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Guy Called Out For Not Telling ‘Toxic’ Estranged Mom That His Dad Is Now Married To A Man

Jose Luis Pelaez Inc/Getty Images

We all at some point have to come to terms with the fact that not every relationship is going to work out.

Once the couple is broken up, however, they may not like who the other person dates, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.

Redditor BeautifulStrong789 was placed in an awkward position when his mother blamed him for not telling her who her ex-husband started dating.

When she became increasingly angry about it, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if they’d been deceptive.

He asked the sub:

“AITA for not telling my mom that my dad is gay?”

The OP had a tough family dynamic growing up.

“I’m 26 [Male], My mom is 48 [Female], and my dad is 48 [Male]. They got married in 1995 and I was born the same year.”

“For the first couple of years, my mom treated my dad well, but later she started treating him like crap.”

“My dad was always nice, respectful, faithful, and he served every duty as a father, son, and husband, whereas my mom was ‘something else.'”

“My dad was always treated horribly by my mom, but my dad stayed in that relationship till I was 18.”

“He didn’t want it to affect me as a child, and he didn’t want the divorce to cause issues, such as I stay with mom for this time, I stay with dad for this time/custody, etc.”

“He didn’t want that, he wanted me to still experience having a mother and a father, and he didn’t want to make anything dirty. He wanted to keep everything peaceful.”

The divorce happened when the OP turned 18.

“When I turned 18, it was 2013, and he called it quits with my mom.”

“When he told me he was divorcing mom, I was fine with it.”

“I also couldn’t really handle my mom either, because she was toxic, and overall I couldn’t stand being near her because it messed my mental health up.”

“My dad was going to move to Florida from Michigan.”

“My dad told me that he’s going to move to Florida as he found a new well-paying job there and he has family there as well.”

“My dad always gave me an opportunity if I want to move to his house, he’s really relaxed and he always tells me his doors are always open for me.”

“I’ve visited him numerous times and I’m gonna go to his house next week now that I have a lot of PTO holidays left.”

“I live in New York by myself, I have a corporate job here, and I make well enough for myself.”

The OP’s parents started seeing other people.

“I’m not really close to my mom, I’m in contact with her here and there. I’ll make a call/text here and there.”

“My mom is currently dating a guy named ‘Tim’ at the moment. I’ve never met him, because the last time I saw my mom in person was around 2019.”

“She also isn’t really welcoming, and she makes me feel like a burden so I don’t see her often.”

“My dad started dating a guy named ‘Mike’ around 2018. I’ve met with Mike and he’s a nice guy. Me, dad, and Mike have gone on numerous vacations/trips across the globe and we’ve all had fun.”

The OP’s mother was angry about who her ex-husband was dating.

“My dad recently got married to Mike, I came to the wedding and it was amazing.”

“My dad uploaded some of the marriage pictures on Insta and Facebook.”

“My mom saw it and basically was upset I didn’t tell her about the marriage and she feels I’m an a** for not telling her that Dad is gay and that she has the right to know about his marital status.”

“AITA?”

Fellow Redditors weighed in:

  • NTA: Not the A**hole
  • YTA: You’re the A**hole
  • ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
  • NAH: No A**holes Here

Some said the OP’s dad made the decision not to tell the mom, not the OP.

“Absolutely NTA. Your dad decided not to tell your mum, there’s no reason for you to be disrespectful with his decision by telling her.” – cgalisteo

“NTA.”

“After how badly she acted, she is in no position to judge. Plus, they’re not married anymore so, while he can still tell her if he so chooses and they’re on good terms, that obviously doesn’t apply here.”

“In any case he is under no obligation to tell an ex about his sexuality, especially since it sounds like she hasn’t been part of his life for years now.” – Huge_Cheesecake9863

“NTA. You aren’t obligated to tell her the ins and outs of her ex’s life and relationships. She’s a grown adult and can talk to him herself if she wants information.” – Reallyreallydad

“NTA. It was not your news to tell.”

“Since this all happened well after you were 18, so there are no co-parenting issues or anything else.”

“At this point, your mom is just your dad’s ex and only deserves to know whatever she can snoop out on social media.” – 1962michael

Others recommended cutting ties with the mother altogether.

“OP, since the relationship with mom seems like it’s already on a continuous decline, why not take this opportunity to be honest with her about your feelings and how if her behavior doesn’t change soon, she won’t have much more, if any, contact with you!”

“Her attacking you over your dad moving on is unacceptable. I fear she’s going to now validate her past toxic behavior and try to blame it on your dad’s sexuality and the fact he stayed with her. It’s an easy scapegoat for her.”

“I’d put all your cards on the table now, maybe she’ll hear you and work on correcting her toxic behavior, and maybe she’ll just disregard you, but at least that way you won’t have to have any regrets later.” – bloseja

“NTA—she’s no longer part of your dad’s life and it sounds like she’s barely part of yours, you’re not obligated to tell her anything.” – ao2s

“NTA Your Mom is toxic. Your parents are divorced and you’re an adult.”

“They don’t have a relationship anymore. It’s over and don’t let anyone try and put you in the middle.”

“Your Mom has issues, so let her try contacting your Dad. Don’t reply to stuff about your Dad, she needs to leave you out of it. Enjoy life.” – Maryanne0601

Though the mother tried to guilt the OP for not sharing more information, the subReddit insisted he did the right thing. Not only were his parents no longer in a relationship with each other, but kids shouldn’t be placed in the middle, and absolutely no one should be sharing someone’s identity with someone else. If anything, the OP handled the situation the only way he could have.

Written by McKenzie Lynn Tozan

McKenzie Lynn Tozan lives in North Chicago, where she works as a poet, freelance writer, and editor. She received her MFA in Creative Writing from Western Michigan University, and her BA in English from Indiana University South Bend. Her poems have appeared in Rogue Agent, Whale Road Review, the James Franco Review, Thank You for Swallowing, and elsewhere; and her essays and book reviews have appeared with Memoir Mixtapes, The Rumpus, BookPage, and Motherly, among others. When she's not reading and writing, she's in her garden or spending time with her family. For more, visit www.mckenzielynntozan.com.