Bathroom habits are an awkward topic of discussion.
They can be exceptionally uncomfortable in a romantic relationship.
The bathroom is a room where people tend to keep personal matters private.
However, like every other room, sometimes conversations about certain topics are inevitable.
Redditor RollLongjumping3937 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not wanting to use a bidet every time I pee and feeling micromanaged about toilet paper?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My husband (23 M[ale]) and I (24 F[eamle]) have lived together for 1.5 years since we got married in 2024."
"The topic of conversation has come up before, less about T[oilet] P[aper] and more just upset with me that I don’t use the bidet."
"Today, he got upset with me over how much toilet paper I use, as the toilet got clogged."
"I explained to him that I didn’t use an abnormal amount (I just went pee) and that I did notice the water in the toilet was low before I went, so maybe it was already clogged."
"He responded by saying that I need to use less toilet paper and start using the bidet instead."
"But, as a woman and with my anatomy, I just find using the bidet when I pee an inconvenience."
"It’s great if you’re on your cycle, etc, but for daily pee usage, I don’t want to be more wet than I already am."
"I explained that using the bidet would just cause me to use more toilet paper as I have more to dry off, and he got upset, saying that I’m 'being too defensive.'”
"He said that’s not the case, and I should be using less toilet paper, but the bidet we have just sprays too much and doesn’t angle right, and we have a high toilet, and I’m short, so it’s just kind of sucky for me to try and use."
"Whatever, though, right?"
"I told him that I would try to use less toilet paper, being considerate of how he feels, and he said, 'Well, I’m sure I’ll notice then.'”
"Why are we keeping an eye on the toilet paper?"
"He said that we go through 2-4 rolls a week, which I think is pretty normal for two people, but that he 'should notice we aren’t going through so much' since I said I would try to use less."
"Overall, this just made me feel a bit micromanaged and gave me a bit of anxiety."
"I don’t want to have to think about that stuff… I just want to pee when I need to and have literally zero concern about this stuff."
"Was my defensiveness out of line?"
"I explained to him the bidet situation, told him I would try to use less TP, but that I don’t think it’s fair to 'monitor' the toilet paper, etc."
"He said I’m too 'sensitive' about these things."
"He also made a statement about how he’s just annoyed/frustrated because 'white people won’t use bidets,' (he’s Asian), but it’s not even like that."
"I use it for other things when I need to, just not on a daily basis."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I the A**hole?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Incredibly controlling and demeaning behavior."
"And she must be used to being treated in this degrading and dehumanizing way, or she would have told him to f**k right off out of her bathroom business." ~ imjustapersontoo
"This is exactly what I came here to say!"
"OP is talking about toilet paper when the real issue is this man's authoritarian attitude."
"The nerve of this guy chastising his own wife for not doing things exactly the way he wants."
"And I'm willing to bet this is not a one-off."
"He's probably like this across the board!"
"Seriously, I think OP needs to stop worrying so much about this one argument and start concerning herself more with this guy's entitled attitude."
"Next time he starts that bulls**t just put your hand up and tell him to shut the hell up." ~ KathyOverAndOut
"The toilet was already clogged. He is probably the one who clogged it and left it."
"He’s shifting the blame to you over toilet paper."
"Unless you’re fisting an entire roll down the bowl, there is no f**king possible way to clog a toilet after peeing and wiping."
"This dude is trash."
"Controlling and manipulative." ~ Heronymous-Anonymous
"Please, please, please, whatever you do, guard your birth control like your sanity depends on it! "
"If this is how he argues about toilet paper, how the hell would he be about anything kid-related?!?"
"If you ever decide to leave him, you’ll never be free of his micromanaging craziness if there are kids involved." ~ Alwaysaprairiegirl
"My friend."
"Women use more toilet paper when they pee because we wipe after peeing."
"Also, during the menstrual cycle, we need toilet paper to clean, regardless of what you use - pads, tampons, or cups."
The bidet is for bowel movements. Cleans and dries, neat.
"You absolutely do not want the spray going up your urethra or into your vaginal canal."
