Some families go all out for birthdays, while others don't celebrate at all. When a child sees everyone around them having parties and presents, it's hard not to be envious.
Once they become an adult, they can start creating their own celebrations. But what if no one shows up?
A woman turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after being stood up on her birthday.
Sadburthdt_8471 asked:
"AITA for not being grateful for my birthday surprise?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I have been crying for hours yesterday and today, receiving texts on how I am ungrateful. This sh*t just doesn't make sense to me. I am trying to see the good intentions, but call me blind because I don't see any."
"I have never had a birthday party or dinner, and it is something that I have always wanted, but I don't know why I always thought it was unattainable in my adult life."
"I was talking to my friend and telling her how my family never celebrates birthdays because my dad is really religious and how I always feel lonely on my birthday. She asked me why I didn't celebrate my birthday now that I was an adult, and I thought, Yeah, why don't I celebrate myself now that I am grown?"
"I planned myself a birthday dinner at a fancy restaurant and told everyone that as long as they kept their order under $35, I would pay for it. So I made sure to work overtime for 3 months in advance because I heard there is always a fight about the bill, so I didn't want that to be a reason for conflict on my birthday."
"I invited 12 people that said they would come (family and friends, which include my mom now that my dad is dead; she is no longer super religious for some reason)."
"Yesterday I had my nails, makeup, and hair done professionally. I just wanted to look really nice, and I have actually only been to formal events like three times in my life, so I was happy to be able to dress up nicely for once."
"I got to my dinner, sat at my table, and waited 2 hours, and I kept getting calls from people, telling me they were running late to not being able to come anymore. And after 2 hours, everyone finally told me they were not coming."
"They didn't tell me before the dinner; they were all telling me at the time of reservation or later. The waiter felt so bad because I was crying while I was on the phone with someone I considered to be my friend, telling me she wasn't coming for me and that even though I didn't order a meal, he gave me a free birthday slice."
"I didn't even get any pictures in my outfit because I thought someone would help take them for me at the restaurant, and by the time I left the restaurant, my makeup was ruined."
"My mom called me on my way home and asked me to stop at her house because she had a present for me. She says she is sorry she didn't come, but she was feeling extremely unwell, and she wanted me to have a present at least."
"I go to her house, and I open the door to a surprise, and people see that my face was messed up because I had been crying, so someone says, 'Aww, she thought we forgot her' and I look at the 12 people that were invited to my dinner and am just disappointed that they traded what I wanted for my birthday for this."
"They left me stranded and humiliated at a restaurant for hours. I left the surprise party after 5 minutes and just told my mom to keep her present to herself."
"I am sorry, but AITA for not seeing a good intention here? Am I overreacting?"
"I just don't understand how they thought this was going to be a good idea."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I left a birthday party that was meant to be for me and it might make me the a**hole becuase I was ungrateful."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. You planned what you wanted for your birthday. Your friends and family completely disregarded that, lied to you, and left you feeling ignored and unwanted on your birthday. They may have had the best of intentions, but that paves the road to hell."
"In the end, it is not intentions that matter, but results. Had they done this any other day, things would have worked out well. Instead, they left you alone and feeling unwanted. In no way, shape, or form are you to blame here." ~ Faustus_Fan
"IF they had wanted to truly give you a nice surprise, your mom could have asked you to come by her house to pick up something BEFORE the dinner at the restaurant. Then, they could have surprised you there, then everyone headed over to the restaurant together."
"THAT would have been a nice way to surprise you. They are all a**holes. You clearly are NTA and they are thoughtless and selfish."
"Why don't you invite one of them to come on here and share WTAF they were thinking, so we can ream them out again?" ~ National_Pension_110
"Yeah, I completely fail to understand why they thought it was a good idea to leave OP stranded at the restaurant. OP had already told everyone dinner was on her."
"Just mind boggling stupidity and insensitivity. OP, so sorry your first birthday party got so jacked up. NTA." ~ AgitatedJacket9627
"Yeah, not one person in this group thought about her sitting alone in the restaurant? And how they would feel if it were them?"
"I could even see Mom saying she wasn't feeling well since the party would be at her house. Everyone else goes to dinner and says their goodbyes at the end of the meal. Mom asks you to stop by for your gift and surprise. Everyone is there again."
"OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Please do not think for a second that you're an AH. You are NTA."
"These people don't seem to be good people. I hope they can see this from your side and come around, but it's doubtful." ~ justme7256
"NTA. You plan a surprise party when the guest of honor doesn't have anything else planned, you don't purposefully make them feel abandoned so you can surprise them. Their intentions don't matter because what they actually did was completely cruel." ~ somethingstrange87
"NTA. They stood you up at dinner, embarrassed you at the restaurant, made you feel like sh*t just to surprise you? Really lame." ~ melafar
"NTA. This surprise party was a bad idea from the start but the ONLY reason I could think to let it go is if you told absolutely none of them this dinner was important to you and really, really played it down."
"And then they also surprised you BEFORE the reservation time. Seriously, why didn't mom alone call ans be like, hun I'm sorry I'm so sick but I really want to give you your gift, can you stop by 30 mins before dinner?"
"Why was part of the fun for all these people in HURTING you?" ~ caramiadare
"NTA. My ex husband did this to me one year on my birthday. I've always felt unloved on my birthday because I also never had birthday parties, and when I tried to do one, no one would show."
"One year I decided to plan one myself. We were going to a Japanese restaurant I wanted to try. My husband had all my friends and family cancel the day of, and I spent all day crying and feeling unloved."
"I still went to the dinner with my ex, we ate alone and came home to a surprise party. It was the cruelest thing anyone had done: making me feel alone and hated just to walk into an event I wanted nothing to do with." ~ serinaluna
"NTA, but they all are. This is horrible. I would have told all of them to go eff themselves on my way out. This is incredibly cruel and thoughtless." ~ CapricornCrude
"Wow. Just when I thought I'd heard every variation of the surprise party, I found this. I'm so sorry. This was cruel and thoughtless, not a surprise."
"You worked overtime to have the night you wanted."
"You paid to look good for this night out."
"You were not only abandoned for hours, but strung along by everyone saying they were late."
"When you showed up you were made fun of for crying (a natural reaction)."
"Please don't let them gaslight you into believing you're somehow in the wrong. You aren't. They are."
"Please drop these a**holes and find new friends. For your mom go no/low contact until she apologizes." ~ ApprehensiveBook4214
This wasn't a good surprise for the OP. Hopefully, their next birthday will be better.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.