Proposing to a significant other can be a daunting thought.
Everyone wants it to be memorable and perfect.
But is there such a thing as perfect?
Maybe people would rather not wait for the imperfect proposal instead of watching time dwindle.
Redditor Aggressive_One8138 found themselves in a personal dilemma regarding the status of their relationship, so they turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
They asked:
“AITAH for telling my girlfriend I no longer plan to propose to her? Please read the context…”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I’m 28 and my G[irl]F[riend] is 27, we’ve been together for almost 3 years, and we live together.”
“We’ve got a pretty solid relationship going on.”
“No cheating or drama, we’ve both got good jobs, we talk about the future, and our families get along great.”
“As far as I was concerned, we were doing all right.”
“The only small issue has been the whole engagement/proposal thing.”
“I’m not against marriage, to be honest, I’ve been looking forward to it and had a ring picked out, but I wanted it to be a surprise, so I didn’t give her a specific date.”
“I told her it was coming, though, and I thought we were on the same page.”
“But over the past six months, she’s started to get more and more fixated on it – at first it was just normal conversation, then it turned into a bunch of little ‘jokes’ and comments about when I’d finally put a ring on it.”
“Lately, though, it’s been on her mind 24/7.”
“Anything we disagree on gets turned into some variation on ‘this is why you haven’t proposed yet.'”
“Last week, when I saw a message preview on her iPad., I clicked on it (I know I shouldn’t have) and saw a group chat with her friends.”
“They’re all discussing how to manipulate me into proposing… things like giving me the cold shoulder, not putting in any effort as a partner, making me feel like I’ve done something wrong, no physical intimacy, and so on.”
“They were even talking about using her birthday as a deadline and making it clear to me that there were other options on the table if I didn’t come through.”
“I’m not upset that she wants me to marry her.”
“Before this, I really did want to marry her.”
“But now I am questioning whether or not I should really spend the rest of my life with someone who might manipulate me.”
“Anyways, I asked her straight out if she’d been trying to get me to propose by using all these weird tricks.”
“And when she said yeah, she’d been trying to get some clarity and not waste any more time.”
“Basically saying that I should just propose already because if I were serious, I’d have already done it.”
“I told her I’m not proposing, especially if I’m being coerced into doing it.”
“Basically, I told her if she keeps trying to manipulate me like that, I’m basically off the proposal train.”
“Now she’s going around saying I’m punishing her for having some standard relationship needs and that I’m just dangling marriage as a way to control her because I’m not proposing fast enough.”
“And her friends all think I’m the bad guy because I looked at her private messages.”
“Fair enough.”
“I get it.”
“She wants to know when we’re going to be engaged.”
“I get that three years is a reasonable amount of time to start feeling some anxiety about when things are going to get serious.”
“But you can’t force someone to marry you.”
“And most importantly, it’s just made me realize that our relationship has been treated like some kind of game by her.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for telling her I’m not considering proposing for now after this?”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP WAS the A**hole here.
“If you told her a proposal was coming soon, she was probably getting antsy.”
“Have you even actually bought a ring yet?”
“You just said you picked one in the post, but not that you bought it.”
“If its been 6 months its not surprising she is getting like that.”
“If you dont want to actually propose and be with her, you should just break up.” ~ realityseekr
“Yes, I recognized it too.”
“I’ve been with an ex for 6 years when I learned he was never going to propose, despite the fact that in the first 3 years he kept saying how he can’t wait to marry me.”
“When in fact, he could wait. Forever.”
“This is what OP is doing.”
“The GF is wrong for trying to manipulate him, but he sure outshone her. YTA.” ~ 90s_*itch
“I believe this is called future faking, and you kind of just got called out for it.” ~ Shdjdicnfmlxkf
“So you told her you were ready to propose and then kicked the can down the road for 6 months… only to be like ‘nnnooooo you’re looking forward to it too much; now I don’t wanna’…”
“You never intended to propose, you just wanted the happy feelings of pretending you were going to. YTA.” ~ highoncatnipbrownies
“I agree.”
“He basically lied to her and said they were going to get engaged.”
“He needs to leave and let her go find someone who cares about her needs.”
“He clearly doesn’t.”
