Most of us like to know that our friends are well taken care of, even if it means helping them out financially.
But typically, friendships and money don't mix, advised the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor deviltriggerhappy was taken aback when her friend called her greedy and selfish for refusing to lend her money for bills she needed to pay.
When the feud began to impact their work life, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure what to do next.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for not lending my friend money?"
One of the OP's good deeds came back to haunt her.
"I (27 female) and my friends (married couple, 30 female and 34 female) bought houses around the same time last year."
"Now, the three of us are fairly close, as we've known each other since college."
"During the buying process, they were short 30-ish bucks. I lent them the money, but it's such a small amount that I haven't really worried about it."
"Her not paying it back isn't a big deal for me, but this is important for later."
The OP had previously tried to help whenever she could.
"Throughout the year, she's been venting to me about her problems; money, marriage, health, etc."
"I know she's been behind on almost all her mortgage payments and bills, so I would help her pick up extra shifts at work."
"Her wife also refuses to work a full-time job, and they spend money like crazy on toys and games."
"I disagree with their lifestyle, but again, it's none of my business, so I have said absolutely nothing to her about it."
"I also don't offer any unsolicited advice; I keep out of her business unless she willingly shares, and I expect the same in return."
But then the situation got out of hand.
"Recently, however, things came to a head. As any homeowner in the US knows, property taxes for 2021 are overdue if they haven't been paid."
"Her property taxes are substantial, and she doesn't have the money."
"She recently asked to borrow it from me, a sum of nearly $2,000."
"Now I do have the money; after college, I stayed at home and saved money for several years, and even after buying my house, I still have a substantial amount that I keep for emergencies."
"She's made snide comments about it before when I mentioned waiting until payday to buy something, to the point I had to remind her that my money is none of her business."
"But this time she was insistent. I told her no several times, and we got into a fight."
"She told me I was greedy and selfish and if I was her friend and cared about her, I would help her."
"She accused me of holding the previously lent $30 against her 'all this time.'"
The OP had heard enough of the comments.
"Here's where I might be the a**hole: I told her she was greedy for thinking I had an obligation to give her any money."
"I said I didn't trust she would actually pay it back considering her late bills, and that if she lost her house, it wasn't my concern."
"I also took it farther, saying that if she didn't spend every cent the minute she had it and her wife worked a full-time job, the issues wouldn't be an issue in the first place."
The OP was at a loss.
"We also work together, and it's been so tense ever since that even other coworkers are picking up on it."
"She's tried shaming me for it in front of other friends, but I still refuse to give her the money."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said this might be one of those times when it's acceptable to get personal.
"NTA - normally I would say that anything more than refusing would make someone TA (meaning all the stuff about how she handles her money), but since she opened the topic by attacking how you handle your money and calling you selfish, it's all fair game."
"Also, calling someone greedy and selfish is such a weird way to try to get someone to change their mind about helping you." - sra19
"NTA."
"It was completely inappropriate of her to demand that you lend her $2000. You told her off, yes, but she deserved it." - teresajs
"NTA. It sounds like she really badgered you before you let loose on her. And she has still not stopped. I'm not sure how much of a friend she really is."
"Nonetheless, I think you can be forgiven throwing all those judgments about her life at her because she kept pushing you to give her the money." - puppyfarts99
"Spitting the absolute truth at someone and them not being able to handle it is not you being an a**hole. I knew this post would be NTA when I read just the title."
"That is your money, not hers. She's just mad she didn't save as smartly as you did and save her money. That's not your fault. That's hers."
"Maybe if she sold some of those toys and games she keeps blowing her money on, she could make a d**n property tax payment."
"Don't let her s**t on you because she doesn't understand what PRIORITIES are. Bills are always more important than games and toys."
"And then she has the audacity to get mad at someone for not giving her TWO grand? Ugh. What a child." - opinionatedjars
Others suggested moving past the friendship.
"NTA. I wouldn't worry about losing her as a friend. She thinks she's entitled to the money you earned because she can't manage her own."
"If you loaned it to her now, you very likely would not be paid back and she would continue trying to guilt you into loaning her more every time she got herself into a bind." - Quid-Pro-No
"NTA. She's calling you greedy and selfish for... Keeping your hard-earned money... That she's demanding you give her."
"I've been a little short from my spending in the past. Do you know what I did? I pulled money from a credit card and learned my d**n lesson."
"You don't owe her any money just because you have it."
"But you're about to end this friendship. It's gonna suck but it seems like you're gonna be better off." - Cutie3pnt14159
"NTA - Feels like this friendship is over. Just let it go and let her do her own damage at work. Anyone with a brain will know there are two sides to a story..."
"If you want the friendship to continue (why?), circle back, say that while you still will not lend the money, you didn't mean to get so personal."
"Remind her you never cared about the $30, so she should put it out of her head."
"At the same time, the way she internalized feeling you cared about it - is proof that lending money, especially larger sums - is not going to be a good thing if you/she wants to remain friends."
"And add that at the very least, none of this should be an issue discussed at work." - babsgarcia
"NTA. I think it's time you and this 'friend' go your separate ways."
"She has bad spending habits and her wife does nothing but spend her money with her."
"She tried to guilt you into paying her and called you greedy when you said no."
"She also tried to guilt you and shame you in front of your friends."
"I think your post speaks for itself. Maybe you should just sit back and watch it all come crashing down. I bet you'll see her and her wife working a lot more extra shifts soon." - kali0006
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a brief update.
"Thanks to everyone who chimed in! I had no plans of lending her any money regardless of the ruling, but I agree with some of you about this relationship."
"I am going to apologize for getting too personal, but I don't think we can come back from this as friends."
While the OP was feeling conflicted because of how her friend lashed out and tried to make her look bad in front of other friends, the subReddit was convinced she had done the right thing.
It's rarely a good idea to lend money to loved ones because of the potential tension and resentment involved, but when someone stoops to namecalling, that seems like all the more reason to keep money out it.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.