When people suggest that you live with someone before you agree to marry them, it's because they hope you'll uncover anything unsavory about living with them before making it permanent.
Maybe you hate the way they eat. Maybe they fold their fitted sheets like a monster.
Maybe they make you sleep on the floor when they work the night shift, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Cucumbertrees found herself increasingly frustrated after her boyfriend started a new job that included night shifts. He started to complain about her not letting him get enough sleep.
But when he kicked her out of the bedroom and told her to sleep on the couch or floor, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure what they could do to make this work.
She told the sub:
"AITAH for not agreeing to sleep on the floor?"
The OP had been kicked out of her bedroom for her boyfriend's night shifts.
"My boyfriend (35 Male) works overnight, and every morning between 4:00 AM and 6:00 AM when he's off, I (24 Female) am asked to leave the bedroom so he can receive a good rest."
"Am I selfish for not wanting to leave the bedroom when he comes in from work?"
"He says I'm being selfish whenever I don't leave the room. He says my sleeping beside him makes the room extremely hot and that my movements wake him up."
"But for me, sleeping out in the living room for another few hours is uncomfortable, and I hate it… it's much brighter than our room as our bedroom has blackout curtains. The couch isn't big enough to lay on (it's technically a loveseat), and the floor is way too hard on my body."
The OP didn't feel that her boyfriend was being considerate of her needs.
"We own an air mattress that I could sleep on, but we also have a cat who would pop that baby in an instant."
"We also talked about buying another couch, but he's not willing to contribute to purchasing a couch 'because I'm the one who wants it.'"
"So what do I do in this situation?? I feel it's unfair that I constantly have to sacrifice five to six hours of sleep for myself so that he can have a peaceful eight hours."
"I do also work. It's not overnight like him, but I do work five days a week, 40 hours per week."
"Am I wrong in this situation? And if I am, how should I continue to go about it?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some questioned how the OP could possibly think she was being selfish.
"NTA. This is wild. How can he sit there and call you selfish when he literally kicks you out of bed so he can sleep alone?"
"Why are you with this guy? He clearly doesn't care about your well-being. Move out and find someone who is willing to actually create a pleasant home life with you." - Nobody_asked_me1990
"This seems to be a pretty common theme with couples that have a 'big' age difference. For some reason, these older dudes feel the need to push their younger partners around when they feel like it."
"Tell him to go sleep on the couch or get a hammock or whatever. Why are his needs more important than yours?" - GabagoolMutzadell
"NTA. I'm sorry he's treating you this way."
"Have you been together long? Has he always treated your needs as less than his own? For a man 11 years older than you, he doesn't seem caring or mature."
"Again, I am sorry you are being treated like this." - lynnlugg777
"Leave him and find someone closer to your age who won't think you're naive and easily manipulated due to the age gap. He wouldn't dare to make such a ridiculous demand of someone of a similar age. He'd end up sleeping on the floor or single." - Ehrillien942
"As someone who worked overnights for eight years, you are NTA here. But most people commenting on here don't have a freaking clue how difficult it is to work the night shift and get a decent sleep routine. You are probably included."
"Six to seven hours of sleep on the night shift is a GOOD day. Coming home, showering, probably grabbing a bite to eat, and then winding down as the sun is coming up is SO F**KING HARD, so I can see where he is coming from if you're unconsciously disrupting his winding down time."
"I always slept in a different room, personally, but it sounds like you guys don't have the layout for that to be possible. You guys need to discuss an agreed-upon ROUTINE where you both have to make a bit of sacrifice."
"Does he not get home at the same time every night? 4:00 AM to 6:00 AM is quite a discrepancy as far as when his shift ends. I kind of call bulls**t on that. If it were me, I'd have a set time he comes to bed, say 7:00 AM. Depending on you and your work schedule, you could treat this as your alarm. If he doesn't follow your agreed routine, that's HIS fault." - LookZestyclose1908
Others agreed and wished the OP would reconsider her relationship status.
"So you're just gonna be his doormat? Your quality of sleep doesn't matter? Consider you've moved in with a man who doesn't care about you..." - Cute-Profession9983
"NTA. Why does he want a girlfriend, especially one he lives with, if he doesn't want to sleep next to her?"
"Can he turn on a fan or AC? I get being hot because that's me too, but I just turn the AC on and the girlfriend grabs another blanket or I throw the covers off." - Notpossiblept
"You need to see he's showing you what he thinks you're worth. NTA, but think about it." - Last-Pipe7655
"It looks like you're not ready to live together."
"And if this attitude of his continues (unwilling to compromise, only thinking about what he wants and needs), then it looks like you will never be ready to live together."
"Some couples have trouble sharing a bed, but they can still have a healthy relationship because they know how to find a solution that works for both of them."
"Kicking you out and not participating in finding a solution to your problem other than to kick you out is selfish of your boyfriend. That's not the behavior of someone who cares about your well-being, to be perfectly honest." - charmer143
"Oh no no no. NTA. I work nights, and my husband's alarm for his job goes off about an hour after I get home. I'd rather die than bother him with only that much sleep left."
"I either stay awake (in the other room) or sleep on the couch myself if I'm too sleepy. His alarm wakes me up anyway (not his fault; I'm a light sleeper), but I have the rest of the day to sleep."
"You should dump him and find someone who actually cares about you." - Perfect-Map-8979
"The relationship sounds very red flaggy from this snapshot, but so did my sister's when she first moved in with her boyfriend. It's next door to his parents, and his mother caused a lot of problems and discomfort for my sister, and the boyfriend wasn't willing to do much about it."
"There were other problems too, a lot to do with sharing space, and my sister decided to move out, but they didn't break up."
"They gave themselves a couple more years, and then she moved back in, and it's so far been great for the last two or three years. They were always a good match, just not ready to live together until they'd matured a bit more."
"If OP's boyfriend cares and WANTS her to live with him, then he'll help find a compromise that makes them both happy." - Rile_E
After receiving feedback, the OP offered some clarifications and shared an update.
"Thank you everyone for the feedback. I want to clarify a few points."
"1. I've only been asked to sleep out of the room for the past two nights. 2. He is typically the one to leave the room if he is uncomfortable. 3. He's been on the night shift for the past two weeks."
"4. It's a new job that he has only been working for about three months now."
"5. He pays 70% of the rent, including all the other bills and both our cars insurance. I only pay a small amount for rent."
"6. We have been dating for two and a half years. We met through mutual friends."
"7. I moved into HIS apartment about five months ago."
"We talked about him compromising and going half on a couch, which is still a bit in the air as he has made points of me not paying practically anything every month."
"He says that I make enough money and don't pay any bills to afford a comfortable couch… but he doesn't have the funds to buy one right now as he's salaried and only gets paid once monthly. He said that we could work out the financial arrangement for the couch once he's able to, or I could just pay for one now."
"He's also mentioned that he working on finding another job that pays the same or just as much that isn't a night shift. As far as our sleep arrangements and our schedule, we are working on it."
Based on the information that the OP gave the subReddit in the beginning, it seemed obvious that she was being taken advantage of by her boyfriend, but after some further clarification, it seems the couple is simply in the transition period that happens when going from job to job sometimes.
Hopefully, a little more practice with the routine would make a difference, but a bigger couch wouldn't hurt, either.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.