Visiting in-laws can be great.
Well, for some…
They can also be a nuisance.
It’s customary to let people know when they’re home is about to be visited.
Easy, right?
Not for one mother-in-law.
Redditor Ok_Age_5534 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for telling my mother-in-law she can’t just let herself in anymore?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] has a habit of coming over unannounced, sometimes early in the morning or late at night, ‘because she was in the neighborhood.'”
“We have a keypad on our front door, and anytime we give her the code so she can check on the house while we’re gone, she keeps it and uses it whenever she wants.”
“It’s worth noting we return the favor when they’re out of town, but we leave her spare key where she keeps it hidden and don’t pop in when she’s home without calling ahead first.”
“Also, it’s a P[rotective] I[ntelligence] T[hreat] A[ssessment] to delete and recreate new passcodes on our particular pad.”
“We’ve already changed the code twice because of this, but I don’t want to have to keep changing it every time we give her access to the house.”
“Last week, she let herself in while I was working from home, made small talk, and then began reorganizing our kitchen while insisting our daughter needed more ‘snacks’ (We don’t keep too many sweets in the house).
“I told her that moving forward, I’d appreciate a heads up before coming over, and that the code is for when we’re away, not an open invitation.”
“She got offended, said I’m ‘pushing her out of her child’s life,’ and now my spouse is stuck in the middle.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for not wanting to give her free rein to walk into my house whenever she feels like it?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“She’s not going to respect your boundaries, so make your boundaries stronger: change the code. NTA.”
“However, you have a spouse problem.”
“They should not be stuck in the middle.”
“They should be the ones setting the limit with their own mother, rather than setting you up to be the bad guy.” ~ ScarletNotThatOne
“Your spouse is not stuck in the middle.”
“Your spouse is choosing his mother.”
“You are his wife.”
“If you have an issue with his mother, that is valid.”
“His role is to support you and to take the initiative to make her stop doing whatever she is doing that is creating the issue.”
“That stuck in the middle is bulls**t and a cop out. “
“He’s taken his mother’s side without putting it into words.
“Remind him you are his wife and make sure that if he can’t have his wife’s back, there will be consequences.” ~ Rich_Celebration6272
“NTA. Your spouse is only in the middle because they’re not standing with you.” ~ StLeo21
“NTA. She isn’t going to stop, though, especially if your spouse doesn’t stand with you.”
“You aren’t asking for anything unreasonable.”
“A heads up before stopping in is more than fair.”
“If she absolutely can’t control herself, you may need to change the code and find a different house sitter.” ~ Donutsmell
“NTA. As someone else said, your spouse should not be stuck in the middle.”
“He should not be supporting his mother, intruding on your home, your work, your child-rearing, or your kitchen.”
“If he’s fine with her letting herself in whenever she wants, that’s your real problem.”
“It sounds like the only solution for now may be to have someone else check on your house.”
“If giving MIL the code means she keeps using it, you just have to stop giving her the code.” ~ Counther
“NTA – Stop giving her access to the house and ask another trusted friend to check on the house while you’re gone.”
“She’s made it clear she doesn’t respect your boundaries.”
“You have a husband problem as well.” ~ Jennabear82
“NTA. She’s overstepped your boundaries.”
“But do you really need her to check on your house?”
“Can you ask a neighbor or install cameras?” ~ EwwDavvidd
“If you can afford to hire a house sitter, why not use that money to install a second door lock instead?”
“You could then use that lock whenever you are home.”
“Most doors I’ve seen have a keypad-controlled deadbolt along with a lower door knob that can be fitted with a keyed lock if you choose.”
“Install a keyed lock on that knob and use it when your mom is house-sitting,”
“Or vice versa.” ~ cocoabeach
“NTA. She is very rude.”
“I have a key to my daughter and her boyfriend’s place, and I would NEVER just walk in.”
“Even if I thought it was appropriate, I’d be scared to death I’d walk in on them doing the deed. 🤣🤣”
“Hey, maybe that’s a way to get her to stop.”
“More kitchen sex. 🤣”
“But seriously, you deserve privacy in your own home.”
“She absolutely should NOT be doing that.” ~ Real-Literature7792
“NTA – by your spouse being stuck in the middle, they’re not on your side.”
