It does a village to help raise children.
That village, though, is working off the cues of parents.
Just because some parents are lucky enough to have villages, that doesn't mean they relinquish any responsibilities.
Children are always finding ways to stir up trouble.
Redditor Key_Layer5084 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITAH for not separating drinks in a cooler?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Last weekend I hosted a small barbecue at my house."
"I invited a few friends and some neighbors since the weather was nice."
"One of my neighbors brought their young kid, who is about eight years old."
"I set out food, drinks, and a cooler with beer and soda."
"Everything was going fine until I noticed the kid had taken one of the beers from the cooler."
"I immediately took it away and told him that it was not for him."
"The neighbor got upset and said I should not have put alcohol where kids could reach it."
"I was confused because the cooler was sitting on the patio next to the grill, clearly full of beer cans, and I did not expect an eight-year-old to just grab one without asking."
"I told the parent that they should keep an eye on their child."
"The parent got defensive and left early with the kid."
"Now word has gotten around to some of the other neighbors, and I feel like people are whispering about me being careless."
"I feel bad because I did not want anyone to feel uncomfortable at my house, but at the same time, I do not think it was my responsibility to childproof everything when there were parents right there."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So am I the a**hole for not separating the beer cooler from the rest of the food at my barbecue, or should the parent have been more responsible for watching their child?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"A neighbor's BBQ is not free childcare."
"They should have been watching their child."
"Rather than apologize for their child taking without asking, they tried to shift the blame to you. NTA." ~ BorderlineTG
"Love it when people think that other people should child-proof your home because they have kids over."
"How about you watch your darn kid yourself?" ~ bklynking1999
"Or when NEITHER parent wants to watch their kids and tries to fob it off on other friends or family."
"We watched my cousin and his wife lead their young children out onto the deck where my wife was sitting, look at each other, then dash back inside."
"We calmly got up and walked inside, too."
"We don't have kids on purpose."
"We aren't watching YOURS. NTA." ~ anonanon-do-do-do
"A scolding hot BBQ is also dangerous for children."
"So is cutlery."
"There are probably a dozen other 'dangerous' things at any party for children, like pulling on the tablecloth with a hot pan or drinks on the table, falling into the garden pond, going through someone's purse and mistaking the pill bottle for candy, wandering off premises into traffic, eating something they are allergic to."
"It's the parents who need to keep their child safe, or decide not to go somewhere dangerous with kids." ~ Bobbejan_Teleborian
"NTA - Anyone old enough to drink whatever they want without needing parental permission is old enough to read."
"Beyond that, beer is not appetizing unless you are used to the taste or desire the alcoholic effect."
"An 8-year-old fits neither of those categories, so something weird is going on there."
"This is 100% on the parents." ~ Maleficent_Web_6034
"Definitely NTA, but I disagree that 'something weird is going on' because the child grabbed a beer."
"Beer being 'not allowed' can be enough for a child to grab it when their parents aren't looking." ~ Baby_Rhino
"Agreed, and I don't think it even needs to be intentional."
"Just because an 8-year-old can read doesn't mean they are actually paying attention, nor that they would immediately recognize that any particular can was beer."
"Lots of cans have fancy designs that wouldn't immediately give away it's a beer if you didn't know better."
"A couple of years ago, I was at a party where a full-grown adult didn't realize the seltzer she grabbed was alcoholic because she didn't know the brand name and didn't read it very closely after she assumed she knew what it was." ~ StatePsychological60
"Au contraire, on kiddos and beer tastes!"
"My sister LOVED the taste of beer so much that my parents used to get O'Douls for her at home."
"I won't get into whether or not my parents were right or wrong for that, but there are weirdo alien kids who like beer taste, even crappy beer taste like O'Douls."
"Maybe their kid is one of them."
"But regardless, I completely agree that OP is NTA and this is entirely on the parents." ~ Fierywordess
"I mean, generally if there's kids there, you would have a cooler for the kids and one for the adults."
"But at the same time, it's on the parent to check that and to tell the kid what they can and can't have."
"I feel like this is going to vary by your location and culture, too." ~ Naive_Pay_7066
"Was the kid the only child at the barbecue?"
"If so, it seems kinda silly to have a separate cooler."
