Content Warning: Abortion, Medical Coercion, Medical Neglect, Toxic Relationships
There are people in the world who only care about keeping someone in their life for as long as they can get something out of them.
This realization is all the more gut-wrenching when sharing a romantic relationship with someone like this, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit, especially when there are children, or potential children, involved.
Redditor Important-Original85 had been with her boyfriend for about two years, and while he had done other questionable things in their relationship, the most hurtful was realizing what he didn't even remember.
When the Original Poster (OP) discovered that he didn't even remember a medical procedure he had previously convinced her to get, she realized how little he must actually care about her.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for being hurt that my boyfriend forgot about my abortion that he wanted?"
The OP was shocked to discover her boyfriend didn't remember an important moment in their relationship.
"Last night, I (28 Female) was in bed with my boyfriend (26 Male). I was chatting generally about pregnancy and how unwell I had been with my son."
"I then mentioned how ill I had been last year when I had gotten pregnant."
"He responded, angrily, 'When were you pregnant? Who by?!'"
"I looked at him, confused, and said, '...You?'"
"He took a few moments and then went, 'Oh, yeah, right.'"
"I said, 'You don’t remember that?'"
"He was like, 'Yeah, sure,' and acted like that didn’t happen."
"This was Christmas 2024. I wanted to have the baby, but we had been early in our relationship (about six months in), and he was very undecided, quite unsupportive, and eventually convinced me to get a termination."
"He changed his mind about 10 times, making the whole process quite a headf**k for me."
"I really didn't want to do it, as I'm in a place where I'd love another child, but having had a kid alone previously, I didn't want to end up a single mother again or have a child with a dad who didn't want them."
The OP's boyfriend seemed like a different boyfriend after the abortion.
"After this experience, I actually really withdrew from the relationship, and that’s when he actually got much more interested and began being a better partner and convinced me to stay with him."
"We’ve been together now for almost two years."
"I haven’t said anything since last night, but I’m hurt he reacted that way. How could he forget that happened?"
"It was traumatic for me, but makes me think the experience was nothing to him, which makes me really dislike him for it, to be honest..."
"I have run through that conversation in my head a lot today. Am I overreacting? I guess he could have honestly forgotten for a second, but wth it wasn’t even long ago."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some were appalled that the OP's boyfriend forgot something like this and urged the OP to leave.
"You need to leave him. It blows my mind that he conveniently forgot that 'little' detail! Also, use birth control until you're with the right partner, one who wants to have a child with you." - SmallNectarine1988
"You are underreacting. He is a horrible piece of s**t and didn't even care about you enough to remember that he convinced you to have it. You really should not be with someone like that." - azrael109
"If getting you pregnant, then making you terminate, and then thinking all that as such an unimportant event, he could forget all about it and even question who was the father, what makes you ever believe he could be at all serious and responsible enough ever sharing parenthood and the long and hard responsibility of it?"
"Him being already 26 makes one think he’ll be mature enough for that maybe in 20 years, if even then. He is not ready for being intimate with any fertile woman since he doesn’t understand the responsibility involved." - emkemkem
"You are underreacting, and your boyfriend is not even remembering that you were pregnant and that he talked you into having an abortion? This is why men should have no say in the matter. They really have no emotional stake; they just don't want to have to be responsible. If it were me, I would leave this piece of s**t." - Mistyam
"Why are you still with this callous person?"
"Especially after the info that he asked her to have an abortion, changed his mind ten times, and didn't even support her through it.
Why would you even stay with someone like that and expect them to be a decent human being down the road?" - Neveronlyadream
"NOR. Sometimes it can be a seemingly small moment that decides us and changes everything. The small things can reveal big truths. What you experienced early in your relationship, that was the true measure of this man."
"And deep down, you’ve known all along that he is weak and selfish. But he was nicer to you, and you weren’t ready to be alone again. But now it’s been some time, and one careless exchange has revealed the truth to you. You are right to have the ick. Any woman in your shoes would. I won’t advise you what to do, but the feelings you have are justified." - apsalarya
Others were similarly disturbed by how unsupportive the boyfriend was in the moments that mattered the most.
"NOR totally. My friend miscarried and had to have an abortion due to her safety, and I still remember the day it happened. Her rainbow baby arrived at the beginning of this month, and I did cry in the hospital meeting him. I know what it took to get him here." - nasty_noggins
"I remember some friends' abortion dates more than their kids' birthdates because of how emotionally heavy those times were. That the person who pushed for it cannot remember that he even impregnated her... horrible." - MeanTemperature1267
"NOR. That is crazy to me. I REMEMBER ALL MY FRIENDS' ABORTIONS!!"
"Not even partners, friends. Because I picked them up from the clinic, I helped with the bleeding, I got them soup and snacks and pads. I can literally remember the date of each of them."
"I would be f**king furious if my partner, the sperm donor, didn't remember such a harrowing procedure. Kick him to the curb." - Provers21-3
"Hon, as a mom of a daughter not much younger than you, I'm saying you deserve so much better. So much better!
He only got better when you pulled away? Ew. He forgot the trauma he put you through? Ew. Throw the whole man away." - Greyeyedqueen7
"OP is definitely NOR! Unless her boyfriend is exhibiting other alarming signs of early-onset Alzheimer's disease, she needs to walk away. He impregnated her, then forgot about it. He coerced her into an abortion, then forgot about it. He doesn't actually take responsibility for these things; he simply forgets about them. Completely! 'ICK!'" - MyztureesUs1
"You absolutely deserve more than someone who doesn’t support you and has an anxious attachment style. If he only improved because you pulled away, he cares about what he can get out of you."
"The fact that he influenced you to abort and magically forgot he did that is very telling. I had to tell another friend this recently, and I’ll share it with you, too. Your relationships are the guidelines on which your child’s relationships will be built on. Do you want to model this type of relationship to your child?"
"If your child were in this type of relationship, would you be happy for them or try to convince them to walk away? You don’t have to do anything immediately, but I hope you think long and hard about it. My friend’s husband is the type of man who watched her blood pressure and heart rate during the delivery of his son, and when it was climbing, he requested she sit out that contraction. I think everyone deserves that type of love." - PerseveranceSmith
"You should not have stayed with this guy after how unsupportive and flaky he was during your pregnancy. When you were at the most vulnerable time a woman could be in he let you down. Forgetting about what happened is just rubbing your nose in it." - DigDugDogDun
After receiving feedback, the OP seemed at peace with moving on and not accepting her boyfriend back into her life again.
"He did completely check out, no support, and even said to me that his ex had had one and it was no big deal. I remember feeling hysterical at the time, trying to explain to him how it was affecting me, and him looking at me like I was crazy."
"I really expected just a little support from him, but I got nothing. No effort until it HAS to be done."
"I can’t believe it all when I look back; this whole conversation has all brought it back to me!"
"I tried to end it back then, and he totally 180’d me after when I ended it, and he realised he f**ked up, but realising now that was pretend because he realised what he was losing."
"He will definitely love bomb me to try to come back, he's done it before, but I think I’m ready for it."
"I have booked a holiday with my son for next week. I’m going to end it and cut all contact; the distraction will hopefully help."
"I've never put this man over my child, not once, and never will. He's lovely to my son, and my son loves him; it's probably one of the reasons I have looked past his s**tty qualities. But I don't want my son looking up to him, either, and thinking this is an okay way to treat the women in his life."
"Being honest with myself, I’ve been starting to check out of this relationship with him for a while."
"Because of the way he is and things he says, but this feels like the straw that’s broken the camel's back. It’s small and was so quick, but has really just highlighted how little he cares."
"I have definitely held on longer than I should out of attachment and not wanting to be alone, especially after that situation."
"I did end it after that, but he then suddenly became everything I wanted for a bit, but has recently started to show his true self again. It was all an act... I’m glad I’m seeing that now, though!"
"This was the final of many straws, and I’m done being a doormat."
"Thanks, Reddit, for all the comments of encouragement. I needed it!"
Relationships will go through highs and lows, and a relationship isn't less of a relationship just because the couple has gone through something terrible together. Rather, it's how the couple navigates the bad times that will measure the health of their relationship.
The fact that the OP's boyfriend encouraged her to get the procedure done when her heart wasn't in it is already bad enough. The fact that he did so without a second thought later says so much more.
