Trust is a minefield, especially when you’ve been badly burned by people you gave your heart to.
When an outrageous, hateful act of violation is perpetrated against you, it can hinder your ability to trust… anyone.
Which then brings into the conversation the idea of boundaries, among you and everyone you know.
Case in point…
Redditor DeviceGlad4271 wanted to discuss his story for some feedback. So naturally he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for refusing to let my friend look through my phone to confirm I don’t have a nude photo of her?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My friend Jenny recently had a nasty breakup with her boyfriend,”
“And in retaliation for whatever he feels she did wrong (I don’t really know any details as to what happened), he sent nude photos of her to a bunch of people in her contacts.”
“I was not one of them.”
“But Jenny thinks I was because the boyfriend made a point of saying that he sent the photos to all her male friends.”
“Jenny asked me if she could look through my phone to confirm I wasn’t sent the photos.”
“I told her that she should know me well enough to trust me that I wouldn’t lie to her about something like that, plus I wouldn’t keep the photos even if he had sent them.”
“Jenny said that she trusted me but wanted to verify, and that all our other friends had showed her that they either never got the photos or that they didn’t save them.”
“I said that I didn’t care what our other friends did.”
“I wasn’t going to sit there and get called a liar and then reward her for it by letting me snoop.”
“So over the last day or two Jenny complained to our other friends that I was being shady and maybe had her nudes”
“And now everyone is annoyed with me for not just letting her look through my phone.”
“I just feel like my word should be good enough.”
“And I have stuff on my phone (completely unrelated to her) that I’m not interested in anyone else seeing.”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole… for the most part.
It’s a tricky situation.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“Eh, I’m gonna say NAH.”
“I get not wanting other people to look through your whole phone, but also like.”
“Having your nudes sent to a bunch of people is utterly terrifying and I understand her paranoia.”
“Even if you’re telling the truth OP, there are a lot of guys who would lie and a women would never know until it’s too late.”
“She’s in a position where if she trusts you and it turns out she was wrong, people are gonna blame her for trusting you.”
“She should have known better, she should have checked, etc.” ~ a-mathemagician
“Telling your friends ‘I’m a really worried that OP got sent the nudes and won’t tell me. I asked him to show me his messages with my ex and photos like other people did, but he won’t and it seems kinds sketchy to me. Idk what to do.'”
“Is 100% reasonable.”
“I don’t know what exactly she said to their friends and you don’t either.”
“But there are reasonable ways to discuss it that don’t make her an as**hole so I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt.”
“I mean I generally trust my friends but if I just had someone who I trusted enough to send nudes to betray that trust, I would probably be a lot less trusting of people in general.”
“And not as willing to believe people if they weren’t willing to make a gesture to help show I can still trust them.”
“That’s perfectly normal in this situation.” ~ a-mathemagician
“All OP has is to is ‘hide’ the image, or save it on another device.”
“And that’s why I think the request is over the line.”
“If OP was sent the nudes and wanted to keep them, he could easily hide them on his phone.”
“So snooping isn’t going to do any good because you still don’t know if he got the nudes and just hid them.” ~ BonBonShark
“Just because you don’t see it as sketchy doesn’t mean her feelings are invalid.”
“There are only two scenarios in which he would say no, either he doesn’t have them and is being honest or he does have them and is lying.”
“OP is asking her to trust his word which is valid and reasonable.”
“She is hesitant to trust his word considering her trust has recently been severely violated by someone she also thought and should have been able to trust.”
“Her baseline on what is and isn’t sketchy has been completely skewed due to the actions of her ex and she is now, validly, paranoid.”
“So you may not find it sketchy, however you are not the one who had their nudes leaked and were told they were sent to all of their male friends.” ~ gettingbicurious
“NTA. Jenny can’t demand access, then complain about non compliance with her demands.”
“What next if she doesn’t find any does she want access to your online storage and emails and your desktop/laptop computer.”
“If she wants access to your phone tell her to go to the police and have them get a search warrant but if she does tell her you will have her for slander.”
“But it’s maybe time that you remove jenny as a friend she sounds like she wouldn’t let it go.” ~ nduBsTIV
“NTA – though I do feel bad for her she does not have the right to invade your privacy.”
“She is a slight AH for not listening to your boundary but her ex is a huge absolute AH for the illegal and immoral revenge porn.” ~ CostAcadeti
“What her ex did is revenge porn.”
“That’s got nothing to do with OP, though.”
“And no, she’s not invading his privacy, but she wants to, that’s the point.”
“She wants to invade his privacy by looking over his phone, and he’s saying no.”
“She has no reason not to trust him, and going around claiming he’s shady for not letting her invade his privacy is an asshole move, in my opinion.”
“If she’s so upset by OPs refusal to allow her to invade his privacy that she no longer wishes to be his friend, well that just sounds like a win to me.”
“Who wants to be friends with someone who doesn’t trust you?” ~ RecommendsMalazan
“OP isn’t doing anything technically wrong, but he’s not entitled to the friendship of anyone who finds his reaction critically lacking in empathy.”
“I, personally, would not want to be friends with someone who would respond to a violated, traumatized friend.”
“Someone parsing having a sex crime committed against her by someone she loved, with ‘I’m not gonna sit here and be called a liar.'”
“Your right? Sure.”
“Do I want to be around you? F**k no.” ~ yet_another_sock
“It’s so frustrating here because people don’t acknowledge that ‘I don’t legally have to’ doesn’t mean crap when it comes to social interactions and friendships.”
“So no, he doesn’t have to.”
“At the same time, if this person is truly your friend I struggle with why you would say no.”
“Is it because of the principal of ‘you should trust me?'”
“If that’s the case, the OP needs to be empathetic because she clearly trusted her ex, and that didn’t work out.”
“And as a woman, I would want to know if a friend of mine focused more on how the question made them feel than supporting their friend struggling though such a betrayal.”
“It’s not like he said ‘I have privacy concerns.'”
“The OP specifically said no and was upset their friend didn’t trust them.” ~. sraydenk
“Here’s the problem: she can’t be proven right.”
“All she can prove is that she can’t find the photos.”
“Maybe he saved them on his tablet, so now she needs to check that.”
“Ooops, maybe his laptop. Maybe he just covered his tracks really well.”
“He has a presumption of innocence.”
“She doesn’t even have a credible reason to think he was sent them in the first place.”
“And she doesn’t get to give social punishment because he’s asserting a fundamental privacy right.”
“NTA, and she absolutely is.” ~ Cent1234
“She’s not the a**hole for asking.”
“She is the a**hole for insisting and badmouthing him to friends.”
“It does not matter that we can empathize with her being in a bad situation and being hurt, because her actions are shitty enough and prolonged enough to go beyond any excuse.” ~ Usemeabuseme10
“NTA. Her privacy was definitely invaded, but it doesn’t give her the right to invade your privacy.”
“Plus, she’s not just badgering you about it, she’s now badmouthing you to friends and implying you actually do have her nude pictures.”
“Also, I would like to add… even though it’s not part of it, but her ex boyfriend is the biggest AH.”
“Such disgusting behavior.” ~ DisneyAddict2021
This is a rough topic.
Revenge porn can destroy everyone’s trust in… everyone.
OP seems to have Reddit behind him but with a few caveats.
Hopefully everyone here can move forward.
And hopefully OP’s friend gets justice.