Families come in all different shapes and sizes, and each of us has a variety of reasons why we want, don’t want, or can’t have children.
Each of those reasons are valid and should be respected, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit, and sometimes that means not disclosing every piece of information to everyone.
But Redditor throwawaysurgerysis was uncomfortable with the fact that his sister didn’t want to share her hysterectomy decision with their parents.
But when she was upset with him for sharing her medical information, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he should have just kept the secret he’d promised to keep.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my parents about my sister’s surgery?”
The OP knew about his sister’s upcoming surgery.
“My (20 Male) sister (23 Female) sister is childfree. She’s been pushing for a hysterectomy ever since she turned 18 and she finally got approved for it.”
“She asked me if I could drive her back home after the surgery because her girlfriend won’t be available.”
“I agreed to drive her and asked if she had told our parents about the surgery.”
“She told me she doesn’t want them to know because they already hate and push back on her decision to not have kids. So she doesn’t want the extra stress of having to deal with them.”
The OP decided to voice his concerns.
“I feel like they should know. It’s a major surgery that she doesn’t even need and they should at least have a heads up about it.”
“After I left, it kept eating at me, and after a few days, I caved and told my mom about it.”
“She seemed to take it well and I didn’t think there would be any problems.”
“My sister called me yesterday, furious, and told me she would be getting a ride back from someone that actually respects her decisions.”
“Apparently, our parents showed up to her apartment to try to get her to change her mind and wouldn’t leave until she threatened to cut contact with them.”
Others didn’t agree with how the OP handled the situation.
“I think she’s overreacting about this and my parents just care for her health.”
“My sister is not talking to me now.”
“My girlfriend and friends think I was a huge a**.”
“AITA for telling my parents about my sister’s surgery?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP broke his sister’s trust and for that was the AH.
“YTA. Your sister was right about how your parents would behave. You betrayed her trust.”
“Why do your parents need to know about this? Your parents don’t just ‘care for her health.’ They are trying to control her ability to make reproductive choices for herself. You are seriously lacking empathy if you can’t understand how that would make your sister feel.”
“I’m sure your girlfriend is reconsidering your relationship right now.” – EzHedgehog
“I just, I have no words for how abhorrent this is. She’s an adult. She specifically chose to NOT tell your parents, who have NO reason to know if she doesn’t want them to know (for good reason).”
“She trusted you to keep her medical procedure private, and you went and shared her personal, medical procedure with your parents. WITHOUT HER PERMISSION.”
“F**k yes, YTA.” – yepanotherjennifer
“YTA hugely. Your sister will never share anything with you again. It was not your place to share her business with anyone.” – getjicky
“Seriously, there’s a reason it is ILLEGAL FOR THE DOCTORS to disclose medical information. What in the h**l makes OP think they know better. OP, YTA of a size that has yet to be found on planet earth.” – Serp1655
“If I was OP’s sister, I would be cutting contact. How dare OP do this! They had absolutely no right to be sharing confidences like this. Honestly, I’m so mad on her behalf.” – Beecakeband
Others said the OP had no right to make decisions about his sister’s medical history.
“‘a major surgery that she doesn’t even need,’ coming from a young man who has (presumably) never had to deal with menstruation.”
“It’s her body and her choice, and as she is an adult no one else’s business but her own.”
“YTA majorly for your preachy views on a topic you aren’t qualified to have an opinion on. And for breaching your sister’s trust.” – Odd_Goose9920
“YTA 100%. I don’t know why your sister is getting a hysterectomy, but it is actually SO hard to get approved for one even with crippling health issues related.”
“It’s none of your parents’ business what your sister does with her body, it’s her body. She specifically told you not to tell your parents and you did anyway.”
“It is a major surgery and your sister’s choice and you should’ve respected her wishes, because now you’ve broken her trust and helped your parents try and sabotage something she’s been pushing so hard for.” – bophie21
“YTA 100%, she even explained to you why she didn’t want your parents to know.”
“She’s a grown woman that made a medical decision for herself, and your parents didn’t need to know and don’t have a say-so in her business.” – lachuladechihuahua
“Seriously, this made me so mad. When are people going to stop assuming they get to have any kind of say over women’s bodies? I’m f**king furious for OP’s sister.” – helenasbff
“OP, you need to look long and hard at how many times you judged your sister’s choices by your own standards – does she get to have a say over your medical penis or balls choices, reproduction?”
“The answer is, ‘Of course not! Her decision is about body parts I don’t have and will never have to worry about (what if she didn’t opt for this course and was raped and forced to carry the pregnancy… ALL THINGS PEOPLE ARE ACTIVELY LITIGATING FOR IN U.S. right now. Your choice to get a vasectomy or not will NOT EVER result in you being forced to carry a pregnancy you want no part of).'”
“I for one, would not forgive you or your parents.”
“You have all proven you think you know better than her about choices for HER BODY.”
“This isn’t familial concern. It’s abuse.”
“You blew a chance of having an amazing available aunty when you have kids. Because, you’re having them, right?”
“F you and F your parents. You treated her trust and autonomy as if they have no value. You have no value, your parents have no value.” – No_Opinion_7232
Some pointed out the OP potentially made his sister’s life infinitely harder.
“You said, ‘I think she’s overreacting about this and my parents just care for her health.'”
“You know d**n well that’s not it. You said yourself that it’s her decision not to have kids that they give her grief for. So don’t play dumb.” – the_elves_sleep
“YTA, a major a**hole! Even if it is a potentially dangerous surgery.”
“She decided to do this a long time ago, at least 4 years. She decided to not want to have kids and finalize it with this step and ease up her life.”
“She decided to not tell your parents because she did not want the extra stress.”
“Guess what happened, a f**king ton of extra stress. You betrayed her trust in many ways here.” – aeteci_
“There are SO MANY reasons people choose to be childfree. And you would be surprised how many of them have little to nothing to do with lifestyle.”
“Some people have a medical condition or predisposed for a medical condition that could shorten their life and they don’t want to bring kids into a world only for that kid to be forced to take care of them or worse, grow up without them.”
“Maybe they have a genetic condition and don’t want to pass it on to another generation (Self-removal from the gene pool).”
“They may be concerned about overpopulation, overconsumption of resources, and contributing to global poverty.”
“Maybe they don’t want to bring children into the current socioeconomic environment, or are concerns about the global political climate (no one wants to raise a child as a war refugee).”
“Some are generally just antinatalist and feel that bringing a human into the world to potentially suffer is selfish.”
“Some want to focus on helping children that are already here. The ones in foster care, growing up in poverty or at risk, the ones who are sick or unhoused either through, fostering, adoption or volunteering.”
“People need to butt out. There are more than one kind of family. Breeding like rabbits isn’t the only way.” – Glass_Statue_5837
“OP’s sister probably was looking forward to not having to answer their parents’ questions about having kids. They never know about it and then when it doesn’t happen it just doesn’t happen.”
“But OP ruined that and now the parents could be giving her crap for years about why she didn’t have grandchildren for them.”
“I don’t know if it’s fixable other than helping the sister lie and say the surgery is off but then get it done anyway? Ugh, I don’t know, but yes, OP did a dreadful thing.” – Creative-Cricket-722
While there would have been nothing wrong with a brother confiding to his sister that he was worried about her upcoming surgery and wondered if more people should know about it, actually betraying her trust was a whole other matter.
The subReddit couldn’t give the OP the benefit of the doubt with this own, as he went straight to his parents, rather than his sister, according to his own story. Now his sister will probably have to work through a whole series of issues she must have been hoping to avoid.