Friends are an essential part of life.
But they take time and work.
Just because people may have a few things in common doesn't automatically mean it's time to announce being besties.
And traveling with people who may be friends takes trust...
You have to trust your friends.
Or at least know their last name before the passport is stamped.
Case in point...
Redditor Winter_Collection592 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not inviting my husband's friend's wife?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hi all, so me (31 F[emale]) have been married to my husband (32 M[ale]) for four years now."
"My best friend Ashley and I have been friends since childhood."
"She's currently going through a divorce, and we decided to take a girl's trip for a week."
"I talked to my husband, and he was excited for us."
"He has a friend from work that I've personally never met, but they seem to be close."
"My husband mentioned to him that my friend and I were going on a trip."
"About 2 days later, my husband comes home from work and tells me that his friend's wife would really like to come with us."
"I was a bit confused because I've never met her, and there was no invitation."
"I told him no, that this is a trip Ashley and I wanted to take by ourselves."
"He said his friend's wife really wanted friends and would enjoy going on this trip with us, and it would mean a lot if I brought her along."
"I firmly said no."
"Ashley as well said she wasn't comfortable as neither one of us know this person."
"I let my husband know that this wouldn't be a trip we could bring his friend's wife on."
"He got upset and said I was being an AH and that Ashley and I should reconsider."
"I was still firm and said no but maybe we could meet this woman In the future and take a trip then."
"He told his friend the news."
"He came home that night letting me know how upset his friend was and how the wife was really hurt too."
"I feel like I'm not the AH here, but all of their reactions are making me think I could have handled it better."
"I feel really bad."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. This is bizarre." ~ Squinky75
"I've met a few people like this in my years, who are often decent people."
"But have no close friends and therefore latch onto the slightest opportunity to make a friend, come on way too strong, and put themselves back at square one."
"It's like the friendship version of the 'forever alone' type who becomes enraptured with the barista who made a bit of friendly small talk." ~ KayCeeBayBeee
"Yeah. I'm a pretty lonely person lol. I'd happily settle for OP's offer of 'we can get to know her later' and can't imagine expecting strangers to let me tag along."
"Especially when one is going through a divorce which is the reason for the getaway!" ~ Cosmic_Quasar
"I'd never even ask!"
"Horning in on someone's private time without even having met them?? Hard pass."
"Vacations are hard enough to do with people you know, much less ones you don't. NTA." ~ Ok-Philosophy-856
"I wonder how much of this the friend's wife was actually involved in, though."
"To me, it reads that OP's husband was talking to his friend about his wife and her friend's trip."
"The husband's friend said something about his wife wanting to make more friends in the area, and OP's husband, without thinking, said, 'She should go on the trip with them!'"
"And then the friend went and told his wife all about the trip and implied that she was invited." ~ CassieBear1
"With that in mind, I think it would be kind of OP to reach out to the wife and maybe invite her to grab drinks or dinner or something with a few other ladies one evening after the trip."
"I would explain that the trip was just with one other friend who was going through a rough patch."
"So it was important that it just be the two of them and that it seemed OP's husband hadn't realized that when he invited along the friend's wife."
"Make it clear that OP never extended the invitation, but the husband did so on his own."
"And maybe apologize, not for anything you did, OP, but more that there was a miscommunication and that the friend's wife was left feeling like she got excluded." ~ CassieBear1
"I find it really hard to believe the friend's wife had anything to do with it."
"It definitely sounds like the husbands came up with this idea without thinking, like, 'Perfect! Problem solved!'"
"I can even imagine the friend's wife being hesitant, saying, 'I don't know about this. I never met these people and feel weird. Are you sure this is ok?.'"
"The guy said, 'Of course it's ok! You guys are gonna have a great time!'"
"Now that woman is probably feeling pretty confused & uncomfortable."
"I doubt the guy explained to her that they didn't bother to ask OP first because he doesn't want to appear responsible for this."
"He's probably like, 'I have no idea why they changed their mind!'" ~ Piconaught
"Yeah, he probably heard 'girl's trip' and thought any woman would qualify for inclusion."
"It's not a meetup group."
"It's a chance for two close friends to connect one-on-one."
"One or both dudes were way out of line."
"Who invites themselves on a stranger's vacation?"
"And who invites people to someone else's vacation without asking them first?? NTA." ~ Green_Heron_
"That is super weird. Am I missing something?"
"I empathize with someone who is struggling to make friends as an adult, but inviting yourself on some random trip with people you don't know is not the solution."
"NTA, I'd consider your husband TA for even putting you in such a weird situation. He should know better."
"That being said, invite the couple over, meet your husband's friend, meet the wife, and stay open to the possibility of getting along!" ~ MilkTax
"These comments really have gone wild. Reddit has some serious trust issues."
"I think your NTA and both your husband and his friend are well-intentioned idiots."
"Friend wants to help his wife feel better, and your husband wanted to help, but dropping it on your doorstep was incredibly inconsiderate."
"Them both getting upset when you said no, makes it a lot worse."
"I'm glad you stood up for yourself, and eventually, they saw how inappropriate their behavior was."
"I feel there is every possibility that his friend's wife was unaware of the nature of the trip you had planned with your friend or that your husband extended the invite before speaking to you." ~ Ambitious-Muscle-249
"I tell my husband everything. I probably overshare to the point of absolutely driving him mad."
"I cannot for the life of me think of a reason why I'd ever bring up my coworkers partners trip unless it were somewhere unusual we've been to, but even then, I'd probably not."
"He knows my coworkers and a lot about their life and partners, but a random trip their partners are taking is totally off the radar for normal conversation."
"I agree there's something else happening here, as it's a series of really insane behaviors all at once."
"OP, NTA. Go be a good friend to your bestie and help her through this divorce." ~ ummmno_
A small Update...
"Spoke big time with my husband."
"He didn't realize what he had caused and just how special and personal this trip was."
"My husband's friend sent him a text about how upset and hurt they were that I wouldn't allow this woman on our trip."
"He said I needed to reach out and apologize to his wife."
"My husband immediately told him I will not be doing that and that he himself shouldn't have put me and Ashley in this position."
"The friend got very upset and let us know that his wife was suffering from severe Post Partum depression."
"I feel very badly for her because I've been there."
"I agreed to meet with her for coffee soon."
"I'm not really sure how to feel."
"So after speaking to my husband, this is supposedly how things played out."
"Friend was talking to my husband about how rough life at home had been since he and his wife had their baby about six months ago."
"My husband mentioned I had struggled with Post Partum Depression as well."
"He then mentioned my trip, and the friend said that he thought his wife might enjoy that."
"My husband told him he wouldn't think I would mind and that he would mention it to me."
"That whole part made me really, really upset."
"That's when my husband and I got into it then all this happened."
"I'm very introverted, so I never went with my husband when they would go fishing or out to eat."
"My husband has mentioned in the past that she would almost always tag along."
"Even if the husband didn't mention her joining them."
"I feel like my husband very cluelessly was trying to be helpful, and the friend is desperate to have his wife out of their home for a bit."
"So this seemed like a smart thing to do."
"I have a migraine from how ridiculously dramatic today has been."
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
You and your bestie had a plan for a reason.
This is a lot to process and digest.
Sounds like a ton of mixed messaging.
Hopefully, you and the wife can connect calmly later.
Safe travels.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.