No two people have the same idea of what they might consider "casual" or "formal attire."
Some men never leave the house without wearing a jacket and tie, nor do some women ever leave without high heels and a matching purse, even if they're just going to the grocery store.
Others are seen more often than not in sweatpants or a t-shirt and jeans.
As a result, when people are told that a dress code is "smart casual," the wardrobe choices of everyone present are bound to vary pretty widely.
A colleague of Redditor Ok-Training3714 was retiring, and to give them a proper send-off, her company threw them a party at a nearby restaurant, where the dress code was "smart casual".
Unfortunately, when the original poster (OP) arrived at the restaurant, she was informed that not all of her wardrobe met their dress code standards and was denied entry.
Feeling humiliated, the OP decided to forgo the party completely rather than change and return.
After being scolded for her decision, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Reddtors:
"AITA for not going home and changing my shoes for a restaurant's dress code?"
The OP explained why the shoes she wore to her colleague's retirement party ended up getting her in a whole lot of trouble:
"I (29 F[emale]) was recently invited to a work dinner, as one of my colleagues is retiring."
"It was being held at a little barbecue restaurant in town."
"I was told that the dress code was 'smart casual'."
"For context, I wore a nice skirt and button-up and a pair of crocs."
"I live in a hot climate, and lots of people such as myself wear sandals/crocs/flip flops everywhere."
"When we got to the restaurant, it turned out they had a dress code, and the hostess loudly told me I couldn't come in wearing Crocs."
"It was extremely embarrassing in front of my coworkers."
"I don't really understand the problem because there were people wearing sneakers, converse, etc, and that's fine, but Crocs aren't?"
"It wasn't even a fancy restaurant, so I really wasn't expecting this."
"Anyway, one of my coworkers urged me to go home and change my shoes and come back."
"I was so distraught I ended up just going home and not coming back."
"I suffer with anxiety, and the whole experience just made me melt down."
"My coworkers are now collectively angry at me for leaving and not coming back."
"My boss told me the event wasn't about me, and I should've sucked it up."
"Was I an a**hole for leaving?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The OP found little to no sympathy from the Reddit community, who all generally agreed that she was, indeed, the a**hole for not returning to her colleague's retirement party.
Everyone agreed that the OP should have been well aware that Crocs were not "smart casual" attire and that she was being childish in not returning to the party, agreeing that she was making the night about her and not her colleague:
"YTA."
"'I was told that the dress code was 'smart casual'."
"And I chose to ignore that and wear Crocs."- KronkLaSworda
"YTA."
"In what way are Crocs considered smart casual?"
"They are very casual shoes and, unlike sneakers, cannot pass at a glance for business casual shoes."
"No matter that Crocs are your standard footwear, this was an occasion with a specified dress code that does not include Crocs."
"Would you wear them to a wedding?"- lemon_charlie
"YTA."
"A dress code is a dress code."
"Businesses have a right to refuse service, and if they have a dress code, they tend to hold that in high regard since it impacts the visuals."
"If they deem Chucks appropriate but Crocs are a no-go, that's their prerogative (whether it makes sense to patrons or not)."
"And you're within your right not to patronize said establishment for any reason."
"Whether it's because your anxiety kicked in, you didn't feel like wasting gas on another round trip, or you just feel that strongly about Croc equality."
"However, your co-workers are correct."
"It wasn't about you; the event was for your retiring colleague."
"I get it; anxiety is rough to deal with."
"However, this could have been avoided had you actually acquiesced to the dress code stated beforehand."
"Crocs are not in any way 'smart casual.'"
"As a Croc-wearer myself with little to no sense for fashion, even I'm confident in that."
"If you were unsure, you should have thrown a backup pair of shoes into your trunk (my wife does this all the time when she's not sure if a place has an open-toe policy)."
"Sorry, but you need to take some accountability here."
"Smart/business casual just means use common sense when getting dressed."
"Most of the time, your co-workers don't need to see your prized collection of NSFW novelty shirts at a work function."
"And to dress like you're actually employed, as those visuals impact the company, also."
"The company was probably reminding the employees of this by saying 'smart casual' regardless of what the facility's actual dress code is."
"Then a lot of restaurants have footwear policies for many reasons (health, safety, optics, etc)."
"But I think these are two separate dress codes, not necessarily that the barbeque place itself had a business casual dress code."- consolelog_a11y
"YTA."
"Crocs do not fall into Smart Casual."
"If any restaurant has a dress code, it is safe to assume Crocs are likely not included in that dress code."- Hawk833
"YTA."
"Smart casual, and you wear Crocs?"
"Dress code or not."
"You'd seriously wear Crocs to a work function???!"- DELILAHBELLE2605
"YTA."
"What in the world made you think that Crocs were business casual or 'Smart Casual'"
"They are house shoes for children at best."
"Try to be more professional."- DANADIABOLIC
"YTA."
"Nowhere has that ever meant 'foam toddler shoes'."- StAlvis
"The dress code was the bare minimum."
"Crocs is saying 'I done care about anything', which is way below minimum."
"YTA."- Broad_Respond_2205
"YTA."
"Crocs are casual, not smart casual."
"You knew that there WAS a dress code, and you didn't call the restaurant to get details."
"That was your fault."
"You turned your coworker's retirement party into an occasion where you were the main topic of conversation, all over a pair of shoes."
"If your anxiety is so intense that you can't handle being told that you're not in dress code, you need to get help (or better help if you're already seeing a therapist)."- InappropriateAccess
"YTA."
"You put yourself in this situation."
"Crocs to a restaurant when you were told it's smart casual just doesn't make any sense at all."
"Also, you could've 'saved' the situation by simply going home, changing shoes, come back and be like 'haha my bad, let's have a great night,' but you didn't."- MssDare
"YTA."
"This was a work event, and like it or not, this type of thing can/will affect your career."
"Crocs are not smart casual, at all."- GirlFromMoria
"YTA for wearing Crocs to a work dinner."- MarionBerryBelly
"For anything outside your own yard and maybe medical environments, Crocs are never the right fashion choice."
"I understand feeling embarrassed, and don't think you're a raging AH, but next time, don't assume Crocs are okay for anywhere where there is even a remote mention of a dress code."
"They're akin to slippers."- No-Hedgehog9321
"YTA."
"You blew off a retirement party you had agreed to because you decided to wear Crocs to a smart casual dinner."- Foxlikebox
"Dress code are there for a reason, not 'just in case I feel in the mood for that dress code', and crocs are definitely not on the same level as sneakers."
"You're not forced to do it, but then you can't complain if there's consequences."
"I can see you're struggling with some anxiety and difficulties reading the room, but sorry YTA."- Marzi_R0s3
There were others, however, who felt the OP did nothing wrong, agreeing that "smart casual" is fairly vague and that Crocs could have easily fit into that description, and she didn't deserve such an unsympathetic response from her boss and colleagues.
"NTA."
"You should have told your boss in response where you are going to pay for my time?"
"No, for real. there is no such thing as smart casual."
"Unless they had something clearly stating no Crocs/sandals/flipflops, your coworkers are just a**es to expect you to drive home then back when they are most likely be done by the time you get back."
"I would document what they are saying and treating you."
"This sounds like a hostel work environment and also retaliation."- ITdargon
The OP seemed to be aware that Crocs were on the casual side.
Even so, however, the OP interpreted "smart casual," one would think she might have made the tiniest bit of effort for her departing colleague and worn slightly more respectable shoes to their retirement party.
One can only hope this unfortunate episode might make the OP think a bit more carefully when choosing attire for future events.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.