Sometimes vacationing with family can be more work than fun.
And trying to appease everyone and their plans can be stressful.
This is why so many people choose to travel alone.
Redditor whativedon wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to give my room to my married cousin?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I'm on a 1-week family vacation. My immediate family isn't here."
"My dad got me a room at the hotel we were all staying, so I could have my own room."
"My cousin (32 F[emale]), I'll call her Jo, her husband, I'll call him Bill, and their 2 kids had the room next to mine."
"On the 2nd day, my cousins and I wanted to go to the beach."
"Jo asked if she could stay in my room because her husband and kids were disturbing her rest."
"I said ok and gave her my room card."
"We were gone for like the whole day, when we returned, Jo was still in my room."
"She had been watching TV, she had actually rented a movie!!!"
"I was angry at this because it was my dad's credit card on the billing for the room, she apologized and left."
"The next day, she asked to use my room again and promised not to rent a movie, and I agreed."
"When I returned, Bill was in my room lying on my bed."
"I wasn't mad, but I also didn't like it."
"I asked them to leave that I needed to get ready since we were all going out to eat."
"We're at the restaurant eating, joking around, having a nice time, when my aunt (Jo's mom) [the official 'adult' of the family vacay said and I quote 'You'll be sleeping in Jo's room with the kids so your elder sister and her husband can have some privacy.'"
"I honestly didn't think she was talking to me until my uncle snapped at me asking if I was deaf."
"I looked around, and everyone was looking at me, waiting for my 'k or yes, ma.'"
"But I said no."
"The vibe of our table changed."
"My aunt basically ordered me to hand over my room card, again, I said no."
"She then said it was wrong of me to expect adults to be sleeping in the same room with their kids when another child has a free room."
"I'm 22 but I'm also the youngest, sorry I'm 24."
"Again I said no and asked her to ask someone else."
"At this, everyone turned on me asking why I needed a room to myself."
"What was I doing by myself that would make me not want to share with kids."
"It was so uncomfortable I left the next day."
"We had plans to go to the theme park, but they all left without me."
"I called my cousins, but they won't pick up."
"I texted and was left on read."
"I called my dad about this and he told me not to worry he'll handle it dinner that night."
"I was called a snitch, that I had run to my dad when I was the one being disrespectful."
"Then my aunty asked me to leave the table or give my 'elder sister' my room card."
"It was like a go to your room moment."
"So I went to my room and called my dad again."
"And this time he told me to just change rooms to hold the peace."
"My mom and brothers said not to, that they were looking for a free babysitter."
Her kids aren't unruly half the time."
"But I'm not here to babysit."
"Today, I was left behind again."
"I don't know, I'm really upset about this but I also don't want to give in."
"I'm thinking of just going home."
"But it's quite expensive to change my ticket."
"So 3 days left of this. 😢😢😢."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"I would ask the hotel manager to switch rooms to the other side of the hotel."
"I then would tell them at no time were you ever asked to be a babysitter."
"You're 22 and I have a 22-year-old old I know how much she enjoys her own time."
"You are NTA."
"It seems they think they can bully you."
"Your next recourse is to ask the hotel if you can be refunded for the final days and check in at a different hotel and just meet them at the airport when it's time to leave."
"Tell your father you will never go on vacation with your aunt and or any other family vacations as you're expected to be a childcare provider."
"They choose to have kids it is their responsibility to make sure they either get a 2-room suite or adjoining rooms and pay for their privacy."
"If the kids get left with you threaten to call C[hild] P[rotective] S[ervices] and or alert the authorities that children have been left."
"Honestly when your aunt called you a snitch I would have FaceTimes your dad right then to say here talk to him."
"But I also would have made a Harry Potter joke when she said you snitched." ~ Mooshu1981
"This is what I would do."
"You're whole family are a bunch of a**holes."
"Your cousin and husband for going along with it, your aunt and uncle for bullying you, and your cousins for treating you the way they did and leaving you behind."
"You're better on your own."
"It can be hard at first but I think it's a good thing to be able to enjoy and be comfortable doing things on your own."