"If there were more kids, it might make sense to have a separate soda cooler, but even then, the parents need to keep at least a loose eye on their children."
"Growing up, my parents entertained a lot, and many of their friends did as well."
"We were told by our parents which drinks were for us vs. the adults, and they weren't necessarily in separate coolers."
"An 8-year-old can read the word 'beer,' 'ale,' or 'IPA' (or Lagunitas, Coors, Blue Moon, etc.) vs. Coke, Sprite, Dr Pepper, etc."
"Of course, my parents' friends would've stepped in and taken a beer away if they'd seen us with one (as you did), but the onus was on the parents, not the hosts."
"It sounds like the parent realized they weren't watching their child, was embarrassed by that, and lashed out and blamed you, vs. taking responsibility and instructing their kid on what not to do. NTA." ~ Abject_Grapefruit558
"NTA. People should be supervising what their kids are doing." ~ CherryStatic
"NTA - Parents need to parent."
"If the kid isn't smart/wise enough to recognize the things he drinks, the parents should've attended to his needs before he attempted to fend for himself."
"Or maybe their reaction was just a cover to hide the fact that their 8-year-old regularly consumes beer at home." ~ MechanicLoose2634
"That's 100% a parenting issue - a child should not be helping themselves to food or drinks at someone else's house without asking." ~ Independent-Truth891
"NTA. I think the parent is probably more embarrassed that you noticed their kid had a beer and they didn't." ~ Arterial3
"NTA. My parents used to take us to work events, and there would be Jell-O shots lying around on the picnic tables."
"It was their responsibility to tell us not to eat the yummy Jell-O."
"It was definitely not the responsibility of the organizer to make the event kid-proof." ~ UnicornVoodooDoll
"NTA is completely normal for all the drinks to go in together."
"8 years old is more than old enough to know the beer is for the adults."
"I doubt the kid would have been able to get the beer open anyway." ~ AriasK
"Would it be a nice thing to have alcoholic drinks separate from the non-alcoholic ones? Sure."
"There are enough hard root beer/lemonade/spritzers that are easily confused for the non-hard versions that it's easy for a kid to never notice the difference when they pick it up."
"Is it the parents' responsibility to get drinks for their kid? Absolutely. NTA." ~ drossdragon
"Sounds like you're the cool neighbor to me."
"All the kids are gonna want to come over now."
"But seriously, NTA."
"Parents still gotta parent, that's on them, not you." ~ neoprenewedgie
"NTA. Parents look after their kids."
"Or the surrounding adults."
"If you don't want to watch your kids, don't go, or go without them."
"When I was a kid, there were mixed coolers and no one blinked an eye."
"And I never (or other kids) went for alcohol." ~ Jane-Doe202
"Same here."
"And my parents did a lot of business entertaining."
"The pop bottles and liquor bottles were together on the same table as they were used for mixing."
"We definitely knew from the age of 4 or 5 what was adult 'pop' and kid pop."
"And we were taught to ask mom or dad before taking some." ~ MurkyInvestigator622
"A couple of years back, my 8-year-old nephew wandered off for a second and grabbed a white claw out of some random cooler while we were tailgating."
"It was half gone before his parents found him (like 10 minutes later)."
"It wasn't the other tailgater's fault that happened."
"His parents should've had a closer eye on him."
"But it's not that deep."
"S**t happens." ~ Commercial-Place6793
"NTA. Even though I would personally separate beer from pop/juice/water."
"I would also make sure MY OWN kid is grabbing what they are supposed to be grabbing from coolers."
"If parents think you had genuine bad intentions by not separating them, I wish they would've seen my parents growing up."
"My parents brought 1 water each for my sister and me, a cooler FULL of beer, and once our waters were gone, we were allowed to put some ice in the bottles and let it melt for a drink." ~ Ok_Guest7053
"NTA, the other cooler would be right next to it."
"If the parent isn't watching their kid, what is to prevent them from finding it anyway?" ~ messiemessiemessie
Reddit has your back, OP.
Parents are still responsible for their kids at parties, especially adult parties.
You can't be everywhere all of the time when hosting.
This parent could have easily and politely asked you to separate the drinks when they arrived.
There was no need to chastise you.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp