There's no denying it, weddings are expensive.
And not only for the happy couple and their families.
Indeed, most guests also find themselves spending a bit more than they anticipated to attend weddings, be it for travel and accommodation, or to buy appropriate attire.
As having their nearest and dearest is what truly matters to them, many brides and grooms make an effort to help those who may need it.
While others find themselves making their guests, as well as their wedding party, spend even more than anticipated.
Redditor Dramatic_life10 was initially excited to be a bridesmaid for a friend's upcoming wedding.
Knowing this friend has a history of money problems, the original poster (OP) and the other bridesmaids agreed to help her out.
Unfortunately, the bride-to-be's expectations of the amount of help her bridesmaids would provide proved a bit beyond what they expected.
Eventually leading the OP to confront the bride about this, leading to less than ceremonious consequences.
Fearing she may have stepped out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to spend $130 on a bridesmaid bouquet when I'm the bridesmaid?"
The OP explained why she felt the need to confront her soon-to-be-married friend:
"I was a part of one of my close friends bridal parties, she's always struggled financially a little bit and now she's getting married."
"She asked if us bridesmaids could pay for the dresses, we said yes."
"Then she asked if we could pay for our own bouquets; I said, of course, to help her out, but later to find out that the bouquets were going to be more expensive than the dress at $130 each!"
"She chose the most expensive bouquets, and I've offered even to make all of them myself, but she's refused because these are the ones she wants."
"I'm the youngest bridesmaid, only in my early 20s. Some of the other girls didn't seem too eager about it, but I was the only one who said something to the bride. I was polite and just tried to let her know that I have other financial commitments, and spending $130 on flowers that will be thrown away after the wedding seems a little steep."
"She's now removed me as a bridesmaid, I'm not sure what to do, AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to pay for her wedding bouquet.
Everyone agreed that the OP was absolutely right to put the bride in her place, as she was being selfish and ungrateful by demanding her friends spend exorbitant amounts of money when they were trying to ease her financial distress.
Many thought the OP probably dodged a bullet by being let go from the wedding party:
"NTA."
"If she couldn't afford the flowers, how can she expect you to?"
"Just go with the flow. I know she was/is your friend, and she will either figure it out or she won't."
"Brides anymore want more than they can afford and are now expecting bridesmaids to pick up the costs of all the incidentals, such as flowers, bachelorette parties, 3-day weekend trips, jewelry."
"It gets crazy. If she doesn't ask you back then be thankful you don't have to deal with it, you will probably find the next bridesmaid has a worse time than you have had."
"If she asks you back your choice but tell her you can't afford the flowers."- MrsNobodyspecial67
"NTA."
"'She's now removed me as a bridesmaid, I'm not sure what to do, AITA'."
"Be glad & relieved you don't have to pay anything now/jeopardize your finances for a selfish entitled AH."
"I've gone real hard on her being TA for expecting others to fund her as opposed to being grateful for how kind you all were paying for your dresses but most of all for treating you like sh*t when you offered to make the bouquets."- Apart-Ad-6518
"NTA $130 for a bridesmaid bouquet?!"
"And the bride expects the bridesmaids to pay for it?!"
"Oh, heck no!"
"You friend has champagne taste and a beer pocketbook."
"Your friend is shameless and tacky as all get out."
"She's now removed me as a bridesmaid, I'm not sure what to do."
"Count your blessings."- Peony-Pony
"It's normal to pay for a dress if you get to choose the style (if the bride insists on everyone being in the same exact dress, I've heard she should foot the bill)."
"It's also normal to pay for hair & makeup if the service is offered (but I've also heard the same where if the bride wants everyone done the same- it's her expense)."
"It is NOT normal to expect bridesmaids to pay for their bouquets, and if the bride can't afford her vision, she either needs to change her vision or consider alternative routes like artificial flowers."
