Most of the time, the best thing about a present is not knowing what's underneath the wrapping.
That being said, when an occasion for presents arises, such as birthdays, holidays, or weddings, many people tend to want one specific thing, and are not afraid to lay hints, or flat out tell, their nearest and dearest.
With this in mind, we can't really blame people if they're disappointed when they don't receive said present on their special day.
The wife of a recent Redditor made it clear what she wanted for her birthday.
Unfortunately, it was a gift that the original poster (OP) wasn't terribly comfortable following through with.
As such, they didn't end up getting their wife what she wanted, much to her very noticeable disappointment.
Having some doubts about how they handled things, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not booking a getaway for my wife's birthday because she showed no enthusiasm?"
The OP explained why they found themself at odds with their wife over her birthday:
"My wife's birthday is in a couple of weeks, and she said she wants to spend some time in a hotel or somewhere away from the house."
"She also wanted to do something with her twin sister. I was thinking of going abroad (we're in the UK for context), but she didn't want to travel."
"We have children, which we won't/can't part with when on holiday, and her sister has children too."
"Part of the problem is when it comes to me suggesting a holiday, a place to go etc. she shows no enthusiasm or engagement at all."
"A couple of nights in a hotel is going to cost at least £500, so I want to make sure she's on board, etc."
"I arranged a call with her sister, and she didn't even bother to get involved, just walked off."
"I try to talk to her about suggestions, and I get the typical short answers, 'whatever you want,' etc."
"Now, I appreciate she would want me to put together something and sort it all out myself, but when we're spending so much money next to Christmas, it would be good to have some kind of discussion about it or her at least show some kind of excitement."
"I just don't want to book somewhere, and she spends most of the time staying in the hotel or complaining that she doesn't feel safe (which has happened the last two times I've arranged a family holiday)."
"I've ended up not booking anything (her sister pulled out because of the cost) and told her we'll just do a dinner or something."
"Now she's upset."
"AITA? Should I have just booked something or right to be skeptical after she showed no enthusiasm?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP found little support from the Reddit community, who almost unanimously agreed that the OP was, indeed, the a**hole for not booking their wife a getaway for their birthday.
Just about everyone agreed that the OP missed that what his wife wanted more than checking into a hotel was a gesture from the OP that she didn't need to plan herself, finding the OP's logic and actions selfish and obstinate:
"So it didn't occur to you to book a spa package for her with a room with two double beds and send her and her sister off while YOU look after all the kids."
"AKA give her a real weekend vacation?"
"YTA."- K_A_irony
"YTA."
"You didn't listen to what your wife wanted: an evening in a hotel without her children, with her sister, in a place where she feels comfortable and safe."
"A hotel in the next county would have been sufficient for her, I'm sure."
"Instead you jumped to 'abroad' which isn't what she wants, and even then bailed on the idea because she didn't show the right enthusiasm for it."
"Get her and her sister a weekend at a nice hotel, maybe a spa day."
"Have a lovely dinner, though."- mother_cryptid
"What she wants for her birthday:"
"Spend some time in a hotel away from the house."
"Spend some time with you and her sister."
"Not travel."
"What you have suggested: travel abroad."
"When she doesn't want to travel, and her sister can't afford it."
"She doesn't show enthusiasm?"
"You're doing nothing."
"Yes, you should have booked something that she asked for."
"Get a nice hotel for a night or two, someplace nearby."
"Have a nice evening, dinner, and get a babysitter."
"Spend the day with the kids and her sister doing something fun together the next day."
"You don't think a hotel is a worthwhile expense unless you're doing a big trip."
"She doesn't want a big trip."
"She does want to get away from the house."
"It's not your birthday, it's hers."
"YTA."- SummitJunkie7
"YTA."
"You want to get her a gift, but you want her to pick it out and plan it herself?"
"Your wife wants a break from the mental load."
"The way you are handling this puts the burden back on her."
"And instead of trying, you just give up and go with 'dinner out'."
"If she doesn't want to leave the hotel, find a resort that has everything on site: restaurant, spa, pool, etc."
"This isn't hard."- rialtolido
"'Hey honey, I noticed that you don't seem very excited for the vacation. Is something wrong?'"
"YTA."
"Communicate with your wife lol."- insert_skill_here
"So, as a Mum I don't want 'me time'."
"What I want is 'Not always asking mum even though dad is right there' time."
"She probably would love a weekend away where she heads off on the Friday afternoon, has a delicious dinner, a late sleep in, breakfast all to herself, a wonder around a quaint town/village, maybe a spa treatment or two, followed by a few cocktails and another amazing dinner, sleep in a bed all to herself and then heads home on Sunday afternoon to a clean house, no piles of laundry, a full fridge and dinner cooking quietly in the oven."
"But you aren't just doing it, you are expecting her to plan it and I bet she'd have to map out the weekend for you as well if your kids have weekend activities, and then she'll come home to a messy house, no dinner and you'll probably disappear off to the toilet for an hour cos you're exhausted after babysitting the kids all weekend."
"So what kind of a break would it really be?"
"YTA."- KoalaCapp
"YTA."
"I'm guessing that a big part of what your wife wanted was to not have to deal with the logistics."
"She told you what she wanted, and it was up to you to figure the rest out."
"But you didn't even half-a** this, you completely failed."
"It doesn't matter if you stayed in the hotel."
"That's what she asked for."
"But it's not your preferred vacation, so you did nothing."
"You suck."- No_Beyond_1995
"You want to go abroad, but she's specified not abroad."
"Why not book a weekend break in one of our beautiful spa towns, Harrogate and the like."
"Book a table at Betty's Tea Rooms or something similar."
"Or if she prefers something like a zoo, Chester is nice."
"Does she prefer the countryside?"
"Because there are endless amounts of beautiful little villages with bnbs or self-catering places."
"YTA for not paying attention, you must know something your wife likes, if not, no wonder she's upset."- HollyGoLately
"OK, let's figure it out then."
"She wants a city break but somewhere safe, so more cutesy than metropolitan."
"North that's York (or a Lake District town)."
"Middle that's Cambridge."
"South that's Canterbury, Bath or Oxford. South Coast, this time of year that's, I donno, Corfe."
"Smallest option but everywhere else will just be a rainy beach."
"Pick one near you and find a cute, old style hotel."
"Bam. Done."
"She wants you to take some initiative for goodness sake."
"YTA."- Mmm_hummus
"YTA."
"Book her a night in a hotel in town with a spa and let her order unlimited room service."
"No kids."
"Just her, and her sister if she wants."
"It's not that complicated."- noodle_bear2124
"YTA."
"Sir."
"Can you not even remotely see that you tried to give her something she literally did not want?"
"No duh she wasn't 'appropriately enthusiastic' about it."- AniCatGirl
"YTA."
"It's not hard to book a weekend vacation somewhere."
"You're blaming her for your lack of enthusiasm."- mooncrane606
It would be one thing if the OP were pestering their wife to make sure that she was getting exactly what she wanted for her birthday.
Instead, they seem to be trying to persuade her away from the very thing she wants the most.
Perhaps if the OP receives a half-hearted birthday present from their wife, they might finally understand her disappointment, and put in a little more effort next time.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp