The phrase just a friend when it comes to relationships is something one partner will say to the other about a friend—or sometimes someone who's secretly more than a friend.
But it's unusual when someone introduces their significant other as just a friend. There's gotta be a story there...
A young man wondering why his girlfriend used that label when turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Sozphiacontent7 asked:
"AITAH for breaking up with my girlfriend after she lied about her ex?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (22, male) have been with my girlfriend Sarah (27, female) for about 8 months now. When we first started dating, she told me she had only been in two serious relationships before and that her last ex was 'ancient history' and they hadn't spoken in over a year."
"Everything was going great until last weekend when we went to her friend's birthday party. This guy shows up and Sarah immediately gets weird.
"She introduces me to him as just 'my friend' which was already strange since we've been together for 8 months and she introduces me as her boyfriend to literally everyone else."
"Later, I see them talking in the corner and he's touching her arm and she's laughing way too hard at whatever he's saying. When I went over to join them, Sarah looked super uncomfortable and the guy just walked away. I asked who he was and she said just an old friend from college."
"But then her friend Emma came up to me later and said something about how weird it must be for me to meet 'the ex that got away'. I was confused and asked what she meant."
"Emma looked shocked and said she thought I knew that was Jake, Sarah's ex-boyfriend of three years who she was 'obsessed with' and only broke up with 6 months before we started dating."
"I confronted Sarah about it the next day. She broke down crying and admitted that Jake was her ex and that they had actually been texting on and off this whole time."
"She said she lied because she didn't want me to feel insecure and that nothing physical happened, but they had been 'staying in touch as friends'."
"I felt completely betrayed. Not only did she lie about when their relationship ended, but she's been texting him our entire relationship and then introduced me as just a friend when he showed up."
"She swore nothing happened and that she chose me over him, but I don't believe her anymore."
"When I told her I needed time to think, she started crying and saying I was overreacting. She said lots of people stay friends with their exes and that she was just trying to protect my feelings by not telling me about the texting."
"Her friends have been messaging me saying I'm being too harsh and that she made a mistake, but really loves me."
"My friends are split. Some say once a liar always a liar and I should run. Others think maybe she really was just trying to protect me and I should give her another chance."
"But I keep thinking about how she introduced me as 'just a friend' to her ex. That felt like she was keeping her options open or something."
"And the fact that she's been texting him behind my back for months makes me wonder what else she might be hiding."
"I told her yesterday that I was done and she needs to get her stuff from my apartment. Now she's been calling and texting nonstop saying she'll do anything to fix this and that I'm the best thing that ever happened to her."
"AITAH for ending things over this?"
"Should I give her another chance since nothing physical happened?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was unanimous in their decision that this relationship isn't a relationship—it's a placeholder.
"Any other other other stuff COULD get a pass. Talking to and texting her ex and keeping it friendly."
"When you're first in a relationship, it's not out of the realm of possibility that you would say your last one was farther in the past than it was, because some people get weird about you going into another relationship too soon."
"So even though I don't condone lying, I understand why someone would fudge a little on that. Then later it would be really awkward to come clean about it."
"But the clincher would be that she did not introduce you as her boyfriend. That put the nail in the coffin right there."
"If you were really the best thing that ever happened to her, not only would she be proud to immediately introduce you as her boyfriend, but she would not be flirty with an ex if that were really true."
"I know some people really really want to give their boyfriend/girlfriend the benefit of the doubt and try to work it out."
"If you decide you want to find a way to still be with her, but you need to figure out a way to trust her now - then this is what you do."
"Either have her, come over or go see her face-to-face but do not give her any warning of what you're about to do."
"Once you're talking to her and she keeps saying it was nothing and just friendly. Blah, blah, blah...tell her,"
"'You have one chance, and one chance only, for this to not be our final goodbye. Unlock your phone right now and let me read the text thread between you guys. This is not up for negotiation, and there will be no future chances to make this right'."
"If she refuses, no matter what her excuse, walk away."
"If she unlocks her phone and hands it to you immediately and you read through to find that the messages were just friendly, then you have a possible way forward, depending on what was said and the tone." ~ Klutzy_Mobile8306
"Her introducing you to everyone else as her boyfriend, but to Jake as 'my friend' says all you need to know. You're her boyfriend to everyone else, but if Jake is interested in her, then you're nothing but a friend."
"She's already made her decision, she's just waiting for Jake to make his. Don't wait around as her plan B. You will always be a placeholder until she finds someone she thinks is better." ~ danwantstoquit
"You have learned 2 somewhat concerning and 2 very concerning things during this party. Do not ignore them."
"1) lied about when she broke up unnecessary, but on its I wouldnt say is a deal breaker 2) has been texting with her ex while dating OP, on its own only somewhat concerning...except..."
"3) did not tell OP she was in contact with her ex, and the chances of having lied during this secret keeping is high, which is a big deal and very concerning. which leaves us to the most damning 4) introduced OP as just a friend to her ex."
"I can only interpret that as her not wanting him to know she's in a relationship so she'd think she was available to him."
"She might not be willing to admit it. But she has made her choice and it is not OP. Op stting her free to go back to her ex was the only reasonable choice. Now OP can go someone who is fully committed to the relationship they are in." ~ Satan_von_Kitty
"You missed number 5) seemingly found a quiet corner at the party where they could be a bit touchy-feely as they talked."
"Whenever someone does this and tries to act as though you're overreacting, the best thing to do is get them to think how they'd react if you were acting just as shady as they were. I guarantee they'd go crazy, especially because they'd assume your intentions behind your actions are the same as theirs."
"OP is NTA. She needs to sort out her shit and stop being her ex's backup whilst intending to keep other guys as a placeholder until her ex cuts her loose or takes her back."
"If he was interested in getting back with her, then OP wouldn't even be in the picture. She's killing her own love life by holding onto the ex." ~ Inane_Insanity
"She'd ditch him in a second if the ex was interested. Don't go back, you're her 2nd choice. Find someone better." ~ Realistic-Duty-3874
"You should never be someone's afterthought or alternative, you deserve better. Find someone who would value and put you first. NTA." ~ xTwinkleSnow
"It's clear she's not over him. Given the chance, I think she'd be back with him in a heartbeat. Why feel like the backup plan? NTA." ~ mca2021
"NTA. Did you agree to be in a throuple? Because if she's been texting him the whole relationship, she isn't respecting you two as a couple."
"Also, she introduced you as a friend? So she wants him to think he has a chance still."
"And the fact her friends say he is the one who got away… You need to run." ~ Witty_Spell_2342
No one held out much hope for this relationship.
If the OP takes the internet's advice, he'll keep his second chances for people who haven't lied to him and themselves about their relationship with their ex.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.