Most of us like to know that our friends are well taken care of, even if it means helping them out financially.
But typically, friendships and money don’t mix, advised the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor deviltriggerhappy was taken aback when her friend called her greedy and selfish for refusing to lend her money for bills she needed to pay.
When the feud began to impact their work life, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure what to do next.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not lending my friend money?”
One of the OP’s good deeds came back to haunt her.
“I (27 female) and my friends (married couple, 30 female and 34 female) bought houses around the same time last year.”
“Now, the three of us are fairly close, as we’ve known each other since college.”
“During the buying process, they were short 30-ish bucks. I lent them the money, but it’s such a small amount that I haven’t really worried about it.”
“Her not paying it back isn’t a big deal for me, but this is important for later.”
The OP had previously tried to help whenever she could.
“Throughout the year, she’s been venting to me about her problems; money, marriage, health, etc.”
“I know she’s been behind on almost all her mortgage payments and bills, so I would help her pick up extra shifts at work.”
“Her wife also refuses to work a full-time job, and they spend money like crazy on toys and games.”
“I disagree with their lifestyle, but again, it’s none of my business, so I have said absolutely nothing to her about it.”
“I also don’t offer any unsolicited advice; I keep out of her business unless she willingly shares, and I expect the same in return.”
But then the situation got out of hand.
“Recently, however, things came to a head. As any homeowner in the US knows, property taxes for 2021 are overdue if they haven’t been paid.”
“Her property taxes are substantial, and she doesn’t have the money.”
“She recently asked to borrow it from me, a sum of nearly $2,000.”
“Now I do have the money; after college, I stayed at home and saved money for several years, and even after buying my house, I still have a substantial amount that I keep for emergencies.”
“She’s made snide comments about it before when I mentioned waiting until payday to buy something, to the point I had to remind her that my money is none of her business.”
“But this time she was insistent. I told her no several times, and we got into a fight.”
“She told me I was greedy and selfish and if I was her friend and cared about her, I would help her.”
“She accused me of holding the previously lent $30 against her ‘all this time.'”
The OP had heard enough of the comments.
“Here’s where I might be the a**hole: I told her she was greedy for thinking I had an obligation to give her any money.”
“I said I didn’t trust she would actually pay it back considering her late bills, and that if she lost her house, it wasn’t my concern.”
“I also took it farther, saying that if she didn’t spend every cent the minute she had it and her wife worked a full-time job, the issues wouldn’t be an issue in the first place.”
The OP was at a loss.
“We also work together, and it’s been so tense ever since that even other coworkers are picking up on it.”
“She’s tried shaming me for it in front of other friends, but I still refuse to give her the money.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said this might be one of those times when it’s acceptable to get personal.
“NTA – normally I would say that anything more than refusing would make someone TA (meaning all the stuff about how she handles her money), but since she opened the topic by attacking how you handle your money and calling you selfish, it’s all fair game.”
“Also, calling someone greedy and selfish is such a weird way to try to get someone to change their mind about helping you.” – sra19
“It was completely inappropriate of her to demand that you lend her $2000. You told her off, yes, but she deserved it.” – teresajs
“NTA. It sounds like she really badgered you before you let loose on her. And she has still not stopped. I’m not sure how much of a friend she really is.”
“Nonetheless, I think you can be forgiven throwing all those judgments about her life at her because she kept pushing you to give her the money.” – puppyfarts99
“Spitting the absolute truth at someone and them not being able to handle it is not you being an a**hole. I knew this post would be NTA when I read just the title.”
“That is your money, not hers. She’s just mad she didn’t save as smartly as you did and save her money. That’s not your fault. That’s hers.”
“Maybe if she sold some of those toys and games she keeps blowing her money on, she could make a d**n property tax payment.”
“Don’t let her s**t on you because she doesn’t understand what PRIORITIES are. Bills are always more important than games and toys.”
“And then she has the audacity to get mad at someone for not giving her TWO grand? Ugh. What a child.” – opinionatedjars
Others suggested moving past the friendship.
“NTA. I wouldn’t worry about losing her as a friend. She thinks she’s entitled to the money you earned because she can’t manage her own.”
“If you loaned it to her now, you very likely would not be paid back and she would continue trying to guilt you into loaning her more every time she got herself into a bind.” – Quid-Pro-No
“NTA. She’s calling you greedy and selfish for… Keeping your hard-earned money… That she’s demanding you give her.”
“I’ve been a little short from my spending in the past. Do you know what I did? I pulled money from a credit card and learned my d**n lesson.”
“You don’t owe her any money just because you have it.”
“But you’re about to end this friendship. It’s gonna suck but it seems like you’re gonna be better off.” – Cutie3pnt14159
“NTA – Feels like this friendship is over. Just let it go and let her do her own damage at work. Anyone with a brain will know there are two sides to a story…”
“If you want the friendship to continue (why?), circle back, say that while you still will not lend the money, you didn’t mean to get so personal.”
“Remind her you never cared about the $30, so she should put it out of her head.”
“At the same time, the way she internalized feeling you cared about it – is proof that lending money, especially larger sums – is not going to be a good thing if you/she wants to remain friends.”
“And add that at the very least, none of this should be an issue discussed at work.” – babsgarcia
“NTA. I think it’s time you and this ‘friend’ go your separate ways.”
“She has bad spending habits and her wife does nothing but spend her money with her.”
“She tried to guilt you into paying her and called you greedy when you said no.”
“She also tried to guilt you and shame you in front of your friends.”
“I think your post speaks for itself. Maybe you should just sit back and watch it all come crashing down. I bet you’ll see her and her wife working a lot more extra shifts soon.” – kali0006
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a brief update.
“Thanks to everyone who chimed in! I had no plans of lending her any money regardless of the ruling, but I agree with some of you about this relationship.”
“I am going to apologize for getting too personal, but I don’t think we can come back from this as friends.”
While the OP was feeling conflicted because of how her friend lashed out and tried to make her look bad in front of other friends, the subReddit was convinced she had done the right thing.
It’s rarely a good idea to lend money to loved ones because of the potential tension and resentment involved, but when someone stoops to namecalling, that seems like all the more reason to keep money out it.