“There’s no ‘stuck in the middle’, you’re choosing one side or the other.”
“They’re supposed to be choosing you.” ~ FantasticBoot7205
“Your spouse is not stuck in the middle.”
“He is putting himself in that position by not supporting you first and foremost.”
“My keypad has a way to program a guest combo that you can deactivate.”
“Does yours have a feature like that?”
“It may be easier than changing the combo. NTA.” ~ Fubar_As_Usual
“Spouse isn’t stuck in the middle, though.”
“It’s unrealistic for them both to accept her walking out her house, hopping in her car, dilly dallying on over to your house, during your work day/self care day/regular degular day walking to your door putting in the code and having never once thought to use those same fingers to pick up her phone and call or text you hey I’d like to come over or even just saying hey I’m coming over so she can be told hell no.”
“LUNATICS! NTA!”
“Mommy’s boy needs to step it up and say Ma I appreciate your help when we’re gone but it’s unacceptable for you to go to my home at any time without notice, rearrange things to your liking, criticize my home or my family in any manner and then cry victim when you’re told respectfully just how disrespectful you are.”
“Please refrain from intruding on my family’s safe space, and if you’d like to arrange something, reach out and communicate that and wait for approval.”
“My wife isn’t pushing you out of our lives; your actions are!”
“Do better.” ~ Life_Progress113
“Your spouse shouldn’t be ‘stuck in the middle.'”
“They should be firmly on your side, protecting your peace and privacy.”
“If they won’t back you up on something perfectly reasonable like this, that’s an even bigger problem than your MIL’s drop-ins. NTA.” ~ KerleyQ-
“NTA. Your spouse shouldn’t be ‘in the middle.'”
“It’s their mother; they should be the ones setting the boundary.”
“Are they OK with their mom just showing up any time, day or night?”
“And rearranging your kitchen?”
“If so, you have more than a M-I-L problem.” ~ Jun1p3rsm0m
“Wow, that’s a new one for me.”
“My partner and I gave a key to MIL.”
“She once walked in while we had some friends over for dinner.”
“It was a quiet candlelight dinner, and she thought we were in bed.”
“She wanted to see her grandbabies.”
“That key was gone in a heartbeat, and yes was tough for a bit, but it ended.” ~ footballsoccerwres
“NTA. As much of a pain as it is to change the code, start changing it to something the MIL can’t guess, then switch it back to the code she has when/if you need her to check on the house (as others have said, start looking for someone more trustworthy to do it).”
“To be safe, don’t tell the spouse what the random code is, so it doesn’t get shared with the MIL.”
“If she’s still not getting the hint, don’t return her spare key and drop in on her, preferably when she has company over, and see what she does.”
“By that point, the spouse should have already laid down the law with their mother on not dropping in unannounced. After all, it’s trespassing.”
“If you’re W[ork] F[rom] H[ome] when she does it, who’s to stop you from calling the cops due to an intruder?”
“If that still doesn’t do it, if the MIL’s random drop-ins happen to be when the child is not home, have porn (or some other video) on the TV going that will cause the MIL to be embarrassed that she dropped in unannounced.” ~ Mistress_Sara
“NTA. Also, don’t ask her to watch your house again; get someone else (if needed at all) to do it.”
“Then make sure she knows she wasn’t asked.” ~ NewPower_Soul
“NTA. No way in hell would I ever give another relative a key or code to my house.”
“Also, EVERYONE KNOCKS at our house, no one just walks in.”
“That is unacceptable.” ~ REDDIT
“NTA. Spouse isn’t in the middle – spouse should be at the front, managing their mom, but is choosing not to.”
“They think it’s easier to tell you not to rock the boat rather than enforce boundaries with their mom.”
If it’s too annoying to change the code, it’s time to get a different keypad where you can easily issue temporary keys from the app.” ~ inductiononN
“Change the lock.”
“It is a small price to pay for freedom.”
“Many new ones allow a temporary code for workers; you can have a start and end date for them, and others allow you to log in/change codes online in a much simpler process.”
“Switch out the lock for one that is easier to limit her access.” ~ Lopsided-Beach-1831
Reddit understands your choices, OP.
Your MIL is being intrusive.
You have every right to demand she call ahead or ask permission to visit.
It’s your house, your rules.
Good Luck.