Working with your spouse or significant other can be fraught with difficulties, especially when your partner thinks they've got extra authority just because you're the boss.
That's the sticky situation a man on Reddit found himself in when his wife threatened to fire an employee. He wasn't sure about how handled it, so he went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for input.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by the name Honest_Doctor8039 on the site, asked his fellow Redditors:
AITA For telling my wife she's not the boss?
He explained:
"For starters my(M[ale] 41) wife(F[emale] 39) have been together 16 years. When she met me I was at the height of my business and starting to go up from there, even during the pandemic my business is still booming. I had my own house(that I lived in by myself), a couple cars and a cottage although that is unrelated."
"I own my own factory refurbishing various re-engineered equipment, mostly HVAC stuff. About 3 years after we got married she decided she had enough of working odd jobs and making not-so-great money at it so she expressed she wanted to be a SAHW."
"I had no problem with this, we don't have kids and don't plan on having any so I saw this as a win-win as she got to stay home, and I came home to a nice house."
"After 3 years of this she was tired of being a SAHW and wanted to re-join the workforce. Since she could really only find odd jobs I suggested she work at my shop. I pretty much created a job for her doing small admin stuff, nothing crazy as I used to do all this myself plus work on the floor but this took a load off my shoulders; obviously she got paid a healthy wage for her work and I hired a cleaner to come in once a week to help us clean and maintain the house."
"On to the problem: one of my workers accidentally order 20 of one part instead of 2. This was a bit of a big deal as now instead of being out a few hundred dollars I'm now out thousands. While I wasn't royally pissed off this did put a large dent in my overhead so I had to offload these parts. Barely made my money back but that's beside the point."
"My wife however found out and absolutely BERATED this poor guy. I've had this guy work for me for over 10 years and his work is solid; he's a hard working man, 2 kids, another on the way and he's become my go-to guy for almost anything."
"I didn't hear any of the situation until I heard screaming from my wife that she was going to fire him and he cost her hours of re-work and budgeting etc...(this is simply not true as 2 phone calls and some editing on our books and everything would be right as rain, tops a 1 hour affair)"
"She and he finally filled me in and I told her to leave the room so I could talk to him. She refused; I asked again and once again she refused. I asked one more time and my worker was on the verge of tears and I yelled at her and told her 'You're not the boss, I am. I make these decisions, now LEAVE'."
"I talked it over with him, we made amends as it was an honest mistake and he hasn't had a screw-up like this since he started so I'm not concerned about it happening again."
"My wife was livid and after yelling about his screw-up has refused to talk to me. I'm clearly in the dog-house here but I refuse to think I did anything wrong as she was, in my opinion, being needlessly unreasonable and on a power trip. AITA?"
Redditors were then asked to weigh-in on who was in the wrong in OP's situation using the following acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
And they were pretty much unanimous that OP's wife was way out of line.
"NTA"
"If your wife pulled that crap in any other job she'd be fired on the spot. At work she's your employee, not your wife and she has zero business treating your employees like this. Employees with far more seniority to her none the less." --kalkiki
"NTA, she should be fired and have concequences for her actions, no boss would tolerate this sh*t. She can work odd jobs again." --Mera1506
"This so hard!"
"Not only she has no place to be the owner's wife at a place of work if she herself a worker, she had no place making threats to emploees when OP. The OWNER HIMSELF, wasn't making it that much of a deal"
"NTA op!" --L1K34PRO
"Yep definitely NTA. This comment above needs to be explained to wife. She's your employee, not boss, not supervisor, not manager, not in a position to make such calls. This is your realm to manage and she needs to respect your decision or find somewhere else to work."
"Unfortunately it can be very difficult working with family members as boundaries are often crossed and relationships destroyed. Hopefully you can have an adult conversation about it where she understand the error of her ways." --lu-cy-inthesky
"NTA but this is one of the reasons many people refuse to mix business and family. It inevitably becomes personal and not everyone can separate the two." --Breadcrumb-Forest
Though a few people felt OP was partially in the wrong for creating this workplace dynamic in the first place.
"...OP created this situation by hiring his wife, and enabling a situation over the course 10 years to the point where she thought she was the boss too and obviously has some influence with other employees yet does not have the skills and perspective to respond appropriately."
"Assuming that wife reports directly to OP, OP is completely responsible for correcting the behaviour of his direct report towards another employee. But he can't do it effectively because he's married to her..."
"...OP you sound pretty patronising of your wife while having nepotismed her into thinking she was doing a lot more than you think she is - everything you say about her role might be true but did you really think it was never going to come back to bite you that you basically think your wife is, at work, no more than an admin flunky you don't really need, while also giving her a protected role in the business you manage?" --elsehwere
Hopefully these two can learn from this and find a better working arrangement.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.