One of the toughest challenges facing an engaged couple is who to invite to a wedding or engagement party.
That is something Redditor throwaway878293 is facing after she brought up a concern that has been bothering her recently.
When she told her fiancé how she felt, he did not take it very well.
She visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit and asked:
"AITA for telling my fiancé he cant bring his friends to our engagement party because they make fun of my weight?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I'm a bigger girl, and it's not something that really bothers me but I have been in the process of losing weight for health reasons (down 30 lbs so far)."
"Anyways, my boyfriend's friends LOVE very skinny women, I'm talking victoria secret model skinny."
"This is obviously not my concern but lately I've been seeing that in the groupchat they have together they are always 'making fun' of my boyfriend for being attracted to bigger girls."
"They send him pictures of women that are 400+ pounds (I'm nowhere near that). And say rude comments. They say that his type is 'whale', he likes girls who have 'mcdonalds in their blood'. He doesn't engage in it and just ignores it but lately it's been getting on my nerves."
"We just got engaged and are having a small get together and I told him I dont feel comfortable with these people (his friends) around me when I know what they think of me and the nasty things they say about me and my body."
"One of them I consider a racist ever since he said 'black culture makes people think fat is okay'. I've already met his friends and in their defence they have been nothing but sweet to me."
"He's mad that I basically told him he cant bring his closest friends to something this important to him. I told him to think about how it makes me feel to know what these people really think of me and have them in our home pretending to be nice."
"AITA?"
Strangers on the internet were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors defended the OP with their NTA judgments.
"Uh what! His friends are huge a**holes and your bf won't even defend or stand up for you? He lets them treat you like sh*t!"
"NTA but you should really reconsider marrying someone who doesn't have your back and accepts that kinda crap." – liarslittlepretty
"NTA I went through this, my ex bf's friends calling him a saint because I was overweight and he used to proudly tell me about these remarks and that he told them he didn't care. Thanks bud!"
"Except he was lapping up the compliments which were insults against me and then telling me to undermine my confidence so I didn't leave him. It was abusive and manipulative."
"If your bf is even discussing your appearance with his friends instead of clearly telling them to f'k off for even bringing it up, and that he wants nothing to do with people who think your worth is based on your weight you need to get rid of HIM, not his friends."
"By not engaging, by saying nothing, he is absolutely giving them the green light to continue. And if he knows you can see him saying nothing then he is mentally abusing you, playing mind games and making you doubt yourself."
"Get rid of him now, before it's too late and find someone who has your back always."
"Edited to send hugs, it's an awful situation to be in, but you will survive this and find someone better. x" – Psychological-Pie938
"If he bucks at this, he's going to be bringing these people to your home when you marry."
"Take seriously the situation if he cannot take your concerns seriously, now. It'll save you a lot of heartbreak (and on this, I speak from experience)."
"NTA." – DelightfulAbsurdity
"NTA"
"But the friends aren't your real problem. It is disgusting that he allows these people to say this sh*t about you and still calls them friends."
"'Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.' 'In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.' - Martin Luther King Jr."
"His silence is the same as his complicity. You deserve better." – ScubaCC
"NTA for not wanting his friends there. While they may be nice to your face— with the exception of the friend who made the 'black culture' comment which also deserves unpacking— your fiancé's friends have the unfortunate attitude of being unable to respect any woman they don't also want to have sex with."
"It's a disgusting way to view the world, it's a disgusting way to act, and I don't blame you for not wanting them around."
"But you deserve better than a fiancé who sees nothing wrong with his friends making fatphobic jokes about you— and I guarantee those jokes are about you, even if your name isn't mentioned."
"Your fiancé is excusing these jokes at your expense, and defending a guy who makes racist comments to defend his poor behavior is an even worse look."
"The company your fiancé keeps says a lot about what kind of man he is. It's up to you whether that's the kind of man you want to keep around." – Beautiful-Outside646
"Your boyfriend is allowing his friends to actively disrespect the woman that he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Whether he engages or not is irrelevant. He needs to grow up and acknowledge that his silence is at your expense."
"It is not fair of him to expect you to be ok with people who are actively hurting you, by talking about you in an ignorant and racist manner, attending your celebration and entering your home."
"He should have stood up for you long ago. NTA." – WirelessThingy
Overall, Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole in the situation. Most importantly, they strongly advised her to reconsider the person with whom she was planning to walk down the aisle.
Redditor mapleleafs_xoxo was blunter than others in the thread in expressing this.
They said:
"Girl don't marry this clown."
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.