. I tried to explain to them how some of the most successful serial killers were known as likeable and charming. That many of them had long-term relationships/spouses that had no idea and thought they were good partners because they were attentive and helpful."
"I know it was taking things a bit of a step too far, but I just wanted to make my point that nice and kind doesn't always mean the person is good or doing things for good reasons. That the behaviour she was showing was really worrisome and honestly gave me the chills. Now I don't feel so far off. Glad you decided to get out! I was truly worried about it all." - IndigoTJo
"Something tells me this chick’s emotional capacity is completely artificial and surface-level. She cannot form meaningful relationships without extreme manipulation and control." - kmark2688
"I suspect that’s her way of dealing with stress. By being completely in control of her mask. Inside, she’s probably raging, but has it in her head that it’s a sign of lack of control."
"She says all that she’s doing is for your benefit. But you don’t want it. It seems like she handles disagreements terribly because she avoids conflict by rigidly smiling instead."
"And even though you don’t want her to do any of these things, she’s continuing. She sounds incredibly controlling." - writesgud
"It sounds like she’s a sociopath. Her whole relationship with you, she wore a mask, and then she got caught by you (when she never thought she would, otherwise she would have been more 'on it' during her explanation, and she wouldn’t have let her mask drop)."
"That deadpan expression is her mask dropping by. You caught her, so why keep it up? Her response to you leaving and breaking up was just a last-ditch effort of manipulation to see if she could gain some control."
"Also, the reason she expressed no emotion at first and just stared at you blankly was because she was trying to read you to get a gauge on how she thinks you’d want her to react (because all her reactions are carefully constructed as she is a sociopath). Hope this gives u some insight and explains some things." - unfiltered_utterance
"I've known some folks officially diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder. This is EXACTLY how it manifests when they are 'found out.' I would not recommend continuing the relationship in any form."
"Even though folks with ASPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder) actually ARE capable of functional and at least not harmful if not fully healthy relationships, they need to be the kind of person who has realized that is what they actually want and is willing to be honest with their partner."
"She is not being honest with you; she is manipulating you. Therefore, she has proven herself to be an unsafe partner."
"I would not give her any more opportunities to affect you emotionally, and ideally cut her off entirely. If you can leave the rest of your things behind, don't go back." - ArsenicArts
The subReddit was deeply weirded out by how the OP's girlfriend treated him from the beginning, but their feelings of dread and creep factor intensified when they read the OP's update.
It seemed the ex-girlfriend was overly invested in keeping track of her boyfriend's reactions, suggesting at minimum a lack of trust and at worst, an intense desire to control him. The OP was absolutely right to take a step back.
