Brides and grooms want their wedding days to go perfectly, hence their tendency to get more than a little stressed at what might seem like minute details.
To ensure that what is meant to be the happiest days of their lives will go off without a hitch, they will go to great lengths to ensure that nothing will go wrong.
Which sometimes means making sure certain people aren’t in attendance.
Redditor Ginger_Mouse and their fiancé decided that they wanted their wedding to be child free, save for some notable exceptions.
Not included among those exceptions was the groom’s 18-year-old cousin, much to the disappointment of her parents, and other members of the groom’s family.
Wondering if they were in the wrong for standing firm in their decision not to include her, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit “Am I the A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA For not making exception for my finances mentally disabled cousin.”
The OP explained why they and their fiancé felt it would be better if his cousin was not included in the guest list at the wedding.
“My fiancé and I are getting married in a little under 2 months.”
“We have had a long list of issues with planning and logistics of this wedding.”
“Most of which are coming from his side of the family.”
“We are paying for this wedding mostly ourselves and much of it is DIY and on a strict budget.”
“So when it came to the guest list we decided it would be 18 and over with only a few exceptions.”
“My sister in law who is 14 and a bridesmaid.”
“As well as my cousin who is 10 and the flower girl.”
“Two days ago my fiancé got a call from his grandmother.”
“Her son, my financé’s uncle, asked her if we would let them bring their 18 year old cousin who also happens to be mentally disabled.”
“She has just graduated high school but requires the attention that a much younger child would.”
“Unfortunately there has been some issue in the past with this particular uncle leaving his daughter with their grandmother while he goes off to party.”
“Most of the time without asking.”
“The grandmother always says she doesn’t mind but she is in her 80s and has already had two broken knees and a cracked pelvis from two separate falls in the last two year.”
“Regardless, my fiancé and I talked about it and we agreed that she should not come.”
“We would also understand if this made it harder for his aunt and uncle to come to the wedding.”
“However we didn’t hire any staff that could help look after her.”
“Nor do we want to encounter a situation in which the grandmother would have to watch her when she should be enjoying the wedding.”
“Not to mention we are only 65 days from the wedding and they never mentioned this when they RSVP’d 6 months ago.”
“When my fiancé called to speak to his uncle about it, his uncle was extremely upset.”
“Didn’t understand why and said that it would cost too much for them to get someone to be with her while they were gone so they aren’t coming at all.”
“I understand them not coming but I don’t understand the hostility and now I am left wondering if we did the right thing?”
“Should we have just made and exception?”
The OP later clarified that the disability of her fiancé’s cousin was not the main reason for her not being included on the guest list.
“The guest list was made almost 2 years ago when she was 16 not 18.”
“She wasn’t invited because she wasn’t 18.”
“She turned 18 like 2 months ago I think?”
“We are paying for everything ourselves and not inviting anyone under 18 cut out like 20 cousins which saved a ton of money.”
“We are not close with them at all, I have only met them a handful of times and my fiancé only speaks with them during family reunions.”
“So the idea of her becoming 18 by the time of the wedding was honestly not something I thought about.”
“If his uncle didn’t have a history of not keeping an eye on her and expecting the 83 year old grandmother who is just now able to walk by herself to.”
“I wouldn’t have an issue with her coming.”
“65 days before a wedding adding a guest is stressful, for sure.”
“That in of itself would be hard given they RSVP’d way before they had to and saw she wasn’t on the invite.”
“I want the grandmother to enjoy herself for sure, it’s been a factor in my decision making.”
“But that’s not why the cousin wasn’t invited initially.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
For the most part, the Reddit community agreed that the OP and their fiancé were well within their rights for not including the groom’s disabled cousin on their guest list.
Most agreed that the couple had the right to say who they did and didn’t want at their wedding, that the groom’s uncle waited too long to ask if their daughter could come, and thought the cousin might legally be an adult, she would need the same sort of attention children required, even if some urged the OP and their fiancé to acknowledge that the grooms family would likely be hurt by this decision.
“Uncle is angry you short circuited his plan to dump cousin on Grandma.”
“Your wedding, your rules.”
“Congrats and have a great time.”
“Don’t let this bother you any more.”- LiberryPrincess
“You don’t have to make any concessions you don’t want to.”
“Your day, your way.”
“They can’t come?”
‘They can’t come.”
“There will be plenty of pictures should they choose to look at them.”- Thart85
“65 days before a wedding is not the time to ask to add a guest.”- SkrogedScourge
“It’s not your job to make accommodations for every person’s request at a party your paying for.”-Ok-Actuator-6187
“Simple your wedding your rules.”- Ladykaesong
“Your wedding, you can decide on the guest list.”
“Especially since you are the ones primarily paying for it.”
“Uncle is mad because if he wants to come he would have to pay for a sitter for his daughter.”
“He is too used to taking advantage of grandmother.”- solitarybydesign
“NTA because it is your wedding and you get to invite who you want.”
“That being said you have to accept that your husband’s cousin and uncle are likely going to be hurt by this.”
“Being excluded based on a disability sucks even if it is understandable on some occasions.”
“Stand by your decision but accept that they are going to feel hurt by it.”- Ill_Understanding826
“At the end of the day if your fiancé aunt and uncle wanted wanted their kid to go to your wedding they should have RSVP with her name six months earlier.”
“Why the heck should you change things around to accommodate them when the wedding is basically around the corner.”
“They have had over Six months to ask and they change their mind 2 month from your wedding day.”
“Also it’s not their day it’s your day you decide if they don’t like it I’d honestly disinvite the aunt and uncle.”
“She’s an adult that needs supervision like a child.”
“And the uncle wants to dump her on grandma.”
“Grandma in her 80s.”
“Who just recently had two broken knees, and a cracked pelvis from different falls, and whom the cousin HAS ACCIDENTALLY STOMPED ON Grandma’s foot after one of those falls.”
“The point of having an 18+ wedding, is to not have to babysit someone who can’t be responsible for themselves, and she can’t be responsible for herself.”- ArizonaGirl70
“She’s a guest who wasn’t invited to begin with because OP isn’t close to her, whom someone is tried to add months after they RSVP’d.”
“That’s a good enough reason to refuse her no matter her age, abilities, or anything else.”-TryUsingScience
“It’s clearly a possibility she could disrupt the evening.”
“Given the fact that you’ve already put an age cap on the event to prevent disruptions, given the fact that the uncle can’t be trusted to watch her, and given the fact that she was not invited to the wedding in the first place, I’m going to say NTA.”
“You can see this particular cousin at a future event.”
“It doesn’t have to be at your own wedding.”- claireclairey
“You just don’t have her in your budget which sounds tight already, plus she wasn’t included on the rsvp, that’s reason enough to tell him she can’t come.”
Others, however, had less sympathy toward the OP and their fiancé, who felt that it was highly insensitive not to include the groom’s cousin.
“The developmentally disabled, and their parents, get excluded from everything.”
“She’s family and I don’t see why you’d exclude her.”
“Respite is exceedingly expensive and if you were my niece I’d be hostile to you too.”
“I have a severely disabled child btw and if you did you’d understand how parents get no support.”
“Hell, you’re doing it to them too.”- FancyCocktailOlive
“She’s 18. It’s not an exception to invite her, it’s exclusion to refuse her.”
“Grandmother has said she doesn’t mind, so using that as an excuse is odd.”
“You can decide who you want at your wedding of course, but it’s not an exception to have an 18 year old at an 18+ wedding.”
“She’s a disabled adult, but she’s an adult.”- noBeanz207
It’s certainly easy to view the couple’s decision not to include the groom’s cousin as insensitive at first glance.
Though if we were to take a closer look, it seems their decision was a bit more complicated than it appeared to be.
One only hopes that the rest of the groom’s family won’t let this hover over the big day, and that the OP and their fiancé’s wedding day the happiest day of their lives.