The foundation of any strong relationship is trust, but what do you do when that trust is suddenly broken?
Redditor "throwra_wheredshego" posed on the "Relationship Advice" subReddit after he caught his girlfriend lying about where she was one afternoon. But the real problem was how to confront her, as he'd also have to reveal that he was looking at engagement rings.
The Redditor asked the thread:
"My girlfriend told me she was with a friend, but that friend was with me picking out an engagement ring. How do I confront my girlfriend about her lie?"
The Redditor found himself preparing for one of the happiest occasions of his life.
"I (28[Male]) am planning on proposing to my girlfriend of 3 years (26[Female]). Now, I suck at picking out jewelry."
Whenever he wants to get his girlfriend jewelry, he reaches out to their friends.
"[I'm] the type of guy that doesn't see a problem with heart shaped jewelry (seriously why is it considered so ugly?) so every time I want to buy something for my girl, I usually consult one of our mutual friends."
"My girl's best friends are all friends with me as well and we all get along well, so asking them for help picking out jewelry is something I'm used to."
So when it came time to pick out this particular piece of jewelry, he knew who he had to ask.
"When it came time to pick out a ring, I consulted my girlfriends best friend Justine (fake name)."
"Justine and I are quite close and she knows my girlfriend better than anyone, including me. So, when my girlfriend when out to visit her sister and baby nephew, I invited Justine over to the house to help pick out a ring."
"Justine and I looked through a few catalogues, but decided it was a dead end and it would be better to go to professionals at a jewelry store."
"However, I didn't know when my girlfriend would be coming home, so Justine and I thought of a clever text to gauge how much time we had. I asked her when she'd be coming home, as I was ordering takeout and wanted to know when to tell them to have the food ready by."
When he texted his girlfriend about dinner plans, he received a very surprising text.
"She responded by saying it would be a few hours, she met up with Justine to go shopping."
"Now, obviously this took me by surprise since Justine was standing inside my house."
"I showed Justine the text, and she looked as confused as I was."
"It isn't out of the ordinary for my girlfriend to meet up with people out of the blue like that for shopping, lunch, etc. She's a very spontaneous person and loves making plans on the fly."
"So ordinarily, I would have believed this text in a heartbeat. However, obviously this had to be a lie."
It seemed like everything was as it should be when his girlfriend got home.
"When she came home she acted completely normal, and I played along but it's been really hard to act like everything's fine."
"We got takeout, ate together, and cuddled on the couch after. So far she's caught on a little that somethings upsetting me, but I just can't tell her what. Looking at her kills me."
But now the Redditor can't get the lie off of his mind.
"I don't know what to do. My girlfriend and I have zero trust issues and we tell each other everything, so this lie is killing me."
"I want to ask her about it so bad, but if I tell her I knew she was lying, I'd have to explain why, and I really don't want to do that."
"What do I do? I know she lied to me but I don't know how to confront her about it. Should I just forget it? This won't stop gnawing at me. Please help!"
Fellow Redditors wrote in anonymously on the OP's (Original Poster's), offering their support and advice on what to do next.
Some believed the worst and figured the OP had caught his girlfriend cheating.
"Jesus Chr*st man. You are worried about her finding out about you looking at engagement rings, when there's a possibility you just caught her cheating on you. Come on dude. Get your priorities straight."
"You could ask her what she got up to with Justine. Let her go into detail about her day. Then say 'that's weird, cos Justine was here with me when you said you were with her'." - bapadious
"Right? In all likelihood she's cheating. Why else do people lie about what they're doing and who they're with? Yeah, ok I could think of a few, but it's the most likely explanation. Don't let her gas light you either. The onus is on her to prove where she was. Do not just let this go." - john_tkitez
"It's possible she was out with HIS best friend picking out an engagement ring because she was tired of waiting for him to propose???"
"Nah just kidding, she is probably cheating." - Redd_81
A few hoped she was out looking for a gift for the OP, too, and wanted to surprise him.
"What if she was picking out a ring for him?"
"Now that'd be a wholesome twist" - rathat
"It would be funny if she were out ring-shopping for him with his best friend, and they both escalate their lies to each other trying to keep the surprise, and end up convincing each other they are having affairs." - ScreamBiscuit
A few gave suggestions as to how to ask the girlfriend without giving away the surprise.
"'Hey gf. I was hanging out with Justine today because I wanted her opinion on something that I was hoping to get for you. That being said - why did you tell me you were hanging out with Justine?'" - bearbear407
"You don't have to disclose anything about the ring. And you don't have to lie."
"Tell her you know she wasn't with Justine, beyond a shadow of a doubt. Then explain the situation you're in to her."
"'I know you lied to me. I know you weren't with Justine. I need you to explain exactly why you lied and what you were doing. If you don't do that, I'm left with only assumptions, and I can only assume the worst because I know that you lied to me. Help me out here, please.'"
"She's not really in any position to demand answers. If she asks how you know that, frankly, you're in a perfectly reasonable position to tell her it doesn't matter how you know, it only matters that you know." - PartysaurusRexx
It's an especially complicated situation, since the Redditor doesn't want to reveal his proposal plans to his girlfriend. But obviously, he needs to find a way to talk to her about this, or it could mess up their whole relationship.
So he did (find a way) and provided a new update to Reddit.
"I decided to confront my girlfriend. I thought about using some of the lies people suggested, but they just wouldn't make sense. To say I ran into Justine somewhere: well, I told my girl I had to stay home and do stuff around the house, and that's why I couldn't go with her to see my SIL."
"To say Justine was helping me pick out jewelry: it doesn't make sense for her to come all the way to our house to help me pick out a piece of jewelry unless it was a serious piece of jewelry (like an engagement ring)."
"If I just wanted to get her a piece of jewelry as a gift, I'd ask her friends for suggestions or ask them to send me pictures of jewelry she might like. It all happens over text. None of the excuses made sense."
"So, I decided to be honest."
"I basically just said that I knew we'd been thinking about marriage and she probably knew a proposal was coming soon so I invited Justine over to help me find her the perfect ring, and that so happened to be the day that she said she was going to see her, so... what's the deal?"
"She immediately started grinning like an idiot and prodding me about proposing and the ring, but then we got back onto the topic of where she was and she confessed what she was really doing. No, she wasn't cheating, and no, she wasn't picking out a ring for me (the amount of times that was commented was crazy)."
"So, some people are dog people and some people are cat people. Well, me, I'm a snake person. I grew up with snakes my whole life."
"But I never felt I was able to get one because my girlfriend has always been uneasy about living with a snake which I completely respected. Also, the process of buying and raising a snake is very different than that of buying and raising a dog or cat. It's quite complicated."
"So you could imagine my surprise when my girlfriend showed me a picture of her holding the cutest Kenyan sand boa I have EVER SEEN!"
"Needless to say, my girlfriend was going to surprise me with a snake! We're picking her up next week (let me know if you want a pet tax [Reddit term for if you mention a pet we want to see the pet], she's so cute)."
"I definitely did not expect this and I feel bad for ruining the surprise, but oh well. Life is good! Sorry if this isn't the ending you guys wanted or expected, just a snake haha."
Best of luck to the new family!
(not the actual danger noodle, but how we'd like to imagine it)
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.