"NTA and be thankful you're no longer a bridesmaid- I can only imagine how much more outrageous her requests throughout the wedding will become."- dirtynerdy585
"NTA, she should be having a wedding that is within her means."
"Sounds like she wants the ceremony more than the marriage."
"Make sure you ask for a refund for whatever you paid towards the dress since it was her choice to remove you."- maj0rdisappointment
"NTA."
"Wear your bridesmaid dress, if you've already purchased it, and attend as a guest."-AffectionateYoung300
"NTA."
"As for what to do now?"
"Realize that your friend is showing her true colours: she's having difficulty with her own finances but is treating your support as a blank cheque."
"You'd think she'd understand that you don't have much money either, but no."- calling_water
"NTA."
"That is cheap as hell asking bridesmaids to pay for their flowers."- Equivalent_Win8966
"You thank your lucky stars you got out."
"NTA."- Cultural_Section_862
"What to do?"
"It's been done, you're out of the bridal party."
"Good riddance."
"NTA for speaking out."- CheekPowerful8369
"NTA."
"IIt's kind of absurd that she can't afford the flowers but expects you to pay for them without any issues…$130 for 1 bouquet of flowers is outrageous."- Pizza_Lvr
"NTA."
"She did you a favor because now you don't have to spend any money on this wedding."-DJ_Too_Supreme_AITA
"NTA."
"Paying for your dress is normal in the US but asking people to shell out $130 for bridesmaid bouquets is wild imo."
"If the bride cannot afford to provide bridesmaids flowers at her own wedding, she shouldn't have them."
"I would be grateful that I was no longer in the wedding because I'm sure she'll end up tacking on more fees for other things."- Zealousideal-Divide6
"You don't have to do anything but return the dress, and do something fun on her wedding day NTA."- SnooRadishes8848
"NTA."
"Return the dress and move on."
"You have learned what kind of person she really is and are better of without the drama."-
WhoKnewHomesteading
"You are NTA."
"It is de rigueur for bridesmaids to pay for their attire."
"They do NOT pay for their flowers."
"It was gracious of you to agree to pay for your bouquets, given that she cannot afford her wedding."
"It is unacceptable for her to select an arrangement that costs $130."
"What you should do is CELEBRATE!"
"I'm sorry that you lost the cost of the dress, but at least you don;t have to be in this tacky wedding."- EmceeSuzy
"NTA!"
"That's absolutely ridiculous!"
"This whole brides wanting/demanding what they can't afford is way out of hand!"
"I blame social media."
"People see $100k weddings and feel like that's the norm."
"No it isn't."
"Asking your bridal party to pay for their clothes is normal."
"Asking them to pay for ANYTHING else isn't!"- SufficientComedian6
"NTA."
"She's now removed me as a bridesmaid, I'm not sure what to do?"
"Rejoice."- Moto_Hiker
"NTA."
"Its customers for the bridesmaids to pay for their own dress."
"The groom's family is supposed to pay for the flowers for the bridal party."
"I'm sure it doesn't always happen, but to make you pay $130 extra isn't nice or necessary."
"I would have said something as well, and it was nice you offered to make it."
"The fact that she isn't wealthy but expects this makes it worse."
"I understand it's hurtful, but she did you a favor by removing you."
"She needs to grow up and get over herself."- Final-Context6625
The OP later returned with an update, thanking everyone who took the time to comment, and also her current plans regarding the wedding:
"Thanks to everyone for clarifying what I was doubting myself for!"
"And also, for everyone saying to go as a guest, the bride said to me that I could attend the 'after party' if I wanted to."
"I have been uninvited from the whole wedding."
It seems this bride misunderstood what the OP and the other bridesmaids offered.
They said they would help her financially, not pay for everything themselves.
It's an old cliché that bridesmaids are often jealous of the bride.
If the remaining bridesmaids are jealous of anyone, it's most likely the OP.
Who spared herself from enduring any more of this bride's demanding behavior.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp