No good deed goes unpunished. Or maybe a better saying might be beggars can't be choosers.
The former speaks to the best intentions blowing up in a person's face.
The latter speaks to entitlement when receiving free or low-cost help is a bad look.
A homeowner who decided to help a friend in need and now regrets it turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit for feedback.
RoommateHouseDrama asked:
"AITA for not giving my roommate more space?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (29, female) am a homeowner. I inherited a 3-bedroom house after my Aunt died of cancer two years ago. She had no children, and we were close, so it was a no-brainer that she'd leave it to me."
"I spent the first year after the house passed to me renovating it and making it feel like mine."
"It was around the time this finished that my friend (29, female) had to leave her boyfriend's flat after they broke up and she didn't have a backup plan. I let her move in with me and told her she was of course welcome to stay."
"I gave her the second largest bedroom, which is 13 square meters, with its own bathroom. I have the master bedroom, and the box room is my office as I work from home."
"I told her that the bedroom she had was her space and to decorate it however she wanted. Beyond that, she had access to all communal areas of the house, the living room, the kitchen, and the garden."
"The only places I asked her not to go were my bedroom (if uninvited), my office, and the loft, which I'd renovated into my D&D room. I'm a DM and my party meets every Saturday to play."
"Despite not charging her rent, I had an agreement written up so we were both clear. I'm kind, not stupid."
"It's been a year and I thought things were going well. I don't charge her rent; my only request is that she split the utility bills and groceries bill."
"I had a few rules, but nothing insane. A heads up if she had an overnight guest, no loud noise after 11pm on a weekday, and to keep her own space clean."
"She has randomly told me yesterday that she needs more space. That it's not fair she only has her bedroom, bathroom, and the communal areas while I have my bedroom, bathroom, office, loft, and communal areas."
"I was shocked. She'd never expressed any unhappiness with this layout that I'd noticed."
"I told her that, yeah, I had more space, but she had to keep in mind it was my house, and I'd set up these spaces for me before she even came to stay."
"She got upset with this and said I was being unfair and we need to rethink the layout of the house."
"This has made me a bit uncomfortable. I let her stay when she had nowhere else to go, and I was happy to give her free control over her own space, but I can't help but feel this is rather ridiculous."
"AITA?"
The OP later added:
"I care about her a great deal. I was happy to help her out and give her a space to stay."
"The money isn't really needed for me and I'm fine paying the property tax alone as she chips in in her own ways through utility and groceries. I'm lucky, thanks to my Aunt, I have both a house for life and a nice little nest egg."
"It seemed right to sort of 'pay it forward,' you know? But I'm seriously rethinking my generosity now."
"Squatters Rights isn't a thing in my country, thankfully, not the way it is in America. To succeed, a squatter must occupy the property continuously without permission for a minimum of 10 to 12 years while acting as the owner."
"As she doesn't pay rent, she has no rights at all. All I need to do is give her 4 weeks' notice if I want her out."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I could be the a**hole I guess as I have so much room compared to her and haven't checked in that she is OK with this."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. You need to encourage her to move on."
"She now thinks she's entitled to dictate living arrangements in someone else's house. That genie cannot be returned to the bottle."
"And sad to say, but this friendship is probably over." ~ subsailor1968
"No decent friend would dare ask for more space in that situation." ~ KingsRansom79
"The girl is delusional, acting like she's OP's life-partner while mooching for free."
"Time for her to live on her own. A perfect case of biting the hand that feeds you, too bloody common." ~ GraceOfTheNorth
"Yeah, if I didn't have to pay rent, I'd be afraid of doing anything that might piss my free ride off."
"As they say, no good deed goes unpunished."
"It's easier said than done, OP, but I would tell her this arrangement is no longer working, and give her a month to move out. Tell her she can have all the space she wants, just in a different home." ~ LookAwayPlease510
"Without paying rent? No, no, no…time for her to face real life. Sounds like this was initially a temporary solution for her situation. Now she's way too entitled. Time to go. NTA." ~ rainyhawk
"Even paying rent wouldn't make this okay. The owner of the house decides which areas are communal and which aren't." ~ BobMortimersButthole
"Someone else's house, and she doesn't even pay rent! That's some entitled BS. Definitely time for her to move out so she can have more space that she actually pays for." ~ Worldly-Grade5439
"Talk to her and say, 'I completely agree that you need your own space. Have you found somewhere to move into that gives you that space? I realise that you must have been saving all that money from no rent so you must be able to afford somewhere of your own by now, right?'."
"Be clever about this. She is a grown woman, living rent-free in a house where she has full access to communal areas and her very large bedroom and ensuite, but that isn't enough."
"Good luck to her! Time for her to move on."
"You're NTA by the way. She is. And being very rude about it too!" ~ Powerful_Put_6977
"Yeah, this is one choosy f*cking beggar."
"You want a clean roommate who won't complain about a single thing and who will role-play the hell out of anything you need? I will take her spot in a heartbeat."
"I am even a great baker!" ~ EfficientDismal
"Just adding on to this OP, but this was a huge (and remarkably entitled) ask that is character-defining. Don't let her shift things back to normal."
"She's got resentment and jealousy growing, and it appears that she is the sort to try to take a mile for any foot you give."
"It's 100% time that she moves on. Give her notice for her to move on."
"I'd say to be aware that you're likely to lose this friendship, but really, I think that you already lost it. A friend would not ask for this while receiving such a huge gift." ~ Convenient-Enemy-511
"NTA she's not even paying rent, and demanding more space?"
"Absolutely not. If she's unhappy with the current setup, she's welcome to move out and go live elsewhere."
"If she wants 50% of the house space, then she can pay 50% of the market rate for a similar home, plus her share of utilities and groceries." ~ Jerseygirl2468
"Does she think she's on the deed or something?"
How does a person who only pays for utilities (half!) come up with this idea?"
"There is no WE, roommate."
"WE will not be rethinking the layout."
"NTA." ~ sweetT333
"So, she's staying rent-free, with an en-suite bathroom, and now decides she gets to say that isn't good enough or 'fair'. The entitlement of some people shocks me."
"NTA. You should tell her she can get her own place with as much space as she is willing to pay for and she'll find out how much space she can afford!" ~ Narfie_
"NTA, you've been incredibly generous, and you don't deserve this entitlement and ungratefulness. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to continue living with her after this." ~ needysublustydom1
"If I had someone so generous as to house me for a share of utility bills and groceries with nothing expected of me apart from keeping clean and tidy, boy oh boy, I would be the dream housemate!"
"I'd make dinner for my 'landlord' on the regular with enough leftovers to have for lunch the next day, weekend brunches, and the occasional baked good. The toilets would be mirror-shiny clean daily. The laundry room and pantry would be Instagram decanted, rotated, and arranged into aesthetically matching cannisters."
"I would be so much of an asset to live with that the gravy train of free rent would never end! And here she is, shooting herself in the foot. That's just stupid." ~ Professional_Ruin953
Apparently the phenomenon of ingratitude coupled with entitlement is common enough that there's a subReddit for it called Choosing Beggars.
It sounds like OP's houseguest has outgrown her space.
Time for her to move on to larger, no-longer-free accommodations.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.