“He’s treating this relationship as a game.” ~ TracyVegas
“So, before finding the messages on her iPad, why were you dragging your feet about proposing?”
“If I’m reading this correctly, you basically said you would propose, and now 6 months later, you still haven’t.”
“I’d be frustrated too, if I were your girlfriend.” ~ Dog-Mom2012
“I think people are missing that part.”
“He was dragging his feet because he really didn’t want to.”
“He was waiting for a reason and found one. YTA.” ~ PlantMan82
“He thought he got to unilaterally decide his partner is an indefinite girlfriend.”
“I’m not sure that he realizes she can leave any time.”
“OP, you’ve been with her for 3 years, and you live together.”
“If you don’t know by now, the answer is no.”
“Let her loose so can pursue something you already know is important to her with somebody else- marriage. YTA.” ~ Catfactss
“Bingo! At 3 years, he knows if he wants to marry her, and if he did, he would have proposed already.”
“He made a game of it by stringing her along and gets ‘offended’ that she is trying to push a timeline.”
“She is also wrong for playing games to try to force it, though.”
“If you have to manipulate your way into an engagement, then he doesn’t want to marry you, and you’re just fast-tracking your way to more misery and divorce.” ~ JustKindaHappenedxx
“It’s called either sh*t or get off the pot.”
“If you love her, are faithful to her, can see a life with her.”
“Then get on with it.”
“You should know by this point.”
“If you feel this relationship isn’t right for you.”
“Break up, move on, and let her go.”
“You have known all along the end goal was marriage.”
“You 2 had been talking about it.”
“Otherwise, you are dragging her around by the nose and wasting her time. YTA.” ~ Technical-Habit-5114
“Let me get this straight, you guys have been together for years, solid relationship, yall are both in good spots in your life, you’re sitting on a ring and already made her wait six months?”
“Bruh, it’s not an egg, either sh*t or get off the pot.”
“If someone was doing what you’re doing to me, I’d go crazy too.”
“At this point, just let her go; it’s obvious you don’t want to propose, otherwise you would have already.”
“Especially now that you’ve made her insecure about your relationship.”
“By the way. YTA.” ~ UnicornMegahorn
“I like that he thinks now he has a ‘reason’ to not propose, he can just never propose, and she will be fine being an indefinite girlfriend.”
“It has reached critical ‘get married or break up’ levels – and frankly, I don’t know how she can marry him at this point without feeling like she got a shut-up ring.” ~ Music_withRocks_In
“Oh, but he doesn’t want to let her go.”
“He just wants her to shut up about getting married.”
“He would like to keep her as a permanent girlfriend and never have to commit further to her.”
“After all, he isn’t even talking about breaking up with her, just withdrawing his vague promise of marriage.” ~ agitated_houseplant
“YTA, you don’t tell someone a proposal is on the horizon and then not do it or have further discussions about why you’re not doing it.”
“I can’t imagine how insecure that probably made her feel.” ~ littledogs11
“My wife knew when I bought the ring.”
“My brother came to town, and we went out together.”
“She was asking questions about why she couldn’t come, and I just told her we were going to look at rings.”
“I got busy at work with travel, and my proposal plans kept getting ruined by rain, and she got more and more frustrated with me.”
“She just told me that she didn’t care what or how the proposal was going to happen, and just to do it because of the anxiety, wondering if I was getting cold feet and didn’t want to marry her was awful.”
“I just listened to her and had empathy for that feeling.”
“I also didn’t give a sh*t about the proposal as long as she thought it felt special.”
“I would marry that woman any place, any time, as soon as possible.”
“Proposed like 2 days later when I got home early from a work trip and could surprise her.”
“Anyway, you’re being immature and stubborn for no reason.”
“Maybe there is some underlying issue because I think her anxiety is fairly normal here.”
“Turning it into a character problem she has is a wild response by you.” ~ DietAny5009
“It’s been at least 6 months since you told her a ring and proposal were coming, and you’re mad because she is trying to get you to actually sh*t or get off the pot? YTA.” ~ MoodOk4607
Reddit is not thrilled with you, OP.
Granted, your GF’s machinations are not the best course of action either.
Sounds like she’s a little lost because you’re sort of dragging your feet.
Time to make some big life decisions.