Money is a really touchy subject.
It always has been.
But at the moment it's an even more arduous topic.
Times are tough, everyone is feeling it.
But maybe everyone doesn't see that.
Case in point...
Redditor Spiritual-Vanilla-87 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for asking my well-off friend to stop complaining about money?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My friend, Hailey has everything."
"Her own flat, a car, a well-paying job and she goes to at least 2-3 foreign holidays with her husband per year."
"Meanwhile I have to rent, haven't been abroad in probably 10 years and almost live paycheck to paycheck."
"She is my oldest friend and our differences haven't caused any problems between us in the past, but now that our country is heading into a recession, she has started to be a bit too much."
"Every time we meet, she complains about money."
"How everything is so expensive."
"They will probably only go abroad once next year and will have to vacation in our own country during the summer."
"How she has no idea how they will be able to upgrade their flat to a bigger one in the future and they have sooo much debt."
"Oh, and now her husband has to take the bus to work, because gas is too expensive. Poor thing!"
"I had enough when she was talking about not knowing how they would be able to afford a baby in this economy."
"I told her that I'm sick of her constantly whining about not being even richer, not having one extra room in her flat and only going to Barcelona for 4 days next year."
"Meanwhile my boyfriend and I won't even have a Christmas tree this year and probably just skip Christmas all together."
"She told me she had no idea I think of her like this and she can lend me some money if I need it."
"Then proceeded to play the victim, told me that she is not rich at all, she lives in the same world as I do and inflation is affecting her too."
"How is she not rich at all, but has no problem lending me money??"
"I told her that our struggles are not the same and her comparing them to each other is a slap in the face."
"This was a few days ago and I calmed down a bit since then."
"Everything I said was true, but now I'm thinking I might have been a bit too harsh on Hailey and maybe she truly is just too privileged to see my point and can't help it."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
"YTA but softly."
"I absolutely understand how frustrating it is to be on a lower economic ring and hear people who are effectively 'rich' complain about money."
"It's also 1000% bad form and poor taste to complain about money woes to someone that you know has it worse than you."
"That being said, the troubles in a person's life are still their troubles."
"Maybe from your view point she has nothing to complain about, but it's all relative and there are millions of people across the world that could literally make the same complaint about you."
"Meanwhile my boyfriend and I won't even have a Christmas tree this year and probably just skip Christmas all together."
A" lot of people won't even have FOOD today, let alone on Christmas."
"If you guys are really friends, I'd have a conversation with her about how it makes you uncomfortable to listen to her money woes when you have it worse and then let it drop."
"Hopefully she'll be more tactful in the future, but it doesn't cost you anything to be empathetic to someone's problems, even if they're still better off than you." ~ Nihlys
"I would also add that it's likely your friend didn't even realize/know the financial situation you were in."
"I'm not sure how much you discuss your end of the finances but even with you yelling at her."
"Her first instinct was to help."
"She definitely committed faux pau but from what you've presented it's not malicious." ~ Scion41790
"The friend's immediate offer of help was also what made me think OP is a soft YTA."
"If someone was yelling or snapped at me, my first reaction would NOT be to offer assistance."
"It would be 'don't f**king talk to me like that' because I don't yell or snap at my friends."
"It is also so very likely that OP's friend doesn't realize OP's dire financial straits."
"I have friends who I was surprised to find out were significantly wealthier than I thought, as well as some who were significantly less well off than I thought."
"I know for a fact that every single one of my friends has absolutely no idea my financial situation."
"Having said all that, hopefully OP's friend recognizes she needs to be a bit more sensitive now on that topic." ~ FingHateReddit
"Although what OP's friend was doing would 100% drive me up a wall, I highly doubt she was doing it maliciously."
"Especially because, like you said, her first instinct was to help."
"She honestly seems like a pretty decent friend, albeit a little bit daft at times."
"And like the 1st comment said, a lot of people won't have food this Christmas or even a place to stay."
"A lot of people will not get gifts or food for Christmas, but frostbite and even possibly death."
"Her problems are still her problems, and even if they are 1st world problems, they're big to her." ~ ButWhatIfItQueffed
"Also, I understand feeling offended at the offer to lend money."
"But the way you described, it sounds like Hailey was offering out of concern for you and wanted to be a good friend."
"Try not be grateful for the generous offer from a friend instead of seeing is as a slap in the face."
"Light YTA." ~tawandatoyou
"I imagine that the OP is staggering under the weight of years (?) of complaints from a well-meaning but clueless friend."
"Some of us can get by with eye-rolls and occasional prods to glance at reality."
"The OP didn't say anything for a long time."
"You're right, the offer to help was made out of kindness, but the OP was looking for the friend to get a clue, not hand over a wallet." ~ No-Morning-9018
"Agree. Also, OP mentions her friend has debt."
"They could be putting all their holidays and extras on credit to keep up appearances and were ok making those payments before but now that inflation is hitting everyone they're starting to feel it."
"Otherwise why is the husband taking the bus if gas is so expensive?"
"Friend may actually be in a worse situation since it sounds like OP can at least pay all their bills just nothing much left for extra after." ~ Intelligent-Panda-33
"I'm not sure if i'd even put soft in front of YTA."
"Being rich nowadays requires people to have an excess of cash."
"Her friend seems to be upper middle class, which is still worlds away from rich. It doesn't take much to realize that almost everyone in the country is having a difficult time right now."
"I think that it is a bit disingenuous of OP to claim to know how 'rich' her friend is but not recognize that she actually has no idea what their finances really look like."
"Sure, they go on trips and have a nice flat, but that doesn't mean that they have tons of money in their savings."
"It doesn't mean they don't have money tied up in things that are unaccessible." ~ pinklemonaid396
"YTA. I understand your frustration."
"I've been around people like her, too."
"But, you should've explained to her nicely your perspective and how her complaints made you feel instead of vilifying her 'ignorance.'"
"She sounds like she'd understand you based on your story."
"And, inflation does affect everyone. It's a b***h." ~ nutsureyet
"YTA. I cannot stand people who play the trauma Olympics."
"Unless you have seen their bank statements and bills and investments and everything else, you really have no idea what their financial situation is."
"It just sounds like you are jealous that they do all of this stuff when you can't."
"It sucks that you are having financial troubles, but that doesn't mean that her financial struggles are any less stressful."
"And for you to minimize and disregard her feelings makes you a bad friend." ~ TieFew8487
"Same. It's invalidating and quite rude."
"OP has poor boundaries and communication and she's making this her friends issue."
"If she felt uncomfortable hearing about her friends money issues, it's an easy fix to say that and end the conversation."
"It's not the friends job read OPs mind like this."
"OP, next time just say 'Im not very comfortable hearing about your financial issues at the moment because I'm doing through a tough time too. Let's switch the topic.'"
"Then you'd never have to hear about it again."
"YTA by the way." ~ Lookatthatsass
"YTA. She is too privileged to see your point?"
"Nahhh, you're too envious to see how you are wrong." ~ Puzzleheaded-Big1680
Well OP, Reddit understands your dilemma but has some issues.
Maybe a conversation with a little more finesse will help.
Everybody has troubles, let's deal together.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.