"Do what this comment said and change rooms just so you don't have anyone knocking on your door."
"Then enjoy the rest of your trip."
"Don't even say anything."
"Show that you're unbothered by the situation."
"Pass by them as if it was nothing and just say hi."
"If they say anything, just say you didn't like the way you were treated, and since they abandoned you, this is now your solo trip."
"If you can't change rooms, just say no to doing things for them."
"Make your own arrangements for everything and change your seat so you're on your own."
"Or don't and act normal."
"Will there be blowback? Sure."
"But they need to know they can't treat you like that and thankfully you have your real family's support on this."
"Be strong and have fun." ~ kay87W
"NTA. Ditch these people."
"You're now switching to Awesome Solo Holiday Mode."
"Ask at the front desk about fun and safe things you can do by yourself for the next few days."
"Plan your excursions."
"Are there cool things you can walk to in the neighborhood?"
"Do they offer organized tours?"
"Can book cabs for you to places further away."
"You're 24, you have accommodation paid for, it's time for Adventure!"
"Eat food you've never tried before, go see some Art, drink cocktails at 3 pm, go dancing, and come home with some fun new stories!"
"Oh, and make some fun alternate dinner arrangements."
"No more ridiculous 'family dinners' where you get bullied and treated like you're deserving of less respect than other adults at the table."
"Twice is quite enough."
"You're done here." ~ Ananotherthing
"NTA- and do the above."
"Switch hotels if at all possible."
"Funny how you talking to your dad is snitching, but your cousin whining to her mother is perfectly acceptable."
"Honestly, don't engage with your family anymore."
"Try and find stuff to do there that you like."
"When you get home chalk it up to a lesson learned and go N[o] C[ontact]."
"They bullied and ostracized you, called you a child and a snitch."
"That isn't family and doesn't deserve any more of your time and energy than this week." ~ Purple_dragon76
"NTA - If your aunt wants your cousin to have her own, then your aunt can pay for her to have her own room."
"It isn't on you."
"Since they keep ditching you, use this opportunity to do your own things. Screw them."
"Do the things you want, but no one else wants to." ~ Green-Factor-2526
"Your dad is a bloody coward. NTA."
"Make your own plans, don't eat with the group."
"Mix with others and go out of your way to have a great time, fake it at first if you have to - let them see that you are happier without their sh*t, and before you know it you'll find you are actually having a great time for real."
"Do trips, tours, join other groups, best action here is to go out and show them all how an adult makes the most of a bad situation and enjoys the hell out of themselves." ~ Tal_Tos_72
"NTA... your family sees you as an easy target to bully."
"If I were you I would've either left or done some of my own solo traveling."
"They weren't worth your parents shifting their schedule to play catch up, they aren't worth your time either."
"Have some solo fun and please for me just say on the last say, 'This was the best vacation ever! All the places I got the see and the people's true colors I got to see!" ~ candyextortionist
"NTA. It's your room, paid for by your family."
"At 22, you're not a kid, you're an adult."
"If your cousins were also adults and want privacy, they can pay for a separate room."
"Since they won't/can't, they're clearly not mature adults able to put on their big boy pants."
"You don't need to go with other people to have fun."
"If you want to go to the theme park and your extended family are being children, just call a taxi/Uber and go." ~ Meta2048
"NTA, don't switch."
"Enjoy the last 3 days, have fun on your own."
"Go out by yourself."
"Warn the hotel they will probably try to enter your room, but are not allowed." ~ Nsr444
"NTA. It's your room and they aren't your kids."
"It's perfectly normal for parents to stay with their kids when on vacation."
"They're just being entitled for no reason."
"If I were you I'd skip the rest of the family stuff and just enjoy yourself for the next 3 days." ~ Lollipopwalrus
"NTA. That family sounds like manipulative trash."
"Just go out on your own and have fun."
"Post lots of pictures and if they try intimidating you again just tell them to buy a room is they are that desperate to bang." ~ Wild-Onion8201
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
If they wanted a separate room for their kids, they should've gotten one.
Try to have fun on your own.
Don't let them ruin your trip.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp