It's always a risky endeavor to lend loved ones money.
Generally speaking, this sort of generosity is not taken for granted, and those on the receiving end are very conscious of this and do their best to pay off their debts as quickly as possible.
Others, however, begin to expect continuous financial assistance and make no effort to improve their poor spending and money management habits.
Resulting in their relationships being negatively impacted as well.
The in-laws of Redditor DifficultOffice6268 were in an ever-growing state of financial distress.
Eventually turning to the original poster (OP) for help.
While the OP was willing to consider helping their in-laws out, they would do so on one condition.
A condition that was an absolute non-starter for her sister-in-law (SIL).
Wondering if they were being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for pushing my sister-in-law to sell her $60k engagement ring?"
The OP explained what their SIL would need to do to be lent any money from the OP:
"My brother’s business is going through severe financial issues, and as a result he and my sister-in-law are in a very bad financial situation."
"Between my parents, siblings, and other relatives, our family has given them over $150,000 combined to help keep them afloat."
"They have three kids under 3 and are stuck in an $8,500/month lease until early next year, so their expenses are still extremely high even though their financial circumstances have changed dramatically."
"At this point, I don’t think the family is likely to give them much, if any, additional money."
"Ideally, we would also eventually get at least some of the money we’ve already given them back."
"My sister-in-law has an engagement ring that originally cost around $60,000, and I’ve been pushing for them to sell it."
"I’m getting a fair amount of blowback for that.I understand that she wouldn’t get anywhere close to the original purchase price and that an engagement ring is highly sentimental."
"But it’s hard for me to reconcile the family having contributed more than $150k while they continue to hold onto a luxury asset worth tens of thousands of dollars."
"At a certain point, it starts to feel like we’re subsidizing luxury rather than simply helping a family through a crisis."
"If they can sell the ring for a meaningful amount, that money could go toward supporting their kids, paying necessary expenses, or potentially repaying some of the family members who stepped in to help them."
"Other people think I’m being too harsh because it’s her engagement ring and has emotional significance."
"I was one of the people who lent them money in case it's unclear."
"They tried to negotiate out of the lease, but the landlord says no unless he can find another tenant."
"They live in a very landlord-friendly state, so they'd still be on the hook for the remaining rent."
"Am I being unreasonable for pushing them to sell it?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, most agreed that the OP was, indeed, the a**hole for pressuring their SIL to sell her engagement ring.
Some agreed that the OP was doing the right thing in forcing her SIL to figure out a way to find money without borrowing it from family, even if they did feel the OP was somewhat responsible for her SIL's dependence on others:
"I think you are wasting your breath."
"Next time they come asking for money, tell them you don't have any more to give."
"As long as you are enabling them, she has no reason to sell."
"NTA."- SeaworthinessDue8650
"A. Where in the heck do they live that is costing $8500 a month?"
"That’s WILD!"
"B. While you are NTA, I think I’d just stay out of it."
"Family and money issues DO NOT mix."- sammagee33
"It’s worth noting that diamonds are worth a tiny fraction of their value once they leave the jeweler."
"Resale values on second-hand engagement rings are pennies on the dollar."
"I would be surprised if she was able to get even 10k for it, so that’s worth factoring in."
"It’s likely that selling other assets - cars, expensive furniture, art, handbags, designer shoes, fancy golf clubs, tools, AV equipment, etc."
"Would net more money than the ring."
"Or that looking into the cost of breaking their lease or canceling other subscriptions would help."
"I think light YTA for focusing on the engagement ring when it sounds like your brother’s business decisions got them into this mess and I’m sure your SIL is already devastated."
"Again, the resale value is likely such a drop in the bucket compared to the overall situation that unless you’re leaving things out, there should be other items to cut."
"I would be shocked if she has a ring that valuable and your brother didn’t also have luxury vehicles, watches, and other assets to match."
"But NTA if you refuse to give them further money to bail them out, especially not without an ironclad legal repayment agreement."
"You didn’t give any context about their lifestyle, and perhaps you’re leaving out context - does the SIL push them to spend outside their means?"
"Does your brother do so and like to show off the superficial trappings of wealth?"
"Or is this just bad luck?"
"All of that may contribute to judgments here, but without that detail, your post seems weirdly focused on the ring alone and makes it seem like jealousy or resentment."- whiskeyinthewoods
"NTA, Not unreasonable, after accepting that much help, they better be selling anything of value."- tedlassoloverz
Most, however, felt the OP was putting unfair pressure on their SIL, over something that probably ultimately wouldn't make much difference to her financial situation:
"Sentimental jewelry such as wedding and engagement rings are typically not counted as assets for bankruptcy and government aid, for good reason."
"It's odd that you're so fixated on an 'asset' that doesn't hold anywhere near the value of its cost."
"The proceeds of that ring won't solve their problems."
"It's fine to stop giving them money, but stop harassing your SIL."
"YTA."- pooppaysthebills
"Soft YTA."
"Soft because you and your family have gone far above and beyond to support them."
"However, the ring was purchased before they hit financial problems."
"Her keeping it does not mean you are 'subsidizing luxury'."
"If they were begging for money and STILL buying expensive new cars and taking expensive vacations, THAT would be subsidizing luxury."
"Her keeping probably the most sentimental piece of jewelry she'll ever have is not."
"Change the scenario and ask yourself if this was your SISTER, rather than sister-in-law, would you expect the same?"-OneLessDay517
"YTA."
"Just stop giving them money."
"You all chose to give them that much to help them."
"You weren’t the AH for suggesting it initially.'
"But you state you’ve been pushing it."
"Just stop."
"It’s not your business."
"Just don’t give them money and let them sink or swim on their own."
"It’s their responsibility to figure out."- Disastrous-Nail-640
"Jewelry resale is abysmal."
"Assuming it’s diamond, it will likely be extremely bu low, so I’m not sure it’s even worth it."
"Despite that, it’s their decision what to do, and you can advise, but pushing them to do something is overstepping in my opinion."
"For that reason, I’m going with YTA."- Downtown_Midnight579
"YTA and I only say this because it’s really none of your business."
"But FFS don’t give them another penny!"
"They’re adults who need to figure this out for themselves."- AryaStark1313
"YTA."
"But not for wanting them to sell it."
"The problem is that jewelry is grotesquely overpriced."
"If you don’t believe me, take any piece to a jewelry store or independent jeweler and see what they offer you for it."
"They won’t even get $25,000.00 for it."- AkkmanB
"YTA wedding rings don’t have great resale or pawn value."
"Telling her to sell the wedding ring is really taking her down."- Top-Balance-465
"YTA."
"It's none of your business."
"You lent money you probably won't get back and that's awful."
"I'm sorry because that sucks."
"She literally wouldn't even get half of what her ring was bought for though."
"He just needs to declare bankruptcy at this point and go through with getting evicted and consolidating their debt."-Lighthouse_on_Mars
"YTA."
"You are choosing to give them money."
"Your family is choosing to get them money."
"That ring will resell for pennies on the dollar for what it cost- it's unreasonable to expect her to basically give away a very sentimental item to pay back 1% of what they have borrowed."
"Leave her alone, and stop lending money if you are going to be rude about it."- ConstantlyCryingGirl
The OP isn't wrong to believe that their SIL needs to stop expecting her family to keep lending her money.
That said, while selling her engagement ring will likely get her some money, it likely won't be enough to help her in the long run.
If the OP genuinely wants her to get back on her feet, she might want to consider other ways to help that don't involve lending money or selling heirlooms.