"That's a great way to get infections."
"Using toilet paper as needed is correct, and he's an a**hole for suggesting otherwise." ~ Late_Resource_1653
"Yeah, OP, listen to these people."
"Your husband's controlling attitude about the way that you use the toilet is way over the top."
"I don't know if this controlling, judgmental behavior bleeds over into other areas of your life, but if it does, it is a huge red flag".
"Do you want to live the rest of your life like this?"
"You're only 24!"
"I can't imagine... NTA." ~ incognito_autistic
"This is emotional abuse."
"You are understandably normalising because the thought of leaving your husband and starting again is daunting."
"But it’s what you need to do."
"Speaking as someone who lived with abuse far longer than I should have."
"Guard your birth control with your life, don’t be ashamed to leave an abusive marriage- it’s brave and the right thing to do." ~ MysteryInTheWoods
"NTA, Women need more toilet paper than men."
"Tell him if he keeps trying to control your toilet paper usage, you will just free bleed on everything once a month."
"See how he likes having blood all over his car seats, couch, bed, and floors."
"Yes, it is a fact that women use more toilet paper than men."
"Even when we aren't on our periods, we still release fluids that have nothing to do with urine."
"I would also point out that using a bidet on anything other than your bottom is actually VERY dangerous."
"If you get contaminated water up your vagina or urethra, you can get sick and or infected."
"It's dehumanizing and for him not to believe your experience."
"You're not a child."
"You're a grown adult!"
"He doesn't get to decide he knows your body better than you do." ~ Lighthouse_on_Mars
"NTA. It's weird and gross that he's mansplaining how to wipe your own pee."
"Bidets are amazing, and I will die on that hill, but they are useless for pee."
"You just get everything wetter than it is for no reason."
"That said, 2-4 rolls a week sounds like a lot to me for two people, especially if he's barely using any between penis privilege and hosing his @ss off after poops."
"What do you consider a normal amount of toilet paper for a pee?"
"I think like 3-4 sheets?"
"Maybe you should threaten to switch to reusable toilet paper and see if he changes his tune all of a sudden."
"That, or he can shell out for a bidet with a drying function since this bothers him so badly." ~ peony_chalk
"NTA. Men don't understand how it works. I've heard this argument so much, especially during COVID and the toilet paper shortage."
"So many dumb comments from men - 'How much are you shitting?!?'"
"Men only use toilet paper when they poop."
"So for them, a roll of TP lasts quite a while."
"Women also use it for that - but also every time they pee, and way more when they're on their period."
"Women go through it four/five times faster - not because we're wasteful, but because it's simply how it works."
"It's what we need for hygiene."
"It's not a waste if it's actually being used for its intended purpose."
"And even if you do use a bidet, sometimes you still need to dry off, so you're still going to use some paper."
"Honestly, we go through about a roll a day in my house, sometimes more."
"I don't think anyone is wasting it or being irresponsible with it."
"It's just normal use."
"He is way out of line."
"You are NOT being too sensitive."
"Maybe you do have a plumbing issue, and if that's the concern, I understand - but the solution then is to get the plumbing fixed."
"And in the meantime, just put it in the trash can instead of flushing it."
"A lot of countries have plumbing issues, and it's the norm to put paper in the trash instead of flushing."
"He should not be micromanaging your toilet paper use."
"You are not a child."
"You know what you need to do for your own body."
"He should not be involved in these decisions in any way, shape, or form."
"He is way out of line." ~ Money-Possibility606
"You're nicer than me."
"If my husband started micromanaging my TP use, I'd say no."
"If he kept complaining, my use would go up."
"I'd use it for everything I could until he stopped bothering me."
"I'd use it instead of paper towels, make decorations, a crappy blanket, seat covers, and curtains."
"Also could have been his poop that clogged the toilet." ~ peoriagrace
Reddit is 1000% on your side, OP.
Your hubby is completely out of line.
Who cares that deeply about toilet paper?
This conversation may need a deeper dive, perhaps with a counselor.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp