Weddings are typically a special day for the betrothed and family. An event to celebrate things that do not have a price tag, like love, happiness, and the start of a family.
What if overbearing parents had a different view? If they saw it as a time to collect money and gifts?
Redditor bellayouarethemoon looked to the “Am I The *A**hole” (AITA) subreddit for judgement on a situation when her parents focused on guests’ gifts more than the wishes of the bride and groom.
“AITA for telling my parents they’re not going to be collecting off of my wedding?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“By collecting I mean.. every wedding, communion, confirmation, and graduation party where they had to give a gift they’ve been tallying over the years. They think that everyone ‘owes’ them for the money they’ve shelled out and that they’ll get their return when I have my own wedding.”
”They don’t want my money, they want me to have everyone else’s money… so they expect me to invite distant family members, their personal friends, and neighbors I’ve never even talked to for more than 10 minutes in my life. All because they had to go to theirs and give a gift.”
“I went to my cousins wedding that had at least 100 people attending. No one would let the bride just sit and eat. She didn’t get to have fun until what seemed like the end of the night. I really don’t want that.”
“So I was on the phone with my mom yesterday and she said she just got an invite to a neighbors baby shower. I light heartedly made a joke that they already collected on those neighbors going to my grad party.”
”She was like oh no we didn’t. They’re going to be invited to your wedding too. Each person in the household gave me $100 each ($500 total) for my grad party.”
”They went to both daughters weddings, where they gave them money so I feel like they ‘collected’ on that. I told her no. That people don’t give gifts to get something in return.”
“I was on speaker and my dad heard. He said I didn’t have a choice and I told him it’s not happening. I want a small intimate wedding with 50 people at most.”
”Our friends. Our immediate family. Not people I see on holiday once every year or two, which means even my family members are getting the cut.”
”That’s not to be malicious or hurtful. I’m not worried about money and gifts. I literally can’t wait to be married to my fiance and I want people who are active in our day to day lives to be present.”
“They said they would pay for everything and I said no! I told them it wasn’t their wedding and they don’t have ownership of my guest list.”
”They told me that I would be damaging relationships with family and their friends (most of them I NEVER see) if everyone wasn’t invited. I told them I didn’t care. So they both think I’m a selfish *sshole.”
”I think they’re the AH but I feel guilty because I’m really close to my parents being that I’m an only child. Ugh, AITA?”
Op added additional edits after some comments came in.
“Never gave anything they couldn’t afford. But I think kept expectations that what they give as gifts would be a return for me. That someone else would help me out.”
”At least that’s what I think they’re trying to have me understand. I just see it as a choice they made together.”
”I wasnt invited to those weddings. I want my own people at my gatherings. Bring a gift or don’t, I really don’t care just celebrate my wedding.”
Redditors were asked to pass judgement by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided this to-be bride was NTA for not wanting to monetize her wedding.
“NTA. They think you are selfish? If only they could hear themselves. Selfish for not wanting to shake everyone down for money.”~DannyBigD
“NTA- this is common practice in my culture and I hate it. My bf already let me know that if we get married we’ll have to have a big wedding (think around 300 people) because ‘his parents went to a lot of weddings’. I already dread it because I know I will feel uncomfortable around so many strangers. Honestly good for you for standing your ground.”~Zsu17
“Wow. NTA. It’s your wedding. It’s your life. Your parents have no input on the guest list. Also, what an atrocious reason to invite someone!”
”They’re not insisting on inviting family and friends because they value them. They want compensation?! Nope nope nope.”~NoInevitable1806
“It’s a pretty simple rule. The people who get to decide who goes to a wedding are the people whose wedding it is. NTA.”~needamemorablename
“NTA – who actually keeps track of all the wedding, baby shower, birthday gifts they give our over their lifetime hoping to recoup some of that at a later date? Such a weird way to view the world.”~bek410
The OP returned with an update.
“Based on the responses, I guess I’m not the a**hole here but I plan to have a heart to heart with both parents about the importance of a small wedding.”
“Suggesting a separate dinner is an idea but I don’t want anyone to feel obligated to bring a gift since they aren’t invited to the wedding itself.”
“I don’t see myself compromising on a guest list. The relatives that may be offended are ones I see once a year for Christmas (grandparents siblings and their kids who also have kids).”
“But drawing the line there is what stops the list from growing and growing.”
”I hope to try and explain that in a way that doesn’t sound like: ‘well if I invited you then I would have to invite your children.’ Using covid is a good idea.”
”But I plan to have the wedding not this year or next so that (fingers crossed) wearing a mask will be something of the past!”
“I will try to remember to update after I get married! Thank you for taking the time to reply.”
The last edit was a bit more humorous, either way our lips are sealed!
“No I am not a part of the mafia.”
A wedding is a special time for the couple to celebrate their commitment, not to, as this poster put it, “collect”.