Life can be really hard sometimes, so it can be fun to celebrate when we make a breakthrough.
But having someone around who doesn't support us is a terrible feeling, admitted the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Throwaway781Felicity was surprised when their partner repeatedly belittled them about their history with homelessness when they decided to have a party to celebrate their promotion at work.
When their fiancé became angry with them for speaking up about the remarks he was making, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if they were wrong to stand up for themselves.
They asked the sub:
"AITA for publicly calling out my Fiancé at our party after he made a dig at my previous homelessness?"
The OP wanted to celebrate feeling more financially secure.
"Last Sunday, I organized a small barbeque party with my work friends, my fiancé's family, as well as other acquaintances, to celebrate my promotion at work."
"I know it might come off as arrogant and trashy to celebrate a promotion but the reason why I held it was because this was one of the first times in life I felt settled and at peace."
"I was homeless for a while and had to work really hard and rely on my one kind relative who supported me to get where I am."
"The party was also held to express my gratitude towards my uncle and my friends who helped me push through."
Their fiancé, however, did not appear to be particularly supportive.
"However, not everything went smoothly."
"My fiancé was introducing me to some of his friends and colleagues after we set up the food."
"He kept introducing me to them in a condescending way, saying that the promotion didn't really mean a huge pay raise and his salary was still higher than mine (even though he started work much earlier than me)."
"He also said that the only reason I made it was because of my relative (that is somewhat true)."
"But the thing that struck me the most was him saying 'jokingly' to his friends that he played a huge role in where I am today (even though I literally met him after I landed my job), and that my homelessness was not a big deal, because I only spent 6 months being homeless before my relative helped me out."
The OP decided to start joking in return.
"It just felt humiliating and invalidating, so I also 'jokingly' retorted back, saying, 'At least I am not a trust fund baby who was handed everything in life and had his parents pay part of his mortgage.'"
"His colleagues laughed at that, and I could see my fiancé was not pleased."
"He stopped mocking me after that, thank god! BUT after everyone left, he mentioned that what I said really ruined his image."
"I told him I was merely imitating his actions because he could clearly see I was uncomfortable and carried on with his jokes."
"Then he denied it and proceeded to call me sensitive."
The OP wasn't sure what to think.
"Now I am confused. I know what I did was wrong, I was not behaving or communicating like an adult, and yes, I shouldn't have divulged the fact that his parents paid part of the downpayment, but I was hurt and had no way to pull myself out mid convo without embarrassing myself."
"That's why I require judgment if I am the AH. I'm willing to apologize."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the OP's fiancé only enjoyed feeling superior to the OP.
"I had an ex who admired my grit due to being a young single mother living below the poverty line whilst also studying at university. Worst abuse I've ever suffered in my life after we got married."
"The privileged ones don't see us as people, only as shiny charity things to show off how good of a person they are to all of their privileged friends. If we're not grateful enough, things get ugly. Be careful." - thederpfacemajor
"Maybe what he really liked was the idea of always having a sense of superiority over you. He might have seen you as someone who will put up with anything to maintain security, seeing you went through such a dreadful time."
"Now you are moving forward, he has to pull you back again." - DrunkOnRedCordial
"Bestie, I don't think he ever truly 'admired' your grit."
"Either of the two things is likely possible in this case:"
"1. it was a momentary fascination with the fact that you were homeless for a while and he had that mentality people have when they spectate at other people who had to deal with extreme hardships."
"2. Secondly, it was an ego boost for him to have a partner who was financially not at the same level he was. So the second you show progress, the itsy bitsy ego breaks, and bam: you're insulted."
"You could be a hotshot CEO, but to him, you'll always be that poor homeless person that according to his delusions he 'saved.'"
"Dump his a**. You deserve a partner who loves your progress and celebrates it with you, is proud of it, and does not treat you like an ego boost." - sagehoe
"Here's a quote from Bella Poarch: He 'needs someone who falls apart so he can play Prince Charming.'"
"Congrats, OP, on your well-deserved promotion!!"
"And NTA for sure. Your fiance is for sure an a**hole. No one needs a partner that wants to compete with them."
"You do you, but this is a dealbreaker for me. You need someone who wants to see you happy and is truly proud and happy for you." - Unlikely-Speaker-614
"So many men say they like strong women, so long as they get to remain 'dominant.' It's gross and it's a power trip for these men. They view it like taming a horse."
"This feels kind of similar. He likes her grit, so long as she stays below him."
"It reeks of insecurity. What happens if one day OP makes more than him? NTA, but OP's fiance is s**tty." - __homiesexual__
Others agreed and said the OP deserved better.
"I've always admired how my wife overcame a difficult childhood to achieve what she has, even though my wife still thinks she hasn't achieved much."
"My wife works hard and is well-respected by her peers for her hard work and dedication. She earns quite a bit more than me and for me, it's a non-issue. She's worked hard and she deserves it."
"I'm really proud of her and would never, ever denigrate the hardships that she had to overcome."
"OP, you're definitely NTA, but your fiancé seems to be and is also threatened by your success." - gooderj
"He HAD to make a point that he still earned more, he belittled her achievement by saying someone else got it for her and said it wasn't a big deal. Instead of being proud of everything she has achieved, he s**t all over to make sure she knew her place."
"OP, you are better than this, and you deserve better than this."
"He is gaslighting you, what he said was unacceptable to anyone. He is supposed to love and support you, he's supposed to be your biggest cheerleader. Do you want to feel unworthy for the rest of your life? You ARE worthy, and that deserved to be celebrated." - Cauleefouler
"I wouldn't dream of saying something so horrible about my friends. I can't even imagine someone I was about to marry saying such things."
"You don't come up with something like that on a happy occasion unless that's how you really feel. What a horrible thing to think about your partner. OP deserves better." - Tikithing
"My husband and I had been together since our early 20's (21yrs total). It had always been a partnership."
"We liked to get each other things or do cute small things for each other even when we were broke. We worked extremely hard to buy our first home at 24. Always supported each other. And I supported him through college in his 30s."
"I make as much as him without a degree and he is so proud of me and I am so proud of him."
"A partnership starts way before marriage, and OP sounds like she is getting a glimpse of how her fiancé really feels or of his insecurities."
"I wouldn't rush to marry someone who would say such terrible things, especially when he could never relate or understand her struggles."
"6 months homeless sounds terrifying for anyone, and he had the nerve to say it wasn't that bad?!" - Picklesfromcucumbers
"I don't see how this sort of thing is recoverable. How can a healthy relationship continue when one partner clearly sees the other as less-than, and is willing to let that show in front of friends and family?"
"OP, please continue your upward trend and leave this guy. You can do so, so much better." - Poisonskittlez
The subReddit was unanimous in pointing out that the OP deserved better than they received in their partner and during the celebration of their success.
Some gave suggestions for how to proceed in the relationship, but most hoped that the OP wouldn't try at all and instead aim for a partner who would be more in-tune with their success.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.